Let Go and Be Free Podcast: Episode 4 (How to Have a Healthy Romantic Relationship)
Welcome to the fourth episode.
In episode 4, I share what I’ve learned about how to have a healthy romantic relationship by recognizing repeating unhealthy dysfunctional behaviors and learning how to come to terms with our past.
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Transcript
Welcome to the let go and be free podcast, A podcast for those who grew up in an alcoholic or dysfunctional family. I'm your host, Ron Vitale, author of The let go and be free 100 daily reflections for adult children of alcoholics series. On this podcast, we'll talk about everything from dealing with ruminating thoughts to stopping dysfunctional behaviors that you learned as a child in an alcoholic home together will shine a light to dispel the shame you might have secretly been living with about your upbringing, and practical tips that will help you center yourself and live a healthier life. If you'd like to learn more, feel free to visit, let go and be free.com. And with that, let's get on with the show.
Welcome, everyone. This is episode four, how to have a healthy romantic relationship. I wanted to talk a little bit about I guess, some of the more hopeful side of things. But I guess first let's start with where I am. And you know where I was in the past. Currently, I am married to my wife of 21 years we've been together, we've been through our ups and downs, as anyone who has been married can attest. And I want to go back in time to some of my early relationships, and just simply say, there were several where, you know, fell in love with the woman and we were together, you know, things were great. And then, you know, we broke up. And it was horrible breakups. And, you know, I look at how I acted back then, to how I act now. And I've learned a lot, you know, over the last several decades, that's good news. I wish I could go back in the past and, you know, tell myself, it's all going to be okay.
Yes, it's going to be hard in the future. Yes, there are going to be difficult times, but the work that you put in through therapy and the 12 steps and reading self help books and daily affirmations and taking care of yourself, it's going to make a difference in the long run. A lot of times, I think, you know, in the here, and now we focus on what we can actually see. And it's difficult to project ourselves out into the future and say, Oh, well, I'm always going to be whatever, XYZ I'm always going to fail at relationships, I'm never going to find someone on, you know, black and white kind of thinking, you know, it's either all or nothing, you know, everything's great, or it's horrible. So I wanted to share a little bit of a story with you to kind of, you know, hopefully help find some common ground with what you may be going through and maybe what your own personal history, you know, has been, when I look back at when I first started dating and getting into relationships, I think the the most difficult thing for me was that learning how to deal with my past and what I grew up with, and, you know, alcoholic and dysfunctional family and learning how that affected me was something that I just didn't have the skills to do, I didn't know where I needed to turn to. I didn't have, you know, therapist back then it just was kind of stumbling along.
And unfortunately, you know, I would repeat the patterns that I saw in the relationships that were around me and my own family, the marriages and you know, the things of my extended family and the nuclear family around me that I would see. And unfortunately, they were not good, healthy relationships. And so I just would mirror that, and then get frustrated that you know, one I'd find someone I'd fall madly in love and things are great in the beginning, and then we'd hit some bumps in the road with some relationship problems. And then things would just flame out horribly. So I don't know if that's something that, you know, you yourself can identify with.
But I do want to say there was a turning point for me. And then I was in a serious relationship lasted approximately two years. And I remember this horrible argument being, you know, argument or fight it was just it was just really bad argument that I had with a woman that I was with and at one point we were talking about family and our past or something I don't remember all the details, but I just remember that I kind of sunk down, you know, to the kitchen floor as a thought came over me. And I realized it just kind of hit home in that particular moment of like all my past kind of zoom came right on me. And I realized that I would never have the opportunity to play, you know, catch with my father, I would never have like this normal relationship, you know, there that Oh, Father, Son, and, you know, we would play catch, and he would take me to whatever games or, you know, I would learn how to ride a bike, and he would teach me how to do that, like, all those type of things that just kind of hit home to me, during this argument that we were having, because, again, we were arguing something about like family, and, you know, this kind of all kind of dredged up memories from my past. And I just felt devastated.
At that moment, you know, the relationship was falling apart. And then I realized that all these other past emotions that I had thought I had dealt with, just kind of stormed upon me, and I just felt broken, like, I don't know, how else to describe it, is fell to the ground, was sitting, you know, on my butt, knees up, hands on my knees, and just crying and just really kind of sobbing. And coming to terms with that, I would never have the ability to kind of go back in time, and have those quote unquote, normal things that, uh, you know, and a father son would have, and I was kind of grieving that, and very upset about that, that, you know, I wanted to have a, you know, good relationship in the future with, you know, getting married, having my own kids, and being a good father. And at the same time, I'm looking back and trying to figure out like, well, how can I learn how to do that, since I never had that.
And that was, that was a really difficult time, a pivotal moment, where I realized that I needed to do something, you know, to get over this, to get over the past to realize that, if I kept going on the route that I was, I would just keep repeating the same mistakes again, and again, and again, you know, and I remember, you know, I'd be in a relationship, I'd be so happy and the relationship would break up. And, you know, I'm talking to my mom on the phone, and I would be like, oh, you know, things are a mess, and blah, blah. And I realized over the course of whatever, five years or so I kept having the same story, to tell, it's just, you know, you have to come to terms with your own past your own faults. And realize, wait a minute, it's not everybody else, you know, yes, everybody has their own problems and their own issues. But I keep falling into this same repeatable pattern again, and again, in relationships, and it's not working out for me, I honestly, miserable right now not happy, you know, I would find someone fall madly in love. And then, you know, things would be great for a while, we get into some arguments and things would just blow apart, and we'd be a mess. And I would feel horrible.
And then, you know, go through a grieving period, and then the cycle would start again, what I don't think I knew when I was younger, is that I wasn't spending the time that I needed to take care of myself, you know, to kind of learn how to process everything that I've lived through, you know, in the various divorces, and things that my father had done, you know, when I was little, and just processing all those memories, and new emotions and feelings and coming to terms with all of that, you know, I some of the steps that I did go to therapy, that was a main thing for me, went to therapy, and then started going to the adult children of alcoholics, meetings, that was another avenue where I found that was a constructive environment that I can find a way to express how I felt.
And then a third way is I started doing, you know, picking up the various self help books about codependency or the dance of anger and, you know, things where I can learn and educate myself so that I can kind of figure out where was I? What did I go through? How do I process that? How do I become a better person and learn the things that I just didn't learn? You know, you know, as a kid.
That was just a really difficult time. And I would love to say that, Oh, yeah, everything was great. You know, I found my way and everything was wonderful, but that was not the case. You know, still struggle till today. And that the natural instincts for me if I'm, you know, feeling cornered or depressed, I go back to those initial feelings and reactions of how I used to act when I was a kid and I have to kind of be very mindful of those things of like, okay, they may have worked for me when I was six, but they're not going to work for me now that I'm much, much older. So how do I put into play better positive, you know, behavioral avenues, so that way I can actually be in healthy relationship. That was something that took me a long time to learn. One of the things that I came across over time, and this is difficult to, you know, difficult to share, in the sense that, if you go to the adult children of alcoholics website, they have an area called the laundry list. And it's a list of different behavioral traits, you know, that those who grew up in an alcoholic family or dysfunctional family typically have some of these clinical laundry list items. And we're going to talk about two that personally affect me. So that way, if you go to the site, and you start through reading through the list, it can be a little demoralizing because you start reading through the list and you're like, Yeah, that's me. Oh, yeah, that other one, I can, I can identify with that.
And, you know, you keep going on and on and on. And it might, it might feel overwhelming. So to kind of help you, I just wanted to talk about two of the items, two of the laundry list items, that, you know, when I started doing the work of therapy, and going to the adult children of alcoholics meetings, I did have to kind of look myself in the mirror and say, Okay, what are some of these traits that I identify with, you know, instead of trying to repress or hide those things, you know, I've learned that by giving, by doing those things, you're giving those icky parts of yourself power. Instead, if you shine a light on them, and you come to terms and say, you know, what, yeah, I have felt this way, I'm gonna own up to it. And instead of trying to repress or, you know, kind of cut out that part of me, rather embrace it, and realize, yeah, this is kind of who I am. And this is what I grew up with. And I still love myself, this, you know, that, that I've had these feelings, I am okay, you know, I'm worthy of all of me, you know, the good, the quote, unquote, bad, the ugly, whatever. And then you realize that over time, it's, we're human, you know, we have good traits we have, and I'm hesitant to use the word bad, it's just, we make sometimes poor decisions. You know, we do things that sometimes out of anger, you know, spite, we make mistakes, owning up to those mistakes.
And truly, you know, coming to terms with them, is a very healthy way of saying, I know where I am now. And this is where I want to go, I want to live a healthier life, I want to be happy. And in order to be happy, I need to come, you know, in terms come to terms with my past. So this one laundry list item that I want to read, this is the one that I can really identify with, again, this is from the adult children.org website, it's under their literature section, the laundry list. It is we are dependent personalities, who are terrified of abandonment, and will do anything, to hold on to a relationship in order to not experience painful abandonment feelings, which we received from living with sick people who were never there emotionally for us. That's a really difficult sentence to read, not only because it's long, but I can identify with it at a very intimate level. You know, when I look back at, you know, some of my relationships, I would do anything, you know, to kind of bend my way, do whatever, apologize, just so that someone wouldn't leave me.
You know, what I've learned over time is that some of the relationships that I was in the the challenge was, neither of us were ready to be in a relationship. And so we were both trying to find our way, thinking, you know, oh, well, I'll deal with my stuff, you deal with your stuff, and then we'll come together and be like a more whole person that that just doesn't work. I needed to take care of myself, do the work for myself. And then once I had a solid foundation, then I was able to be, you know, in a healthy relationship. So that first laundry list item, you know, that we're dependent personalities, you know, just desperately not wanting to be abandoned. We want someone to love us.
Now, maybe this one, this particular item doesn't hit you personally, but I want it to be over and share with you this is one of the ones that when I read the list, there's a good many items on the list. This one is something that I can, you know, I can really attest to. And then the next one is, we have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility. And it is easier for us to be concerned with others rather than ourselves. This enables us not to look too closely at our own faults. And I, you know, again, that's something that I can admit to, and when I look at, it's hard to own up to some of these traits, you know, and sit there and go, Well, it's, it's so much easier for me to point at somebody else and be like, well, their problems are ABC, and D, I've got it all figured out, I know exactly what they need to do. If they only did these things, they would be so much happier, I've got all my crap together, I'm so wonderful to set the whole thing. That's not true.
A lot of times when, you know, in arguments, we could put up a strong defense, to kind of shield ourselves so that we don't get hurt, and lash out and kind of point at somebody else and be like, well, you're this, you're that kind of mirroring some of the behavior patterns, again, that we saw and growing up in a dysfunctional family, instead of just being like, yeah, I screwed up here, I made a mistake. This is my mistake, this is what I'm going to do. You know, to make up for it, I'm going to make an amends, I'm going to, you know, work to say, do X or do Y, instead, you know, it's so much easier to say, well, you know, oh, well, I'm whatever, I'm the only child or I'm the oldest or I'm whatever, and I'm going to take all this responsibility, look how great I am I, I can do all this. And, you know, aren't I wonderful?
But in reality, you know, the, I guess the question to ask is, why are we doing those things, we just trying to hide from something else, you know, that is beneath the surface. And I think that, you know, that truth of kind of coming to terms and applying it to ourselves, takes a lot of energy in an effort is not a simple thing to do. So, yes, you know, we can have healthy romantic relationships. But it's not, it's not like you just follow these three things, you know, it's suddenly you find the love of your life. As I always like to joke, the love of your life is yourself. I think often those of us who grew up in an adult, you know, child back around history of dysfunctional family background, we often don't take the time and the energy to nurture ourselves. You know, I can speak for myself, a lot of times, I was looking for that nurturing in somewhere else I didn't get, you know, that father son relationship.
So I would go into these romantic relationships and fall in love with someone and be thinking, Oh, well, if she loves me, then I must be okay. Oh, she doesn't love me any more than I must not be okay. Like, again, very all or nothing kind of thinking. And that's a pretty common trade for someone who's grown up. You know, in a dysfunctional family, you can have an argument, you're thinking the world is over, it's ended. Everything is is horrible. We're never going to get out of this situation. And then a couple days later, you realize that the world hasn't fallen apart, yet our argument, you know, you need to kind of come to terms with how do you solve these, these these arguments. And learning those skills takes time, you know, an energy and effort, you don't just simply, you know, read a couple pages and say, I've got it all figured out, you have to kind of almost like roleplay it in the sense of like, learn how to fight fairly.
You know, that's something that in the heat of the moment, you could still slip back and go back into old behavior patterns, blaming somebody, you, you, you, you, you, you know, you're this you that using those kind of statements in an argument with someone is most likely only going to escalate the situation instead of I feel this, I am upset because, you know, I love law, the I statements. So a lot, you know, less threatening in the sense of when you're telling someone how you feel, rather than blaming someone constantly. Either they're going to shut down, or they're going to escalate on their end, and then the argument is either not gonna get solved because both people storm off and they're angry, or it blows up because both people just getting louder and louder and louder and it just doesn't solve any problems.
So, you know, finding a healthy romantic relationship like getting into that if you grew up in a, you know, an ace do a background or dysfunctional family background is not an easy thing. You know, for me, the foundation was essential learning who I was processing what happened to me when I was young, coming to terms with those things, going to therapy, and then learning skills to all the basic things like how to argue fairly, and how to be mindful of someone else in a relationship. So that way you don't blame someone or try to control someone or quote unquote, save someone.
You know, there's a lot of those unhealthy behavior patterns, that we might be thinking, Oh, I'm doing the right thing, because I'm in love. But if you're enmeshed with someone emotionally, and you can't separate your own feelings, with their feelings, and you're feeling codependent, you're going through all these other, you know, really difficult things, that's not going to be a healthy relationship over time. Unfortunately, it's probably just going to make your life, you know, harder and more difficult. So it is possible and doable to be in a healthy romantic relationship, the important thing and the truth that, you know, I guess, anyone who's been married for a long time knows this. No relationship is perfect. It's not like you get married. And then 20 years later, there's been no arguments, and everybody's happy. And everything's wonderful.
There's ups and downs in any relationship. There are some times you go through some rough times. And there's some times you go through some amazing times, it's it's a roller coaster sometimes. And I don't mean that as like an adrenaline ride. I just mean, that is, sometimes you argue with your partner, you know, learning to live with someone raising children, if you decide to have children together, making financial decisions together, if you did not see any of those behaviors modeled in a healthy way, it's really difficult to then fall in love, and then try to figure out, how do you have a house together? Who cooks who cleans, who takes out, you know, the trash, mows the lawn? Having two jobs, you know, like your partner has a job and you have a job? And then you have children? Well, you know, do you do a traditional role in raising your children? Do you share the responsibility? How do you do all that, like, all those things take a lot to learn. And then if you apply that over to your ACOA background and a dysfunctional family background, it can be really difficult to find your way to have a healthy relationship. So you know, what I did to get to where I am.
And what I mean by that is, I realized that every single day, I still need to do work. It's not like I crossed the finish line. And I'm you know, lo cure down. That's not That's not what I mean, what, you know, I decided to do is I wanted to go on that lifelong journey. And I wanted to do, you know, learn therapy throughout the course of my life when I needed it, go to an ACOA meetings when I needed, you know, self help books, daily affirmations, meditations, like, you know, using the Serenity Prayer, like I have a whole laundry list in a positive way. whole list of different skills and skill sets that I can rely on, to help me to get to where, you know, I want to be in in a healthy way, not reliant on, if someone decides to leave me then my world has been destroyed, which is how I felt when I was younger, needed to own up to how I felt, find my voice, admit to my own misgivings and the problems that I had, and find ways of solving those problems so that at the end of the day, instead of looking for someone else, to love me to fill that hole, from those early relationships with my father that I never had, that I needed to then look at that hole, embrace myself and say, You know what, you love yourself.
That self love is critical. No one else on the planet can fill that hole inside you, except you. And I think when I realized that, that put me on the path for Okay, now I need to take these other steps, but I can see the path toward a healthy relationship. So I do hope that this has given you hope, and that you can identify with, you know, the stories that I have shared, because no relationship is easy for anyone. And I wanted to just share some true stories with you to let you know that one, it's not possible to be in a healthy romantic relationship, but it does take work. So thank you again for coming and listening to the podcast I appreciate it again if you want to learn more visit the let go and be.com website and again take care and till next time. Be well.
Thank you.