Let Go and Be Free Podcast: Episode 8 (Overcome Generational Alcoholism and Dysfunction)
Welcome to the eighth episode.
Alcoholism doesn’t just affect the person who drinks. It also affects that person’s children and grandchildren.
When you grow up in a dysfunctional family, you emulate what you learned as a kid.
There is hope. You can learn a new way.
Today’s tip:
From my elementary school teacher: Play some classical music, close your eyes, and take a crayon and just draw.
Want to learn more? Check out the Let Go and Be Free book series.
I’m not a medical expert. If you need help, please reach out to a medical professional.
Want to learn more? Check out the Let Go and Be Free book series.
I’m not a medical expert. If you need help, please reach out to a medical professional.
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Transcript
Welcome to the let go and be free podcast, A podcast for those who grew up in an alcoholic or dysfunctional family. I'm your host, Ron Vitale, author of the Let Go and Be Free series for adult children of alcoholics. On this podcast, we'll talk about everything from dealing with ruminating thoughts, to stopping dysfunctional behaviors that you learned as a child. Together, we'll shine a light to dispel any shame you might feel about your upbringing, and learn practical tips that will help you live a healthier life. If you'd like to learn more, feel free to visit, letgoandbefree.com. Welcome to this week's episode.
This week, we're going to talk about how to overcome generational alcoholism, and dysfunction.
So, if you grew up in an alcoholic, or dysfunctional family like I did, you don't necessarily become an alcoholic. You may never drink, you might decide, you know, as a kid, that what you saw what you grew up with you there the abuse of alcohol or drugs or other substances, you just decided that's not what you want to do. And you make a decision. There you go, done, problem solved. And you live life happily ever after. That doesn't really happen. Because what I learned and I can only speak for myself is that the behaviors that I learned, as a kid affected all my relationships in how I grew up, you know, the things that I learned how I saw my parents argue, how I saw them fight, how I saw conflict not resolved or resolved, and how the core of dysfunction within the family kind of eats away at everyone.
Back in college, I remember attending an interpersonal communication class, and our professor had his run through this quick little experiment, she had said, you know, I want everyone in the room to just act, you know, just do something goofy and weird, you know, everybody get up, stand up, get out of your chairs, we're all going to be in the classroom, and just start acting funny and goofy and do whatever. And everybody started doing that some people were yelling, some people were screaming, some people were clapping their hands.
And I remember what I decided to do, is that I just started, I like walked away. And I left, you know, I went over to the farther side of the room, you know, by myself, and I remember the professor, you know, stopping the class when, when the experiment, you know, that she was trying to teach us about was over. And she was, you know, kind of explaining that, you know, my mechanism of what I was doing is when I see dysfunction, my reaction was to basically get the hell out of there and just try to do something that was opposite. And in a family system, she said, you know, imagine that you have a baby mobile, you know, like, kind of hanging over a crib. And so there's, you know, the strings, and you know, if you, if you pull the one string of, let's say, the little toy, on the one end, the rest of the whole, you know, mobile is going to move as well, you're all interconnected. And that's what she wanted to kind of get across to us is that in a family environment, when you grow up in a dysfunctional, you know, alcoholic family, no matter how much you might not want it to affect you, it is going to affect you.
And it might affect you in different ways than you, you know, you might really understand until you become an adult and you start realizing like, why are all my you know, romantic relationships, falling and burning and, you know, like falling apart and being miserable. And none of it's working out. Why do I keep, you know, quote, unquote, finding the same type of person. And often what's happening is that we're repeating these behavior patterns, and we're getting stuck in a very similar situation of what we grew up with. You know, for me, what I tend to do is like, I would find someone that was either like, emotionally unavailable or just not available at all, and I would, you know, latch myself onto them because I believe that they I love them And, you know, I thought it was, you know, we would save each other like, you know, the whole Jerry Maguire quote, like, quote unquote, “You complete me.”
And, you know, it took me a good amount of time to realize that no one can complete you. Except yourself. You know, if you're not feeling complete and whole, getting into a relationship, romantic relationship is probably the last thing that you should do. I didn't understand that. You know, when I was in my teens, and then 20s, I just, I just really had no clue what was going on. Because, again, there's no, you know, it's like, you grew up in an alcohol, good, dysfunctional family, and there's no like, manual, you know, that somebody hands you and says, Oh, well, you know, your, your life has been pretty messed up. And here, here's all the steps that you need to take to feel better, and everything's gonna be alright. I just thought in my head, you know, I remember being a kid and saying, I will never be like, my father, like, I made this promise, like, I will never be that way, I won't do the things that he did.
And you know, this, that the whole thing. But it's funny, as you get older, that how you act in relationships does mirror what you learn, you know, as a kid, and that was a really difficult thing for me to understand. Especially when I started attending the adult children of alcoholics meetings. They, they, the literature that they have taught, talks about being a parent alcoholic, that even though you may never pick up a drink, or you might never do any drugs, never, you know, abuse, alcohol or drugs, you never get into a situation where that becomes part of your life and you become addicted, your behavior still might mirror those, you know, of an alcoholic, because that's what you saw, you know, as a kid, you know, do you with draw and an argument?
Or do you lash out, like, there's these G's, generational repeatable cycles that happen in which, you know, look back, and I don't know, the full history of, you know, my my father's upbringing, but I know that his parents, you know, there was some difficulty that his parents had. And so he grew up in dysfunctional family. And then he mirrored some of that behavior. And that happened between, you know, my parents, and then I learned that, and then in the relationships that I have been, I have, you know, emulated some of that dysfunctional, you know, behavior in my own romantic relationships.
The good news is, when you become aware of the problem, you know, then you have to take that hard look at yourself and say, Okay, well, I see that there's a pattern here, I can look back at the string of relationships that I've been in, and they've all failed. Why, you know, now, if you don't have an open mind, you might say, it's because of them, it's always the other person. But as my family used to say, it takes two to tango. And in any relationship, it's not like, it's always one person's fault. It's typically a combination of, you know, both people made mistakes, we're human.
The, the, the challenge is, you know, are we willing to learn from our mistakes? And are we willing to get the help that we need to basically forge another way, because otherwise, you know, we're just going to be doing the same damn thing over and over and over again, you know, the cycle of I'm lonely and I wish I could find someone to love. And then you find somebody. And again, that person is typically, you know, emotionally unavailable, or is an alcoholic or has some type of tendency that, you know, your own inner child is latching on to because you're trying to find a way to fix what happened to yourself as a kid, you know, you're trying to kind of relive, in the present, those situations that you found in the past, you know, like, Oh, if I can only, you know, fix this person or save this person, or, you know, all those things that that typically, those who grew up in an alcoholic or dysfunctional family fall into, unfortunately, those things never work.
And then we become, you know, upset, relationships fall apart, were hurt, and then go through a grieving process and then start things all over again. I can't tell you how many times you know though, like, in again, like my teens and early 20s, I just made mistake after mistake after mistake, I just, just flat out, just didn't know what I was doing. And then, you know, when I did start going to therapy, and then adult children of alcoholics meetings, I started realizing that my behaviors, you know, the things that I would do in relationships that would cause, you know, problems for myself, problems for the relationship. And if I wanted things to continue that way, then I just, you know, would be miserable for basically the rest of my life. And I decided I didn't want to do that.
So again, for me, this is a personal choice, I decided to follow the the 12 steps, you know, adult children of alcoholics. And I read through like the laundry list, which is a list of like, really, you know, difficult things to read about behaviors, which often those who grew up in an alcoholic or dysfunctional family, the exhibit, and those things are, are really difficult to read through. And I've talked about them in previous episodes. The good news is, you know, again, through therapy through ACOA, you know, adult children of alcoholic meetings, through reading, you know, various books, you can educate yourself, and you can learn a new way. It just takes time. And, you know, to overcome that generational, like burden of, okay, well, this is what, you know, this is what my parents did, and then their parents did. And I just remember, you know, after, you know, my mom and father divorced, moving back into my grandparents, we had nowhere to go.
And so thankfully, they took us in. And I remember seeing the relationship that my grandparents had, and how dysfunctional that was, there would be like yelling and screaming between the two of them, and then things would come down, but the problem would never be solved. And things would simmer, you know, and go back to quote unquote, normal, and then the cycle would happen again, over the course of whatever, through the through the rest of the week. And I remember looking at that, and saying, like, wow, like, understand understanding, you know, by being able to live back into the situation that my own mom grew up with, and seeing how she was affected by that. Then I was also, you know, affected by that by, by seeing, you know, the arguing between my grandparents and how that they just never really resolved any conflict. It was always you know, bicker bicker bicker yelling back and forth, it was your fault, it was your fault.
And then they would sit on two sides of a sofa, turn the music on and just sit there, you know, for the course of their day, you know, and it was, you know, shocking to me, because how often do you have an opportunity to see, you know, what it was like, to live in the environment that, that, say, one of your parents lived in? Well, I did.
And I can tell you, that pretty messed me up as well. So it's kind of like, you know, the, the, you know, my, my, my father and mother, their relationship that broke apart, then went back to live with my grandparents. And I saw how that relationship was, and I, you know, emulated those things and in the relationships that that I had, and then the only way to move forward is to make a commitment of Yes, I understand where it came from, you know, here are here are the problems that I need to resolve for me not, these are the problems I see in the other person and that they need to fix. It's more understanding who we are, why we are the way we are.
Why did we react a certain way, when, you know, conflict arises, or do we fight to is flight, you know, do we withdraw? What are our coping mechanisms? When we're put up against, you know, some type of challenge? Is it stress you eating? Is it drinking? Is it lashing out? Again, repression, like, there's all kinds of things that we saw, you know, as kids in families, and we've adopted some of those dysfunctional behaviors and emulate them, and now in our own families in our own relationships.
And I think that's the, I guess, you know, the challenging thing is that Many people are just unhappy, and never find that path out to be able to say I'm going to make a difference. And you know, I'm going to, I'm going to do the work to move forward. In, you know, in my life as a kid, there, there was never an acknowledgment of, these are the things that you need to do to get help, you know, it was just life was life, this is what you grew up with, suck it up, move on, get a job, find somebody love, get, you know, get married, have some kids and repeat the cycle, there was no, you know, there was just no understanding of what had happened across generation after generation that was just, that's how it was, and deal with it, you know, with whatever way you think, is necessary.
And I just remember, you know, being, I guess, being the first person in my family to go to college really opened up a lot to me, and my own personal story is that education and creativity, were the two key things that I credit for helping me, you know, grow and get beyond, you know, this functional family environment, you know, that I that I grew up in as a kid, there were, there are very clear decisions that I made in growing up that put me on a different path. And not saying that was the right path or a wrong path, but it allowed me education allowed me to understand myself better, and to find ways of self expression. That also allowed me to process you know, and deal with the emotions and the feelings that I had, you know, as a guy, I remember growing up in, you know, just look at other, you know, other guys that I knew, and I always feel different, you know, I always hold different from everybody anywhere, because again, the family that I grew up with, I can never understand, you know, like, going and what a normal quote, unquote, whatever that is, normal life is, but I knew that my life was different. And, you know, I can give an example.
And it's, it's just an example that has stuck with me, since, you know, I was kid and I've told the story, you know, many times, but it's one of the ones that, you know, I, I, I have as a memory, that is a painful memory. And it's about, you know, feeling different, and not knowing how to get out of that situation.
So as a kid, you know, there was a, there was a mass, you know, a church for when I was in grade school, and it was supposed to be something like, bring your parents, you know, to mass day or something like that, I went to Catholic school. And in the middle of the day, you know, they brought us to church, and we were, whatever, going through the whole mass. And at one point, in the ceremony, there was the Peace be with you. So basically, you're supposed to turn around to someone, and then put out your hand to shake their hand and say, Peace be with you.
And, you know, they take your hand, shake it peacefully with who's supposed to be like, Jesus, passing on peace to your partner. Well, in this particular math, what we were supposed to do is, it was like, get out of her pew, and go back to our parent, and then shake our hand with her Parent or Parent was supposed to be there. And I remember being, you know, young, you know, this young boy.
And I knew that in my mom had to work that day. And at this point, my father wasn't around. And no one from my family was there. I was, you know, I don't think I was the only kid but I felt like I was the only kid that didn't have their parent there or want, you know, a parent or parents there for this mass. And so we get to that point, and I just remember feeling scared, upset, worried. I didn't want people to know that, you know, my family wasn't there for me. And, you know, it wasn't it wasn't because, you know, as being neglected and nobody cared. It was my mom had to work. And that's where she was. She was trying to make money to keep food on the table and you know, get us close and such.
And so I remember you know, the Peace be with you part happening and kids getting out going or pew and I just remember, I went from like, zero to 60 in my head from like, okay, I can get through this too. I can't get through this. This is unimaginable. And I just remember throwing up I'm just getting sick. And I don't remember, you know what happened that like, who took me took care of me and all that I just remember being embarrassed, and worried, and lonely and afraid. And, you know, I tell the story. Because when you think about this generational effect of alcoholism and dysfunction, as a kid, you know, I went through some things that were not fun.
And I learned behaviors that were not healthy for me, you know, they just did not help me solve problems, to overcome those things. In my early years as a kid, like reading books, using my imagination, to create stories, and write, were the outlet that I was able to use to find a way to, basically I could create characters, and I can make the character represent the anger or hate in my life, or the fear, and I can, I could take my energy and, and write it into those creations, those characters that I made, and I could create environments and worlds and realms, and I could do whatever I want it, when I realized that I had that power. And that it was an outlet, it was a creative outlet for me, that set me on the path of, you know, I like book reading and reading more books I can, I can take myself and I can imagine I could close my eyes and get into the words of the page, and the words would vanish. And I would become part of the story.
Or I can think of the story and be beyond the current four walls wherever I was at. And then escapism allowed me to one learn because the more I read, the more I wanted to read. And the more I wanted to read, the more I wanted to, you know, do better. So better in the sense that the connection between creativity, and escapism allowed, like a switch to go off in my head that I realized that if I found a creative outlet, I could get beyond my current situation. And through school where I often got books and you know, a library there and learning that opened doors for me. And then I just kept saying, Well, I'm going to go on to more education and had, you know, the privilege and the opportunity to get loans to be able to go to school and go to college, you know, and to study.
You know, I was an English literature major and French major, I was able to study different cultures and learn another language and travel abroad. I mean, all this came from my decision on, I want to get out of the current situation that I am as a kid. And the way I did that was initially writing stories. And so when I think back of that day at mass, and getting sick and being worried, I couldn't find a way, you know, to kind of freak myself out of that situation, I worried myself literally sick. And then I just kind of stumbled upon creativity, and education as an outlet. And the more that I learned about the world, the more I can learn about myself, the more I learned about myself, the more that I can make decisions on is this healthy for me, you know, in whatever particular circumstance is this true, you know, again, I kind of naturally fell into a certain path. And that path allowed me to have open opportunities for different doors, you know, when I say that, because I understand that not everybody has, you know, the opportunity to go to schooling like the way I did. You know, I just happen to grow up in a, you know, in a lower middle class family, that we had opportunities with being able to read, you know, books and was able to take that advantage and use it in a way, you know, that could help me.
And when I look at that, the initial learnings were, you know, just like reading science fiction and fantasy books, and you know, escaping through that, but that path led me to wanting to do better at school. Because one, I would get praise from family members when I did well at school, to I'd like to learn just naturally really enjoyed it. And three, it was a great escapism for me, like reading books was like, you know, people with friends would be like, Oh, that's such a chore and I'd be like, the summer reading. I'm done all those and I'm reading these other books and not only that, like, you know, I got into Dungeons and Dragons. You know, again, this was in the ad cuz I was super popular Beckett back then. And I would write stories up, you know, and create stories and characters, you know, the creativity that I fell into, allowed me to, you know, discover a different part of myself that I could use and heal myself through the telling of stories.
And then the education was a natural bridge for me to have like, oh, I liked literature, so I started reading literature, but then when you go to school, you don't just learn literature, you learn math and science, you know, and because I went to Catholic school, like religion, and then, you know, that brought in into opportunities with school of learning, you know, interpersonal communication, and, you know, all kinds of other skills, and other other disciplines, which led me on the path of, oh, there's all these like, self help books, or there's therapy, it just opened doors for me that I did not even know, was possible.
And, you know, it all goes back to, I embraced, reading, and the more that I read, the more that I learned, and then like, my thirst for knowledge just naturally grew over time. And so I, you know, in my own personal story, I credit it, I credit learning and education as what helped me get to where I am. And I know that might sound like No kidding, because you went to school, but I don't think I would have had the, I wouldn't have discovered the paths and the knowledge of like, hey, there's a better way. Unless I had started reading, you know, unless had embraced that path.
You know, I, I look at that. And I can remember some of my early experiences, you know, of writing and getting praise from teachers, because, you know, of the creativity that I had. And I guess that that fostering of, you know, that nourishment of like, hey, you know, being accepted for, you know, a writer at a young age, gave me hope, that that could be an avenue of escapism. So initially, it was just escapism. And then, you know, as I learned more, and brought it into a whole other, you know, aspect that I didn't even know what I didn't know. And I still say that, as of today, you know, decades later, there's still so much for me to learn. I feel like I know, like, a spec of things.
You know, there's so many other things that I want to learn, I want to do, and I want to experience. And I think that thirst for experience experimentation learning, is just the curiosity is just part of my personality, instead of just accepting and saying, Well, that is what it is, I like to question like, why? Like, why do I have to grow up, you know, in this type of family environment, dysfunctional family environment and repeat it? What can I do to stop that? And even before that, the question of, you know, the realization of like, hey, wait a minute, this is weird. I grew up like this as a kid, and I'm repeating some of the same patterns. Why, like that questioning, helped open doors for me, which allowed me to then say, you know, what, maybe I do want to go to therapy, maybe I do want to go to the adult children of alcoholics meeting, and none of those paths would ever become open.
Unless I took that step, that next step when a door visit presented itself, you know, when I went and made the leap to say, I'm going to go, you know, talk to a therapist, that opened the door where the therapist said, you know, from what you're sharing with me, and the environment you grew up in, you might really benefit from going to an adult children of alcoholics meeting, which I had no idea what the heck that even was, you know, when I had first started going to therapy, you know, and then when I went to the ACOA meetings, that's when I learned about the Serenity Prayer and the 12 steps and books were recommended. And you know, you talk to people and learn about their experiences, just the world became more open. And the more that I was able to learn, the more that I can then realize that there were other opportunities and other avenues for me, and hope. So, in order to overcome the generational, you know, alcoholism and dysfunction, I guess, step one, is just to acknowledge like, yeah, I grew up in that environment. And a step two, is what are you going to do about it? Nobody's going to save you. Nobody's going to come out and like, you know, Hand of God gonna come and pick you up and be like, Oh, you're saved.
I mean, you could wait for that. But I would say, you know, in my own personal experience, the the steps that I took, and the stumblings, from like, one to the next, allowed me to create a path to get to where I am, and I will continue moving forward, you know, in other avenues like, is it a straight line? No. Is it crooked as hell? Yes. So, it's, it's one of those things that, you know, when I talk to others, you know, and I hear everybody's going through something and you know, in their childhood and growing up, it's not an easy, easy thing. But if you grew up in a family where there was abuse and neglect, and alcoholism and addiction, the those dysfunctional behaviors and what you saw and what you grew up with, they stay with you. And as hard as I tried to excise them, to cut them out to get rid of them, the kind of worse that it became. And the learnings that I did along the way, is, you know, you can't create surgery on yourself, you can't cut a piece of you out because you are you, it took a lot of work for me to accept and embrace and understand that I am whole, I am worthy. I am lovable. Like saying those things sound weird, and maybe new-agey, or, you know, again, woo-woo, or whatever term we want to say.
But it's like, the fundamental understanding that we are okay, is critical to then having any type of healthy relationship with someone else, instead of going into a relationship thinking I am broken, or I am missing something. And I need to find wholeness through somebody else that I found is the path toward the generational dysfunction that starts again and again. And then, you know, as soon as I realized that, I didn't need anyone to complete me that I complete myself, through education, through therapy through the 12 steps through all these other different avenues that I've tried over the decades, that it's a process. But once that door opens, it's like this, this light comes at you. And then you realize, wait a minute, I was going down this one path, and I thought it was like this dark hallway. But I'm actually now walk through a doorway, and see the entire world.
And I have so many opportunities, you know, and I don't necessarily, I'm not just talking about like financial opportunities. It's, it's within our own mind, like when you close your eyes, and you're sitting there, and you're thinking like, the world is a mess. And there's all these problems, and all this is going to go on. The question is, who are you? What are you going to do with your own life? You know, do you accept accountability and responsibility for who you are, and the things that you're going to do? It's easy for us to, you know, complain and worry and repeat patterns of dysfunction. And it's their fault that it's very easy to do all that. The challenge is to kind of cast all that off and say, yeah, these are the things that I have done in the past, these are these dysfunctional behaviors that I exhibit, and I tend to to fall back on when stressed or anxious. How am I going to learn, you know, not to do those things, and at the same time, embrace the fact that this is all part of me, the duality of none of us are, are perfect. We are. It's like this.
I tried to put this into words in, in, in this key really essential intrinsic understanding that we are whole. And when I say whole, I mean that we are one we are all together. We are lovable, and we are worthy. And yet at the same time, this dissonance in our in our brain is we also make mistakes.
And we have fallen on behavior patterns that are not healthy for us. So to take that thought in our mind of we have done things that you know, we've made mistakes, we'd have fallen back on dysfunctional behaviors. And then the other side of the coin, there is hope. There's a path forward to merge those two together, and then to have a hope Heart, that's all of us, you know, and then when we realize that and kind of like, love yourself for that, like, This is who I am, you know, not, that's not an easy thing to do. But then to take a step forward and say, every day, I'm going to work to be me to the best of my ability. And when I fall, and I make a mistake, I'm going to get up.
And I'm going to say, look, I'm going to make an amends, I'm going to apologize, I'm going to work on changing my behavior, of not falling back on that dysfunctional, you know, behavior pattern, not lashing out at somebody when they get angry, or whatever you do, whatever it is, that that challenge of, you know, we're not perfect, but we're whole understanding that, to me, is like the key to living, you know, happy and healthy life. So that when you do fall, and make a mistake, it's not the end of the world. And when you have an argument with your spouse, or boyfriend or girlfriend or whomever, it's not the end of the world, every moment of every day, we have a choice, and an opportunity to embrace life, to embrace our past, to embrace our whole selves, and to move forward.
And I think, you know, knowing rambled a bit here, it's, it's, it's sometimes difficult to wrap my mind around, you know, the right words to say, and I think that's it, there aren't any right words, there's just you, all of you. So I wanted to share that with you. And then, before I go, I want to go back, and I want to talk about this. A little tip, tip of the day, for this for this week, tip of the week, to the day, you know what I mean? Back when I was in elementary school, was an art class and our teacher, she had a record player. This is again, years ago, that's when there were no CDs at a time just record player.
She asked us to close our eyes, she gave us a blank piece of paper. And she gave us three crayons, every kid in the class. And she played some music. And as she played the music, she said, Just draw, just scribbled draw, whatever you want to do, just do it. And I remember doing it and just being blown away by how free I felt, I felt so free of just drawing, and no one was going to judge what it looked like, it didn't matter, I was able to make a connection with the music of how I felt. And through the emotions that I felt, I was able to translate that into the scribbling, you know, I just drew circles and interconnecting circles, you know, on there, and change colors and kept my eyes closed, and just let the music run through me. And then out through me in a creative expression of pure emotion.
And I would say, if you're looking to find a very simple and nice way of you to be able to do the same thing. Put on some random music, what our teacher did it was classical music that I wasn't familiar with. Listen, close your eyes, take some crayons on blank piece of paper and draw it out. And then when you're done, just look at what you've created. Do you see that it's a mess? Or do you see that? It's a masterpiece? Or do you see that it's somewhere in between. And in the end of the day, that's who we are.
We are all we are the good, the bad, we make mistakes we love we hate where people were human. So I thought that that might be a nice little tip little exercise that you could do that would allow you to just look at something from a different perspective. I hope this episode was enjoyable that you've learned something from it. I asked again, if you could pass it on to others, other friends of their family members. If you found this podcast useful. People can visit let go and be free.com. And again, I appreciate every time you show up to listen to an episode. Thank you so much. I hope you have a great week. And as always: Be well.