Let Go and Be Free Podcast: Episode 9 (How to Overcome Anxiety)
Welcome to the ninth episode.
On this week's episode, I talk about my own struggles with anxiety and how I've built a toolkit to help me overcome worrying and anxiety.
Over time, I learned to focus on:
Body
Mind
Soul
By taking care of my basic needs (eating right, sleep habits, and exercise), I used that foundation to then branch into learning mindfulness, guided meditations, and visualization techniques to help me deal with anxiety.
I also share several helpful techniques that I use on a daily basis to overcome anxiety, worrying, and ruminating thoughts.
Want to learn more? Check out the Let Go and Be Free book series.
I’m not a medical expert. If you need help, please reach out to a medical professional.
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Transcript
Welcome to the let go and be free podcast, A podcast for those who grew up in an alcoholic or dysfunctional family. I'm your host, Ron Vitale, author of The let go and be free series for adult children of alcoholics. On this podcast, we'll talk about everything from dealing with ruminating thoughts, to stopping dysfunctional behaviors that you learned as a child. Together, we'll shine a light to dispel any shame you might feel about your upbringing, and learn practical tips that will help you live a healthier life.
If you'd like to learn more, feel free to visit, let go and be free.com. In today's episode, I wanted to talk a little bit about how to overcome anxiety.
You know, I can't speak obviously, everyone who's grown up in an alcoholic or dysfunctional family, but I can tell some stories, you know, from my own background and past. And when I look back, you know, when I was a kid, there was a lot of fear of not knowing what was going to come next, you know, you'd hear yelling or screaming, you know, or sometimes it was even, like, different than that it was, it was like
What wasn't being said, you know, it was the people walking on eggshells around somebody in the family, and you're trying to figure out and Intuit what was going on. But no words, no argument was actually taking place, and you knew there was a problem, you just couldn't figure out what the problem was. So as a kid, I began to be really good at like reading the room reading people reading body language and understanding like, oh, there's a problem that's happened, there must have been an argument or fight or something happened when I wasn't around. And now I'm in the middle of something, and I don't know what's going on. And so when you're in that kind of a family dynamic, you know, you can you can see how other people are acting or reacting, passive aggressiveness, or, you know, the cold shoulder or, you know, all kinds of stuff going on in you trying to figure out, you know, how do you maneuver through these kinds of things.
So, in growing up, in a dysfunctional family, often communication, clear communication was not part of the process, you know, someone saying, I am angry, because of XYZ was typically, things would be going fine, a small little thing would happen, and that person would blow up, you know, and then be a big argument about something, and then things would kind of calmed down again. But while you were riding that roller coaster, you know, as a kid just felt lots of stress and anxiety of trying to just figure out, like, what exactly was going on? And how I could, you know, not get in the midst of anything, you know, sometimes you'd question like, is it something that I did?
Or, you know, why is this happening, and just not really understanding the levels? What was really going on, among, you know, adults. So, over time, you know, I've talked about this on other podcasts a lot, what a lot of the things that I worked on, was just focusing on being prepared for the worst, you know, if something bad was going to happen, if you had a, you know, ace in your pocket to be able to say, here's how I'm going to solve this problem. If, if the path goes to the left, I'll do this, if it goes to the right, I'll do that. So try to always be ready for whatever eventualities might happen.
But that took a lot of energy. And it also would keep me on like, high alert all the time. And when you're stressed like that, and you're always trying to figure out, like, how do I get through things over time. And that kind of eats away at you, you can always be running 100 miles an hour, always be prepared, always look around every corner. It takes a toll physically, mentally, you know, spiritually, emotionally, psychologically, you know, you name it, it affects you. And so as a kid, I just remember, you know, a lot of that stress and anxiety that I went through, started to exhibit itself, in just ways of, you know, being worried all the time, you know, always worrying about, you know, was, you know, was XYZ going to happen?
Where are we going to have enough, you know, money to pay the rent, where were you going to have enough money to have food on the table, someone lost a job, what was that going to mean? You know, how will this affect us? Do we have to move you know, so that worry and anxiety just build up over time and became As a baseline for me, you know, the foundational level of my normal operating procedure was always wary.
And even till today, you know, I've been part of, you know, in various jobs have had leadership, you know, workshops of, you know, teaching leadership skills and such. And, you know, a lot of that has been uncovered is, in those sessions of, you know, my personality tends to lean more toward wearing, you know, even if it's something good, that's going to happen, I will think of, yes, this great thing is going to happen, but what if this happens instead, or these five other things happen, you know, in my job, that can be helpful in a way of being prepared for, you know, unintended situations that might arise. But if you're in a relationship, it's a little bit more complicated.
And with your friends, you know, you don't want to have a situation of, you know, you're thinking, Oh, we're gonna go out and have a great time on Saturday night. And then the worry is like, what if it rains? Or what if they can't make it? Or what if this, what if that it just, those ruminating thoughts just start to spiral out of control, and if you let them control you, and when I say let them, if you allow yourself to stay in that mindset, it just perpetuates itself. So what I wanted to talk about a little bit is how to deal with anxiety. You know, one of the things and a story I want to tell, as I remember, I guess, I was in a teenager, it was my first year in college, and I remember taking the bus to get to college.
And just to kind of set the stage, you know, I lived at home, I was the first person in my family to go to college, didn't have any money, was through grants through scholarships, through lots of loans, I was able to essentially get enough money together to be able to go to college, I didn't receive financial assistance for my family, because they didn't really have the money to be able to help me. So it was basically all on my own. And I just remember feeling the stress of like, I didn't know anything, I didn't know how to apply for loans, you know, sign up for classes that you name it, I had to figure it all out. And that was a very stressful time for me. And I remember physically starting to feel on a regular basis.
Like when I would wake up in the morning, and get ready to go to school, my stomach would bother me, you know, like, I felt like I was going to have an upset stomach with diarrhea, like just just really bad stress. And I developed like a neck and nervous cough. Like I would feel not that I was going to throw up. But I would cough like, like nervously you know, I'd be waiting for the bus. And then like, what if the bus doesn't come on time? And, you know, what if I'm going to be late for class? And what if this what if that because, you know, my, my normal routine when I was in college was I went to school, full time, got out of school. And I think it was Monday, Wednesday, Friday, Saturdays, every other Sunday, I worked at night, you know, in retail, I had a retail sales job. And so we take the bus, from home to school, and then from school to work and then work to home. And then as I got older, I might my grandfather was kind enough to lend me his car.
So I was able to actually drive which would save a lot of time. But for that first year or two, you know, a lot of the commuting going back and forth, it was extremely stressful. Just trying to do all the work, figure everything out, along with, you know, living in a dysfunctional family environment that just kind of added an additional layer of stress. So physically, I started noticing these differences in my body. And that that carried on I'd say, pretty much until I guess like my early 30s You know, I just always had issues with my stomach was always stressed out.
You know, nervous cough, you know, just didn't know how best to handle those things. You know, just kind of got on bound by as best I could. And what I realized, you know, over time with, you know, again, going to therapy, the meetings that I attended for adult children of alcoholics, self help books, there was a lot of different avenues where I realized that there was a connection between my body and my mind, you know, the that mental connection between what I thought could directly affect how I felt and what my body reacted to. So if I was constantly worrying all the time, that was putting some major stress on me, and that was not a great way for me to be able to live.
So I needed to find another way. But I didn't know, I didn't know really how to do that. You know, even with going with their therapy, you know, you would learn certain skills, you talk about your feelings, and you might feel great after getting out of out of your session, but then you have the rest of the week until next week session. And it wasn't until I guess it was maybe by mid to late 30s, where his friends of mine, they began running. And they had said, Hey, do you want to join us, you know, we have an extra treadmill give you a treadmill, if you want to get into running, you know, we can run this 5k You know, for New Year's Day, you know, and I was like, oh, okay, I guess I'll give it a try. And I had no clue. The last time I had run a mile was in high school. So I wasn't a runner.
Didn't really exercise on a regular basis, had it, you know, a desk job. So it wasn't that I was overweight, but I was definitely out of shape. So once I started running, I realized that the natural endorphins, you know, that were being produced when when my body was running, that I liked that, that it helped me one naturally lose weight, it allowed me to focus a little bit more on what I was eating, and how I was eating, you know, eat fast, or, you know, eat fast food or, you know, all those kinds of things. So I started slowly making changes, you know, on adding exercise to my daily one that I shouldn't say daily routine i three, four times a week of running. And then you know, eating, drinking lots more water for hydration, and then focusing on sleep. And when I say sleep, like try to get good sleep. And I, you know, overtime kind of built a better routine for myself. And I realized that the exercise was helping me with the physical stressors, how my body was dealing with the stress, the stomach issues that I had went away. And, you know, I started physically feeling better.
Now, of course, when as a runner, you have to be careful, because you could, you know, you could hurt hurt yourself from running. So, you know, there were other issues that I had of, you know, back pain because I wasn't running my form was incorrect. There was a learning process of how to get exercise into my daily routine. And you might say, Well, what does that have to do with anxiety, the natural endorphins that my body was creating allowed me to basically create a better routine in my brain, that as I was running, I don't run with music on I just run. And then sometimes when I'm at, you know, really, really tired, I focus more on a mantra, some, like a mantra or something that I can focus on, to kind of keep me positive, you know, it can be something like I know, I can, I know I can, I know I can. And I say it with that cadence with which kind of matches as my feet are hitting the ground as I'm running. And I am not a fast runner, middle of the pack middle of the road, and I'm fine with that keeps me up and going and keeps me moving and go forward with that. Now, just because I found that running works well for me, doesn't necessarily mean that running will work for you walking, or some kind of, you know, aerobic exercise, or swimming or something up and move.
That's what I find. You know, many of doctors have been saying in the last like five years or so putting out articles that sitting is like the new smoking, you know how in the past, like smoking was bad for you. Now, it's like sitting is bad for you get up every hour walk around, you know, provided that you have the ability to do that if you don't have the mobility to do that. There are other types of exercises you can do from your chair, as the the point that I'm trying to get across here is dealing with anxiety level one for me is really focusing on the physical aspects, you know, exercise, eating right.
Getting good sleep, and for eating right. Dr. R used to have unfortunately, she retired recently, she basically said focus on the Mediterranean diet and we're like, Well, okay, I'm Italian. So I grew up you know, my family grew up in that area and brought all that history over. So what what does that mean? And it was basically lots of vegetables. You know, you want to have like olive oil have like if we're gonna have meat have like chicken And like fish stay away from red meat. And I was like, okay, I can do that, that seems pretty straightforward. I do cheat on pasta, like I do have a little bit more carbs than maybe I should. But I've been trying to work on that.
So again, what I'm advocating here is not a, you know, switch everything and become the best runner or the, you know, the healthiest theater, it's in degrees. And the plan that I've put together that works for me, is again, a concerted effort. It's not like changing, like, I won't have any sweets, or I must do XYZ, I tried to focus on a regular schedule. So it's a set and forget it kind of thing. And I've written about this in my nonfiction book about writing, because, you know, I also do writing on the side of write nonfiction. Obviously, I've written the let go and be free series, those four volumes, but I've also written 15 novels, fantasy and science fiction books.
And so people say, Well, how do you do that your, you know, your father, you got kids, you work full time, you know, you got all this stuff that you're doing, how is that possible? And I said, well, good to me, you know, it isn't easy. But I just created a schedule and the habit just kind of built over, you know, over time. And so for me, I write Monday, Wednesday, Friday, Saturday mornings, and then on Tuesday, Thursday Sunday's, they're the days that I run, it's a set it and forget it kind of thing. I just started doing that. And then do all that before I go to work in the morning.
So I get up a little bit earlier, but I go to bed a little bit earlier. And then that way, before I leave the door for work, you know, or before I, whatever I'm doing on the weekend, I knock out those important essential things I start my day out with, I want to focus on either the writing, or the exercising. And so that is a really important way for me to center myself to say, if I want to make these changes, and I want to deal with anxiety, and worry and ruminating thoughts, I have to find ways to build this in through the course of my week. And because I'm busy with working full time and all these other things I got going on, how can I make this happen. And for me, I know this doesn't work for everybody. But for me, it's getting up earlier in the morning, I typically get up about five to 5:15 in the morning, come downstairs, writing days a writing day running day, I run you know, and then come back, take a shower, you know, eat breakfast, first take a shower, and then head off with whatever the rest of my day is. So I have a good feeling of at the end of the day, when I finish work or whatever I'm out on the weekend doing things with, you know, the family or yard work or whatever I got going on, I can say, it really doesn't matter how tired I am right now, I don't have to worry about oh, I need to whatever run or I need to write or write whatever, you know, whatever day it is for me. And the important of that importance of that dealing with anxiety is that as my thoughts, you know, as I go through the course of my day, when I have those, you know, worry thoughts and dealing with anxiety. I've got that base level in the morning, you know of the routine that I've built out. And the routine is again, running or writing.
But as I've learned over the last three, four years, especially during the pandemic, when that started, this was a really a godsend for me, I basically worked in about 20 minutes of meditation, guided meditation by listening to like a YouTube channel or the calm app or whatever, I want to just spend 1520 minutes every morning to get my mindset and sit in a quiet place, listen to that guided meditation, and then get on with my day. So it building out those skills over time really helped me realize that I felt better by doing these things. And then I had, you know, some skills that I can use throughout the course of the rest of the day. And I think, you know, that's the message that I want to get across here is that when I'm dealing with worry, or anxiety, you know, let's go back to the pandemic at the beginning of it when none of us knew what was going to happen. And there were no vaccines at that time.
And, you know, you just heard people getting sick and you're seeing the news and you know, so many 1000s of people are dying, you know, per day and you're like well what is going on? The worry the stress of you know, no food on the shelves in certain stores and I go to, you know, the supermarket and see like just whole aisle stuff just gone. You know, and you're just like, What is going on right now? So that that beginning, you know, time and the pandemic, I had some options of like, what what am I? How am I going to deal with this stress? How am I going to deal with this worry in this anxiety?
It is obviously unknown. I don't know, you know, at that time, how were we all going to deal with this. So I had an option of, I can, you know, worry all the time and be anxious and deal with those physical stressors of my stomach being upset, nervous cough and worrying all the time. And those ruminating thoughts, thoughts, just going to circle circle circle, and just bringing me into a dark place, or I can take what I learned, you know, over the last 1015 years, and I knew exercise was good for me. So I'd focus on exercising, I had stopped drinking, I guess it was like a year or two, I can't remember now, before the pandemic began, because I just made that choice with my wife, and just was like, hey, one, I lost a little bit more weight to alcohol, kind of deals with inflammation with my body. And as a runner, I want less inflammation after I run, so I don't have like really painful, like calves and muscles the next day after running. So I just put into practice, you know, the things that worked for me over the course of the last 1015 years, and apply them in a very stressful situation of like, when we were on lockdown, and even after lockdown, you know, dealing with trying to get the kids back in the school, and they were cases and, you know, school was virtual, and then they went back in and masks and no matter. I mean, we've all been there, it was a very stressful time and still is, you know, a stressful time with everything that's going on in the world. But I had a choice.
And the choice was, do I go back down the path where I had it when I was younger, of not implementing the skills that were going to help me? Or could I go down a path and say, let me try something different. I know, exercise works. I know, eating healthier works. I know that this self guided meditation works. And then the this was something that I found, you know, really helpful is having very simple in the moment techniques to help me deal with stress or anxiety. So I say this to my kids, you know, when they sit and they would come to me when they were young and say, you know, Dad, I gotta go, I'm performing on stage, you know, in the, in the choir in the orchestra, and I said, great, that's great. I'm like, Are you nervous? And they would say, yes. I said, Well, when I have to go, like speak in front of, you know, group of people, or I have to give a big presentation, or anytime I'm nervous. One of the things that I do is one, accept the fact that yes, I am nervous, it's normal to say I'm a little anxious and little worried, and concerned about, you know, this event that's going to happen.
Getting up, let's say and talking in front of 50 people. That's normal. What can I do to deal with that stress. And so I said in the moment, let's say right before you go out on stage, a very simple thing to do, is I take my fists, and I clenched them tight, as tight as I can. And I breathe in through my nose. I'll do it right now. Like, I think I do till the count of four. I hold the breath for a couple seconds, and I'm still clenching my fists as tight as I can. And then through my mouth, slowly exhale and slowly release my fists. If I'm extremely stressed out, I clench all the muscles in my body, my toes, I close my teeth, I, you know, furrow my eyebrows, you know, like, squint down, make my arms tight, hold everything as tight as I can for a couple seconds while breathing in, hold that for a few seconds, three, four seconds, and then slowly release all my muscles as I exhale. And I like literally can feel like a physiological change in my body.
I don't know what the hormones and chemicals are going through me. But when I go through that process, I feel a physical change. And I've used that simple technique that I can be on a plane, I can be on a train, I can be standing, you know, about to go on stage. And I can do that really simple. without anybody even really knowing that I'm going through this like process of help, you know, this helps me deal with the anxiety and stress that I'm that I might be going through and living through at the moment. And if I'm in an extremely, let's say stressful time, you know, again, thinking back at the pandemic, let's say it's nighttime, and I'm having a difficult time sleeping, you know, I'll go through this relaxation technique that I had learned. And it's basically you know, you lie in your back, you're breathing slowly through your nose, exhale through your mouth. And then instead of like clenching the one fist, holding for a couple seconds, you basically do that for every major muscle of your body.
So you start with your fist, do it twice, you know, hold your fist tight as you can, as you breathe in for a couple seconds. Hold that for a couple seconds. And then slowly exhale, as you release your your fist, you do that twice, then you do the same thing like clench your whole arm, then you switch to the other arm, do your fists twice, and you work your way through your entire body, clenching your toes, clenching your legs, you know clenching your stomach muscles, biting down, making the tongue go to the top of your mouth, you know, every muscle that you can basically clench up, you do that, breathe, hold in, and then exhale. And then when I go through that process, you know, again, physiologically, I'm basically saying to my body, it is time now to relax. And if I'm thinking these, like ruminating thoughts, like what if this is going to happen? What if it's, you know, whatever the end of the world, if the, if the stress and the anxiety that I'm dealing with, still doesn't go away, then I'll focus on a visual technique. And the visual technique can be as something as simple as you know, I've used one where I close my eyes, and I imagine that there's a, like a shield of light around me.
And it allows good things that come in, and I can let bad things out. But the shield protects me so that bad things will come in. And I'll just close my eyes, take a deep breath, envision, let's say, light, sunlight coming down on me. And then breathe and pretend that that sunlight is working its way from my forehead, all the way through my body, all the way down through my toes, out through my toes, and then I exhale. And as I exhale, exhale, all my fear, my worry, all of that. So what I've learned, from my years, you know, here on this planet, and again, through therapy, through yoga practices that I've tried, through self guided meditation, self help books, like everything I've cobbled over the years, is, you know, focus on treating my body in a way that's going to be helpful to the situation that I'm in.
If I treat my body badly, it's going to affect my overall well being, if I don't get the right sleep, if I don't eat, right, if I don't exercise, you know, like, over time, you know, I can maybe glide for a little bit, but then things are going to start breaking down, meaning I don't feel well, I'm having a harder time sleeping, you know, not able to deal with the stress in a productive way. And that could, you know, present itself into negative unhealthy behaviors snapping at people or, you know, ignoring people are getting so tunnel vision only focus on, you know, the problem and not see, you know that there's a life outside of everything else that's going on, if you grew up in, in a dysfunctional family like myself, some of these things I expect, you probably, you know, have either seen in family members or have lived through yourself.
And so, one of the, you know, as I end out this episode, a key thing Do I that I do want to share here is, I'm telling, you know, my story of how I've dealt with anxiety, that does not mean to say that I have all the answers. And it does not mean that what works for me will work for you. And if you are struggling with anxiety, and you've tried a zillion different things, and none of it is working, I do hope that you would reach out to a medical professional, and work with someone. If that person you know, the medical professional believes that, you know, medication might be able to help you. There are many avenues and that is a perfectly acceptable route. You know, for you to go. Your path is different than my path. I just took a different path. And that's the path that I've taken up to this point. I don't know what the future will bring, but I can see A that, you know, the mind body spirit. That's what I like to focus on, I want to make sure that my body I treated well, and I get the rest the exercise, everything that I need, you know, to keep me going.
The mind, obviously I love to write, that's a great way for me to exercise my thoughts. And I might sound weird, like, how do you exercise, you know, basically I like to kind of go through various scenarios, and I can write about that in fictional ways, or I can tell stories in nonfiction, I can be creative through a podcast, I find creative outlet as a way of self healing. That's, that's, you know, for me. And then from a spiritual aspect, guided meditation, visualization techniques, you know, praying, all these different things. When I add those all up together, I have a toolkit that I can use to deal with anxiety that I built over the years, I didn't just simply say, Oh, look, I read a book. And now I've got these 50 things that I can do. Now I started small, I made small changes, incremental changes over time. And I've decided to basically, you know, create that daily routine for myself. So that way certain things are set it and forget it kind of thing.
And when I'm dealing with extreme stress, I have in my toolkit, the breathing techniques, visualization techniques, or if I have a little bit more time, I can sit down and do guided meditation, or I can pull up YouTube, and there's 1000s of yoga free sessions that are on there. There's sessions for yoga for those, if you can't, you know, if you're not mobile, and you can't get around, you could do things from a chair. So there's a lot that's out there and available. When I look back and see myself as that 19 year old, being stressed, and anxious going to school, I just didn't know that any of that existed. And it took me a long time of self discovery, and learning, education, through schooling, through reading, through what I've learned about myself, you know, talking with the therapist, that I understood, there is a better way, instead of perpetuating the dysfunctional behaviors, whereas, you know, I've seen people being stressful situations, and they drink lots of alcohol, and because they want to numb themselves.
You know, that's not the path I wanted to take, because I saw what that happened, you know, how that dealt, was dealt out in my own family. And that's not something I wanted to do. I wanted to find something that would help me. And so the skills that I share with you today have helped me, and I do hope that they help you. And maybe you will discover things that are different than I have your hobbies and your likes. Maybe crocheting is good for you doing with stress, maybe playing badminton, drawing, I don't know making something with clay gardening, I like cleaning, dealing with stress. Each of us has our own, you know, likes and dislikes. So I invite you to explore and to think about dealing with anxiety in a different way.
Think at it from the perspective of mind, body, you know, and soul, you know, the spirit, the mind, and you know, the body, the physical aspect. So I do hope that this has been helpful for you. If you like you know what you've heard here, I invite you to check out the let go and be free series or four volumes that are available, just visit let go and be free. You go to the website, you'll see a bunch of links on the left. And there's all kinds of basically get the book anywhere. And I am happy to announce that the AI narrated version of my books, like go and be free are now available on Google Play. So I don't read them myself. It is AI narrated. But it's something that I focused on trying to keep the price low. So that way if someone was looking to listen to a daily meditation, you know, a reflection, you know, the way my books are set up, there's 100 per book. So basically you get through a course and an entire year through all four volumes. You know, try to keep it at a at a low price point because I'm mindful that, you know, things are expensive these days. So hopefully what you learned today has been helpful. You know, feel free to send me some feedback at me@ronvitale.com and as always be well.