Let Go and Be Free Podcast: Episode 7 (Break the Catastrophizing Cycle)
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Show Notes:
Welcome to the seventh episode.
What is catastrophizing? It’s always thinking the worst is going to happen in a situation.
Why did we start doing this?
Helped us survive all the dysfunction and trauma we lived through. Allowed us to be one step ahead of the problems.
Why being prepared for the worst was good to start out with as a kid.
We were always ready, day or night, to deal with the worst. We could never let our guard down.
How it turned to being bad for us.
We started limiting our choices.
Didn’t take chances for fear that the worst would happen.
Started to always see things as being negative.
Did have fun and didn’t enjoy life as a problem was only a second away.
What can we do about it?
Therapy
Meditation
Mindfulness
(Is it healthy for me to always think the worst is going to happen? Is it true?)
Be in the moment.
Self parent (imagine yourself as a kid, go up to him, and hug him).
Tip: I recommend that you read the book The Big Leap: Conquer Your Hidden Fear and Take Life to the Next Level by Gay Hendricks.
Want to learn more? Check out the Let Go and Be Free book series.
I’m not a medical expert. If you need help, please reach out to a medical professional.
Transcript
Welcome to the Let Go and Be free podcast. A podcast for those who grew up in an alcoholic or dysfunctional family. I'm your host, Ron Vitale, author of the Let Go and Be Free series for adult children of alcoholics. On this podcast, we'll talk about everything from dealing with ruminating thoughts, to stopping dysfunctional behaviors that you learned as a child. Together, we'll shine a light to dispel any shame you might feel about your upbringing, and learn practical tips that will help you live a healthier life. If you'd like to learn more, feel free to visit, letgoandbefree.com.
Today's episode Episode Seven is break that catastrophizing cycle. So wanted to talk a little bit about, you know, when we get into a situation, and the first thought that goes through our mind is we're always thinking that the worst thing is going to happen. You may have heard that US people saying I always say this word wrong, we'll get it right catastrophizing believe that's how you say it out of catastrophe. So every situation, instead of thinking, Oh, this could be particularly good, you know, I might have a really good time at the new job or, you know, I met someone and it's gonna be wonderful, you know, our brains, we flip that and start preparing for the worst and think, you know, whatever managed a bad thing could potentially happen, you know, they're not gonna like me at the new job, I got to be prepared, because, you know, it's all gonna fall apart the relationship, meeting somebody, it's scary, and it's not going to turn out, you know, for the best.
And you might think, Well, why do we do that? You know, why is there a situation in which we always go back, you know, and think about the negative of something, and for me, and I can only speak for myself, is that, you know, as a child, growing up in an alcoholic and dysfunctional family, there was a lot of, let's just say things that happened. Good and lots of bad, and to protect myself, for those bad situations, often, they would come when I least expected it. You know, I didn't know, you know, what would happen in when, you know, as a child, I was just trying to get through from day to day, I just wanted to play with my toys, play with my friends go to school, and have a good time. But when there is chaos in your life, you know, when there's trauma, you know, divorce, moving, fear of, you know, Will we have enough to get by this month, who's going to take us in, like, all those situations, you know, in my brain as a kid, I translated those things into, I need to be prepared for the worst.
And whatever the worst could be, I need to be ready for it anytime, anywhere. Anyhow, I needed to be responsible and be prepared. So as a kid, you know, thinking that through, it was a lot easier for me, instead of just like, well, you know, there's arguments going on, and I can hear them. And I don't know what to do about it. My brain translated that into, oh, there's an argument happening. And then I would think, well, what if you know, there's a breakup, we need to move again, you know, what, if this happens, what if that happens, my brain just logically started categorizing the various situations that could happen. And I would prepare responses for that. And that would help me to be ready for the unexpected.
And it sounds, you know, saying that now you're like, Well, why would you do that? But as a kid, it just helped me deal with the worry and the anxiety of not being able to control my environment, and being at the mercy of the adults that, you know, everything going around in cycling around me. I needed a way to be able to be prepared for those eventualities of, you know, things that could happen that were not good. And I'm being vague on purpose, you know, because I don't think it's right of me to be able to get into specifics of another person's story. And I only wanted to be able to talk about myself and what I went through out of respect or, you know, others that were in my life at that time. So, as a kid, going through life and always thinking, the worst, it was good in some ways, because I was always prepared, you know, like, Oh, I've, you know, got these feelings ready, and I know how to swish on a dime and roll with the punches and be ready to go. Whatever the situation was.
So in one hand, I felt that always thinking the worst would happen allowed me to be prepared for situations that could arise that I needed to be able to solve. So as a kid, great, but as I got older, you know, I realized that always thinking the worst situation is going to happen. One, you're, you're a bit of a killjoy, and that people don't necessarily want to be around you, if you're always thinking, you know, oh, well, this wonderful thing has happened and you come home with but what if this happens? You come in with the, you know, the darkness and the negativity and people are like, dude, what, why are you thinking that, you know, I mean, your brain, you're, you're going through this tape, the cycle, this, you know, broken record in your in your head playing again and again, that when a situation happens, you need to be ready for it, because it's just gonna go, you know, wrong, and you need to be ready, you need to be prepared. In today's day and age, like, as an adult, that's not necessarily the best thing for us, you know, it's not something that is, oh, he's going to be necessary to be prepared, you know, for the worst.
You know, on one hand, we start limiting our choices, we might become afraid to take risks, even if it's a healthy rest, you know, like, I want to start a new, you know, a new job. And the thought might be, I can't find a job that's going to, you know, pay as well when, you know, I don't think I'm good enough to be able to do that, because this could happen or that can happen, you know, I need to, I need to make certain that I can pay my bills and take care of my family and be prepared for whatever, eventualities is going to happen, I need to be ready, I need to be prepared, I can't take that risk, you know, again, limiting choices. And there's also the fear that comes out of, you know, if we don't take chances, out of fear, because the worst will happen.
Not only are we limiting what happens around us, we're kind of knowing and putting a damper around our lives, you know, it's like, imagine if we always had safety pads on all the time, every, you know, every time we work, what you know, like, walk through life, you know, like, Oh, I'm gonna, I'm gonna go out for a walk today, but I need to be, you know, get a helmet on and knee pads and wrist pads and, you know, be, you know, Christian thing around our chest. Because if we fell, the worst happen, if we fell, we need to be prepared that, you know, we don't get hurt. And in ignoring ourselves, that way. It limits us because we're not able to fully experience joy, or love, because our brain is too wired for thinking, this bad thing is going to happen. And I've spoken to, you know, other people, friends and family members over the years, where they've gone through the same type of thing, of dealing with the stress of being prepared for the worst.
And, and I used to, I used to really think that it was a great skill that I was always ready always prepared, you know, in any environment, just ready to go for that, you know, turn that could happen on a dime. But, again, if we think that way, always that way, not only, you know, again, limits our choices, and it knows the world around us because we're always thinking one way, but then everything becomes negative. We're not really taking the opportunity to experience positive things, rural who is using our mental energy and a lot of energy to focus on that negativity. The what if, what if this happens, what if that were to happen more often in life, those what ifs don't come to be.
But a lot of times, you know, there's a way that you kind of tell yourself like Well, that's because I was prepared for all the negative thing I was ready. But while we were spending so much time doing the preparation on you know, for these things that never would have been the what ifs we missed out on fun, you know, if we're always seeing life as a problem, we're never really in the moment, enjoying the laughter, you know, the fun, and just the experience, which is being, you know, quieting the mind. You know, imagine if we were to sit down on a bench and look out, you know, what the world, if we're always thinking the worst, you know, we would be thinking like, the sun is going to explode, you know, billions from years from now, or a hurricane could compile and destroy everything, or, you know, whatever, some other major catastrophe, yes, things happen all the time around the world, but not necessarily every minute of every day, in our lives.
And so, you know, on one hand, being prepared is a good trait to be but always thinking that the worse situation is going to happen, limits us. And by limiting us, it kind of puts blinders on the way we view life. Because we're, we're too focused on what happened to us in the past, we've not found a way to kind of grow beyond those, you know, experiences, we take what we live through, and again, create these cassette tapes or broken records, and say, well, as a kid, when this particular circumstance happened, I needed to be prepared, because I didn't know you know, where we're going to have, you know, enough to get by. So I needed to think things through in many ways. I think when I look back at those, those times, I use that thought process, to kind of keep myself busy, to allow myself not to really be in the moment to think of the bad things that had happened to kind of protect myself as a guard, as a wall as a defensive mechanism. If I couldn't control the environment around me, I could at least control what was going through my brain.
And as a kid, I would think, How can I solve these problems, I would be a problem solver by thinking through all the what ifs, and then having various scenarios set out. So I could be ready for whatever life might throw at me. And I think that's one of the things you know, living in an adult child and, you know, alcoholic family, dysfunctional family. The, the stress is, you never know, in any moment, when things might turn ugly.
An argument could go from zero to 100, in like three seconds, you know, Chair could be thrown across the room, there could be physical violence, there could be, you know, really horrible screaming and yelling, and someone storms out and you're worried, are they ever going to come back? What does that mean? How are we going to get by, you know, whereas, as a kid, you know, thinking about, Oh, I want to have, you know, a day tomorrow where I hang out with my friend, and we go to the mall, or, you know, when you you're living in that dysfunctional environment, some of those basic things of just getting by, and you know, and just enjoying the day, like, we went to the movies today. And that's it, you went to the movies, and you had a good time.
Often, you know, in my life, you go to the movies, and you come back and something happened and you weren't there, and you're walking on eggshells, because now there's this tension in the house, and there was a fight between, you know, your parents, and you're trying to figure out, you know, how is this all going to end? You know, is it going to be something that's good is, is so and so leaving? If so and so leaves, you know, they pay the bills? What does that mean? Do we have to move back in with grandparents get like, your brain just goes on overdrive? At least, you know, it did for me. And by thinking those negative thoughts all the time, yes, as a kid had helped protect me. But at the same time, that you know, I just didn't understand what normal was.
And, and I know that might be difficult to explain to those who have never lived, you know, through a dysfunctional environment. You know, often there wasn't just dinner. Like, hey, we're gonna get to have dinner and we're just going to enjoy it. There were times where, you know, again, arguments would break out screaming matches and you know, people storming out and you just were just like, how did that happen? You know, we were just going to have dinner and suddenly my whole evening is ruined because the things that you thought you were going to do turned into, you know, crying and screaming and you know, horrible situations, like all taking place.
And as a kid, you're trapped in See Your choices are, you know, you kind of run and hide, or you make yourself as small as you possibly can, to not bring any attention to yourself. And then you think through the situations of what could come out of this, and how to be prepared for it as you like, you know, maybe you're hiding in bed, and you got the covers over you, and you're hearing this fighting going on in the other room, you need to come up with something.
And, you know, for me, it was thinking through all the worse situations that you know, can potentially take place. The long term effects, you know, of that, is that not only did I know what normal, you know, was because I was too busy, always thinking through the worst was going to happen, but I missed out, you know, on fun, and sometimes, you know, taking a risk is warranted, because then that's how you have new experiences. If you limit your life because of what may or may not happen, you know, you're not going to be able to experience the fullness of life. So what can we do about this thinking about the worst, you know, is going to happen, let's say, you know, as a kid, this is a technique that you did follow, and you used, and now as an adult, you're realizing that, you know, in your marriage or with your kids, you know, it's not necessarily healthy to think every time your kid leaves the room, you know, and goes to school, you're thinking like the worst potential situation could happen.
That's, that's not going to be helpful, it gets you stuck into negativity, right? Where one negative thought creates a negative, another negative thought, and then you just weary constant worrying, it just sucks the life out of you. Because you're, you're spending so much time focusing on something that, you know, hopefully will never happen. And again, there's a difference between being prepared. And then always thinking, the worst is going to happen, you know, there's that line that I think is important to kind of focus on of the difference between, you know, too much negativity, and being prepared, you know, for something.
So, to get over this, like, overcome it, you know, obviously, therapy is a really good option. You know, you could do cognitive behavior therapy, you could talk with your counselor, your therapist and find out, you know, how you can work through that issue together, it's always a great option. So that way, you have a professional to be able to help you get through this. But I've also found just, you know, basic meditating through the course of the day, you know, often therapy is once a week for about 15 minutes, what are you going to do for the rest of the time, you know, the other hours of the day, you're often given homework, you know, as a, you know, when you come out of therapy, where the, the therapists will say, I'd like you to do these particular activities, you know, and kind of focus on them.
And for me, I found that meditating can be helpful, you know, a guided meditation, again, there's so many things, you know, you go to YouTube, this, you know, today and you put in meditation, you know, calming meditation, dealing with anxiety, you're gonna get tons of different results, you know, you could use the calm app on your phone, you know, if you have a mobile phone, there's so many different things that you can do, you know, free resources, you know, you can go to the library and get a book, you know, on dealing with anxiety and worry, you know, or purchase a book, there's, there's a lot of different things that help you with meditation.
And we could be just 15 minutes, the way you start your morning, we're, you know, if, when meditation when you're finished with that, you could also again, I've mentioned this before, write in a journal, just have a journal for yourself could be electronic, it'd be a physical journal, you sit down, and you can focus on, you know, name five positive things that have happened to you, you know, in the last 24 hours. And the first time you start my, you know, you start doing that might be really difficult, because, again, you're always focusing on the negative, you basically have to retrain your brain. And I think a lot of what I've learned, over the years of overcoming, you know, an alcoholic or dysfunctional family is just literally, like kind of rewiring the neurons in my brain, you know, they they're used to going through a certain path, thinking a certain way. Well, opening up different pathways by thinking differently, takes work and can be really difficult in the beginning, because you're used to that habit, forming a new habit takes time and effort.
And it's not necessarily just like, Oh, I'm going to use willpower. It's finding, you know, skills and tools and applying them each day, incrementally. It's not like an honor We're off switch. And I've said this again, like before you don't, you don't go on a journey like this and just say, Well, I'm going to be finished in a week, you know, or I've read this book and how, you know, that's, that's not how things work. So when you focus on meditation, you might want to say, I'm going to add this 15 minutes every day of my life, you know, or five times a week, or whatever it is just start small, you know, and then see how that if that helps you. So therapy, option one, meditation is another option, and then mindfulness. When you're in a situation, and I'm going to go back to that parent, adult child voice, if you're in a situation and something happens, and your first thought, is this negative, you know, feeling that goes through your brain, you know, like, oh, the worst things gonna happen, if they go on that car ride, what if the car breaks down?
The, you know, adult voice, you could ask yourself, Is it true? Or is this thinking healthy for me, it sets the stage for that new habit. Whereas you're challenging the thoughts of the past, what may have worked, as a six year old or a seven year old, when you were a kid isn't necessarily the same skills and tools that are going to work for you today, as an adult, it's okay to grow, it's okay to change. It's okay to let that heavy, load off your back, put it down and say, starting today, I'm going to take these particular steps to move forward. And what may, you know, work today, you might have to evolve over time, forming a new habit, learning new skills takes time, what you know, you might say the meditation doesn't work, but the mindfulness does. And some of those, you know, mindfulness could be, you know, visualization techniques, one of the ones that I like to use, and again, it might sound woo-woo, or might sound very new-agey, but I do find it to be comforting, is that when I'm going through a situation, and negative thoughts are, you know, are kind of taking over, like, oh, worried about this worried about that, this is going to happen, that's going to happen.
And again, you know, with, with the pandemic, I struggled a lot in the beginning of that, the, what we were seeing on the news, what we were experiencing, just going to the store to buy food, and you know, the masks and seeing the death counts, and the daily cases, it was difficult dealing with the stress of like, Is this the end? You know, is this what, you know, people had said, like, the end of the world is going to happen, you know, seeing, you know, with my own eyes, walking through a store and being like, all the food is like cleared out of shelves, like, how am I going to feed my family? You know, what, if this gets worse, what do we you know, etc, etc, etc, those negative thoughts, what I found to be helpful is self parenting. By closing my eyes, you know, breathing in slowly, taking a deep breath, holding that breath for a couple seconds, and then slowly exhaling from my mouth.
And then I think of myself, you know, as a kid, stressed out, worried, not sure what's going to happen. And then as an adult, I walk up to that child, you know, me, just wrap my arms around him, and just hold them close, and just say, it's all going to be okay. It really is all going to be okay. And when you do that, and focus on that, the the, the stress level kind of goes down within you, you know, the breathing aspect helps you the mental clearing the cobwebs and the brain, breaking that groove, you know, of the record, it really does help to be able to focus on a very simple of visualization technique that you can do anywhere, you know, those type of things can help you deal with this type of, you know, problem. And the more that we're able to admit, yeah, thinking negatively isn't always gonna help me, the better. It allows us to open opportunities to embrace a new way, a new habit, something that can be positive thinking of the good that will come out of a situation rather than always thinking about the negative.
So, I know it's a lot to take in. And I did want to end as I'm going through my notes here. There's a book called The Big Leap by Gay Hendricks and I read this is maybe two years or so ago, and he has a section about dealing with worry. That is just, you know, reading that section. It's so worth picking up again, the big leap by Gay Hendricks, it he basically walks you through seven steps of visualization technique where you're sitting there, and you're going through a moment, where you're thinking, Where am I feeling this negativity in my body? And then as you have your eyes closed and your breathing, you think of that? Is it like, do you feel the weight of a situation on your shoulders? Is it tightness of your chest? Is it you know, your your shoulders, like your your neck is sore tense, because you're always tense up?
You know, where are you carrying that worry. And then allow yourself to release it through breathing techniques and thinking of that. Lastly, you look at the situation, and imagine what if you allow that good, new thing to come into your life, the thing that you're worried about starting a new job, you know, getting into a new relationship, moving cross country, whatever it is, and it could be something, the simplest thing, to the most complex thing, whatever that is, what if you allow space in your life for that, and open the door in your brain, in your mind, to allow for that new situation, and you just breathe that in and breathe that out? Again, I highly recommend picking up you know, the big leap, I'll put the links to the, to the book, in the show notes. When we look back at our childhood, and see some of the things that happened to us, you know, even as a as a kid, I used to think that everybody, you know, grew up that way, everybody had the kind of problems that, you know, I grew up with, and that's not necessarily the case. Because as someone who grew up in an alcoholic and dysfunctional family, you quickly realize that, you know, you come against this thing that normality with other families and your friends. And you look at it from afar, like, how do people live that way? Because your, your, your brain is wired entirely different.
And it is nice to be able, like, a dinner is just a dinner, you know, or just, you know, one bad thing that happens is not the end of the world. You know, like, oh, there was a car accident? Yes, it was bad. Everybody's okay. But it doesn't necessarily mean that the marriage is now over and saying those things. Now, you know, I look back as an adult and be like, I don't understand, like, how did it all even happen? You know, what, what were the situations and because I have more of the story, now I understand what was happening. But as a kid, I only had a slice of the story, I didn't understand some of the problems that the adults in my life were struggling with. And they were doing the best that they could, for better or for worse. And that is basically, you know, those situations would bleed over into, you know, the family life, and how that affected me and growing up. The good news is, you know, there are ways to move forward, you can get help, you can find ways to be able to enjoy a happy and healthy life.
It's not easy sometimes, like, you know, the brain always goes back to that struggling time. But it's also not impossible. So today, let's focus on the positive, what can we do and enjoy our lives and have fun with it. And really allow ourselves just to be without the worry without the anxiety, without the what if. So, with that, I want to thank you for taking the time to listen, you know, on this podcast, thank you so much, however you listen. And if you do enjoy it, spread the word, share it with a friend or a family member, shoot them an email to a link to one of the many ways you know listening whenever Spotify, iTunes, Google, whatever, I'd appreciate that. So thank you again, and I appreciate it. Until next time, be well.