Let Go and Be Free Podcast: Episode 57 (Overcoming Self-Pity)

Listening to the negative voices from our past restricts us from growing and living a happy life.

When we focus on self-pity, we remain trap. To change that, what steps can you take to stop ruminating thoughts and negativity? 

If you don't see yourself as worthy and loveable, then you will remain closed off from the greater possibilities ahead of you in life.

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Transcript

Welcome to the Let Go and Be Free podcast, a podcast for those who grew up in an alcoholic or dysfunctional family. I'm your host, Ron Vitale, author of the Let Go and Be Free: 100 Daily Reflections for Adult Children of Alcoholics series. If you'd like to learn more, feel free to visit, letgoandbefree.com. And with that, let's get on with the show.

Welcome to this week's episode of the show wanted to take a little bit of break from doing discussing the laundry list items. Last week's episode I thought was a very heavy, detailed episode and wanted to switch things a little bit. Not that this issue is necessarily later or easier to deal with. But I thought that a single focus episode on overcoming self pity, I think, would be something that would be helpful for you. So that is going to be this week's episode. You know, over the years, I've tended, more adult children of alcoholic meetings.

And I can recall, I've been part of closed Facebook groups, for adult children of alcoholics and those who have grown up in a dysfunctional family. And I can compare with my own past experiences, there does seem to be a common thread, to those people who are just entering the recovery period. Typically, you'll see or hear, depending if you're at a meeting, or if you are looking at Facebook posts, similar type threads of comments related to you know, someone complaining about their life and their situation. And, you know, I state this not as a means to judge. But more as an objective, there is the how your mind works, pre working on the journey of this recovery, and then post.

And with that pre mindset, it's often, you know, someone either can't verbalize that they feel trapped, don't know, but they're struggling could be with depression, it could be dealing with trauma, it could be dealing with a lot of different things. The challenge is, when someone comes, you know, into a group, and they start sharing, often it's about all the bad things, you know, that someone else has done to them, or what they have lived through like that person or persons specifically, it's often you know, a parent that is, you know, addicted to some type of drug or, you know, struggles with alcohol. And you'll listen and hear story after story after story about, you know, lying and cheating and stealing and verbal and physical abuse, horrible, horrible stories.

And often, the mindset of a person prior to recovery is focusing on everything else that's going around in their life. And either they're trapped, and they don't know how to get out of it, or they're blaming somebody else, you know, that parent, for what they're either went through in the past or where they are, you know, now, it's always like in there, it's like them against the world kind of mentality. Whereas once someone goes into the recovery period, and starts working, again, no matter if it's therapy, or the 12 steps, or self help book, or whatever path you decide to take, or that person decides to take, there is a difference in the mindset of a person pre and post, you know, struggle in the journey that recovery. And I wanted to share that because if you are in the early stages of deciding to join on this, you know, recovery, and you're new to the steps, maybe you have just started working on them. Or maybe you've just started going to therapy where you're trying to figure out why the heck are you here?

Why isn't life going for you better than it is for others? There is sometimes the switch on the mind looks inward, and it's like, oh, woe is me. Here are all my problems. These are all the things that are wrong and then like enumerating them. This person did this to me, I never got a break here. You know, I didn't have this I didn't have that. They treated me this way, etc. It's one of those things that I don't know If there is a way to be able to overcome those struggles, if you don't allow yourself the freedom to be able to think beyond the moment.

So now, you know, if you are at this early stage of the journey, or even if you've been on this journey, for a long time, I think it's important to take a moment to be objective, and look at your behavior and look at what you know, you've been through, there is the mindset of being a victim, or there's the mindset of being a survivor. So, you know, being overcome with self pity, you know, I never get a break, you know, my parents did this to me, or my mother is still struggling with alcoholism, and everything falls on me. And I'm not getting the raise that I deserve. And I don't this, I don't, that there's a lot of dispersion of blame, that goes outward.

Other people are wrong, other people do things, and, you know, do things that hurt you. If you look at your life that way, and always define yourself as the victim, then it limits you from being able to see that there is a life beyond that mentality. The problem is, and this is where things get complicated. If you can't see that there's something beyond the here and now, meaning, if you always think your life is going to suck, because you know, everything has been against you from day one.

And that could be very true. But if you're stuck in that mindset, then you're always going to be imprisoned in prison, mentally, psychologically, potentially physically, like, you might say, I'm stuck in this house with these people. And I can't get out, you know, what I'm saying is learning through therapy, or the 12, steps, tending culture and of alcoholic meetings, whatever path you decide to take, learning to see yourself as a survivor, as an active person who can grow beyond what you grew up with, or you're struggling with now, opens different doors. It is literally the mindset of, if you think you're a prisoner, and you're trapped, you're always going to be trapped.

Whereas, you know, studies have shown with prisoners who could be in for decades, those who use their imagination for like reminiscing, in daydreaming, you know, focusing on the positive of like, you know, a future date, they tend to do so much better in that type of environment. You know, of course, if someone's trying to be rehabilitated. If you are in the mindset in which you are kind of looking down on yourself with self pity, then if you can't help yourself out of that hole that you're in, and don't look for help, by, again, various sources, therapy, etc, then you're going to be trapped. And that, I think, is the unfortunate thing. Because I have seen you, you'll notice this yourself, especially if you go to different adult children of alcoholic meetings.

Or if you see, you regularly attend different Facebook groups, you'll notice that certain people will share very similar stories. And after let's say, six months or a year, those stories have a similar pattern. And if those patterns don't change, and there doesn't seem to be a self reflective, like hey, wait a minute, why am I always saving, you know, saying this type of story? Why am I always talking, you know, this particular way? And always putting myself down and always you know, focusing on the bad and life why aren't I focused on X y&z If there isn't that self reflection, that self awareness, then unfortunately, you're in a situation where looking on the outside, at the end to someone's inner struggle when they share in a meeting, or if they're sharing something on Facebook, it gives you a little bit of perspective. Again, not to judge them, but it allows you the awareness of Hmm.

They keep talking about a similar theme in their life over and over and over again, and there doesn't seem to be an outlet for them to be able to grow beyond that. The question that I'm asking you is if you see that and other people, can you ask that to yourself, can you say do I do similar things? Do I always you know, act codependent ly and try to save the day in a particular circumstance you know, with the member of my family Am I always you know, coming to the rescue or am I always putting myself down or am I always like, what is basically what are your character quirks, your character flaws, not saying that this makes you broken or unlovable or unworthy? I'm not saying that at all. What I'm saying is, if you grew up in an adult children of alcoholic home, or dysfunctional family, there is some type of baggage scar that you are bringing with you. And with you into the present and potentially into the future, the choice is, what are you going to do about that? Are you going to learn different cognitive behavior? mechanisms to get yourself out of that self pitying mode?

How could you get beyond that, again, if you work with a therapist, or if you, you know, do different exercises on daily writings, self affirmations, going to meetings, there's ways to grow beyond that. But if you are stuck, and you're just like, oh, well, this is who I am, and you don't allow yourself the way to grow beyond that, then you're going to limit yourself and limit your options for the future. So be a little bit specific, because it's all very vague right now. So when I was younger, and right at the beginning, you know, my journey on the adult children of alcoholic meetings, you know, I would go and for the first, I'd say, a couple of weeks, I just didn't know what to expect in the meeting.

And I've shared this in past episodes, I just would sit around the table, go through, you know, we read the book, you know, the various staff, we'd focus on it, we'd say, the Our Father, and then people would go around the room and share. And again, I just had no clue what was going on. I just would listen. Listen, listen, I'm really good, critical thinker, good listener of like, taking things and like trying to piece things together, like, what does this mean? Why are they telling us this, and eventually, I did trust the group. And I started sharing information about my own life.

And when I did that, the patterns, you know, emerged, that would typically tell stories about either, you know, things that grew up with my father, and the relationship between my mother and father and how I felt about that, and after they got divorced, and the shame of you know, what was really happening between the two of them, when I realized that, and the implications of that, and, you know, just that whole mess of growing up, you know, in a tragic, dysfunctional family. So I had that, and then I would start talking about the relationship that I had just gotten out of it, we talked about, you know, the breakup, and how sad I was, and feelings that I had.

And I kind of knew that there was a correlation between what I grew up, you know, in the past, and what just happened in the relationship, you know, I could see that some of the same patterns, you know, that were happening from what I saw, between my father and mother, like, I would be in that same kind of situation with a person that I was in relationship with. And this deep fear of abandonment would just take hold of me. And I just felt like, I had to cling desperately, to you know, the woman that I was in a relationship with that if I didn't, that might world would end, like it made no logical sense at all. And I would struggle with that, you know, like, I just would be like, Oh, do you love me?

And, you know, or is everything okay? And, and if there was an argument, I would always think it's the end of the world, like, the relationships over and we're never gonna get through this. And it was just horrible, horrible stuff. And I look at that, and now realize that I didn't really have the maturity at the time to understand that I needed to focus on myself. I focused so much on, you know, what my problems were? What happened to me in the past, and there was this like, self pitying just deluge of thoughts that would just pour out of me.

And I just was, like, stuck in the mindset of I could not, like break the train of thought that the pain that I was going through is never going to end. And I couldn't see another day, you know, beyond not being soft, like in a suffering situation. Even though I was listening to the stories from the people around me, and hearing the similarities of like some of their stories. What started to cut through the fog in my head is that I realized that people started sharing their success stories of how they were doing better. They would you know, if I was at a meeting, they would share something that they went through and how they acted differently with let's say, an alcoholic parent. Should say someone that struggles with alcohol, I think it's a better way of putting it. With that being true. Drew, I tried to look at, you know, my own life and figure out like, wait a minute, I'm doing something similar of like, I'm always putting myself down.

If I'm desperately looking for a quote, unquote, love, and I can't find it, the simplest answer, again, it was always right in front of me, it's like, oh, wait a minute, until I find way to know that I'm worthy, I'm lovable, I'm comfortable with myself, I can do my own things, make my own friends have my own life, they don't need to be in a relationship with someone. When I realized that, and I took time to work through those steps to go through that process. Then other doors were open to me, that it's like, oh, if I, you know, started dating someone, and if it didn't work out, well, it didn't work out, move on, that person goes on their life, I go on my life.

And, you know, eventually, you could meet somebody else. At the time, though, when, you know, when I first started on this journey, I could not even wrap my brain around that was so desperately afraid of, you know, abandonment, that people would see through me and see all the horrible things that I had gone through and see all my mistakes that I've made, and see me as you know, just being inconsequential person not worth spending time with or loving. And when I looked at myself that way, and having that, you know, self pitying view of myself, one that does not make you attractive to other people. And I don't just mean physically attractive, I mean, attractive personality, if you're a needy person, and that comes off, you know, in your relationship with someone, and you don't have a way of setting boundaries of like, Hey, I'm okay with myself, and I can do my own thing.

When you don't have that. People who do have boundaries, will recognize that and will want to stay away from you, because they know that you're not going to be a person that's going to be at a place at a healthy place to have a good relationship with. So, you know, as I started going through the steps, as I continue with therapy, as I continued going to the adult children of alcoholic meetings, I realized that, you know, I had a choice, I could just keep going from relationship to relationship, always searching for quote, unquote, love, and then getting caught in this spiral of codependency neediness, fear of abandonment, and then shame, feeling all those things, being afraid to admit that I was struggling with all this. And then the relationship would fall apart, I would feel like crap, I would be upset, the world would be ended. And then it would just go on for a while.

And then eventually I'd meet somebody, and the pattern would repeat again and again, again. And it's not that I had tons of partners, but I'm saying like after maybe the third time that you're dating someone, you're like, Hmm, this is this familiar pattern. And then what helped me is that when I started going to adult children of alcoholic meetings, when I started hearing similar stories, that I would see the threads, and be like, Hmm, they went through something similar. And they keep telling the same stories as well. And they're not changing, they're not growing, they're not accepting, you know, who they are. They're not processing that. Eventually, I got to the point that I was like, hmm, I would like to try something different.

How do I eventually overcome this baggage from my past? How do I, you know, the phrase at the time was self parent? How can I give myself the things that I never got from let's say, my father, what I wanted, you know, there were times that I would think, and I would just commiserate, like, my brain would just go in the circle, I would like, Oh, my father never taught me how to throw a ball, never have a catch. With my father, he didn't teach me how to ride a bike. And he didn't this he didn't, that was me, woe is me, Woe is me. And I think it's important to put into words, those experiences and explained why you're upset with them, process them. But at some point, you have to let them go. Like, that's what I learned, I realized that I cannot put my entire future and hang it on something that happened to me. You know, as a kid that was beyond my control. I had to make a decision. Do I want the past to define me? Where do I want the present and the future opportunities to allow me to thrive and to grow? And that was something that, you know, again, took a lot of work from you to be able to figure out and like, how am I going to, how am I going to do this? Like, literally, what am I going to do? If you're in that situation? Now, I don't care what part of the world you're in. I don't care how old you are.

I don't care how young you are. I don't care. Any of that. The thing that I want to say is like from a mental state of mind. If you're looking at things with blinders on your life with blinders on, you're only going to see a very narrow field. If you limit yourself, then you're just going to be limited. If you take a risk, and try, look to get help, you might stumble, you might try a therapist, not like the person, try another one, you might go to one ACOA a meeting and hate it, you might try another one, you might pick up the 12 step book of adult children of alcoholics, maybe like that. What I'm saying is that, in the beginning, it's kind of like a trial and error thing, because what works for me may not work for you.

But what I did find helpful is the repetitive power of trying different activities that would get me away from the perseverating of the self pitying, oh, woe is me, the more time that I spent, you know, daily meditation book I read every day, I would read a book, you know, like that book, I'm sorry, yeah. Chapter, you know, like a daily chapter in a book of like, here's 500 words for you to think on. XYZ. Today. I did that religiously for like, over a year, you know, when to see a therapist, you know, once a week started going to a couple ACO a meetings. And the point was, I was trying to, for lack of a better word, reprogram my brain, create normal, different neural pathways of instead of always thinking, Oh, I'm unworthy. Look at all these horrible things that happened to me, I'm miserable. Now. I don't know how I'm gonna get beyond this. I started changing it to what things can I do for myself to help myself? How can I build up my own self confidence and self worth? What activities can allow me to do that, and it was these baby steps, like, I'm gonna go out to movie on my own. I'm going to write a story. I'm going to write in a journal, I'm going to go to therapy, I'm going to hang out with friends, I'm going to try to make new friends. I'm going to this I'm going to that it focused. It allow me to focus in a different way, rather than stuck in the past. And say, these are the experiences that have defined me, these are why I'm limited. Instead, I flipped the script. And basically, it turned into what can I do to grow beyond what I basically suffered through in the past?

How can I create a clean break? How can I open up my mind in a way that would allow me to feel happiness? What is happiness for me? Is it only being in a relationship with someone and that person is, you know, codependent with me and me with them? And then, you know, that lasts for whatever a year, and then it falls apart? And the answer would come back. Is it true? No, that's not what defines me. And that process of maturation, of growing, of trial and error of learning about myself, it took time, and that self parenting time, what did I like to eat?

What did I what music that I like to listen to like, as I started to explore and discover beyond always thinking of those negative things that my past and why I wasn't, quote, unquote, worthy or lovable. It allowed me to define myself, for me, not for someone else. I realized that certain music would lift me up, I realized that if I read certain books, I enjoyed them. If I went to certain movies, I learned things. If I went to a therapist, I learned something about myself. That's how I learned about the adult children, alcoholic meetings, I didn't even know that they exist. Sure, I knew that they existed for, you know, Alcoholics Anonymous, I knew there were 12 steps, I'd heard about that. But it didn't know that existed for adult children of alcoholics and those who grew up in a dysfunctional family. That was something that my first therapist said, you might want to consider going into that. And I was just like, Nah, that's not for me. But the seed had been planted.

And the choice in front of me was pretty clear. Do I want to be miserable? Do I want to stay this way, you know, for whatever the rest of my life or you want to try and grow and do something different. And at the time, you know, I was in my early 20s, it was a perfect time for me to grow and grow in a different way, grow in a way that I could become the person that I want it to be, that I could have the self confidence that I could have the self esteem, that I could deal with the struggles that I've dealt with, and Pass. So again, I don't care where you are in the world, I don't care. You know, what you might think of like how bad of a person you are. Because like what you've dealt with, and you're unlovable and you're unworthy, it doesn't matter what I think. It doesn't matter what your family thinks, what really, ultimately matters is what you think of yourself.

And that is really hard in the beginning. But what I'm saying to you is, there is hope, if you see a door, you can go through it, and you can open up your life to different possibilities. But if you close your mind off, and if you refuse to try, then you're always going to be in a situation where you're not going to be able to really have that full potential of who you want to be. And I think that's the that's the tricky thing about this, you know, dealing with the self pity, it's really easy to say to others, why have this happened to me and this and that, because then you get that false sense of concern from other people, I'm so sorry, you know, that you went through that, oh, you know, this or that, it gives you a temporary boost of dopamine, because people pay attention to you. But at the same time, that might turn into people pitting you.

And if they have pity for you, then it doesn't really allow you to have that true empathy, and relationship bonding between you and another person. And that, again, if you want to grow beyond that, thinking from a different perspective of you are responsible for your present, you are responsible for looking at yourself and saying, Do I feel loved? It's not if others love you. It's, do you love yourself, love is the gift that you give other people and you give yourself if you're not able to do that. However, if you can't love yourself, how are you ever going to be in a healthy relationship with someone else, you're just going to be desperately needy, and you're going to be cleaning and the relationships gonna fall apart. Because you're you don't have a solid foundation on your side.

And that's something that I think is really critical to think about. So the choice ahead for each of us in every day, because again, there's no black or white, it's not like, oh, I never have to deal with self pity, or, you know, always thinking negative now, I still struggle with that at times. But when you when you say it, and you speak it, and you write it, and you allow that to go out into the world, and you are vulnerable. And you put that out there, because you know, at the end of the day, that doesn't define you. That is how you grow.

That is how your brain starts having these different neural pathways. Because you're like, Hey, I've been here before down this path, down the spiraling. If I keep doing that, I'm going to be miserable. What can I do to help myself? What helped me in the past, and if you're new to this, that's where it's important to kind of start defining those things to where the trial and error process comes in. You know, instead of sitting and you're gonna just, you know, have these ruminating thoughts about how horrible you are because nobody loves you this and that, what can you do differently? You know, studies have shown that if you verbalize what you're grateful for, by doing that, it allows your mind to think in a different way, rather than always thinking of these negative ruminating thoughts.

Go volunteer, go to a movie, write a journal each day. Read meditation each day, practice Tai Chi, practice yoga, go to Pilates, go with a friend to a concert, like what are the things that are going to work for you, it's going to be a, a network, a web of things that are all kind of come together that are going to work for you cooking, gardening, you know, just taking a walk, going with a friend and going fishing, I don't know, whatever is going to work for you. The point is, you have a choice. I have a choice. Each of us has a choice. If you're listening to this podcast, you've taken a step in which you're open to at least the possibility of I want to feel better. I want to have a life that you know, I can embrace that I can let go of this baggage from my past I want this freedom. You have to demand that of yourself.

You know Again, it's it's it's like a mind game within yourself if you're trapped within what your parents may have yelled and screamed and fought, and you know these aspersions that they just put on you time and time again, you may believe what they shared with you. But what I'm saying is, if you question that, is it true? You know, you may have been called stupid or dumb or slow or, you know, a burden on them or whatever was thrown at you. Is any of that true? And if you look objectively at your life, what can you do to free your mind from the baggage of the past the baggage of self pity? What I'm saying is, practice the trial and error of different tactics that will get you from point A of ruminating thoughts, self pity to where you want to be freer, happier and thriving. Is that easy? No. But it's also not impossible. So I hope that this has been helpful. I hope that what I've shared here can help you to have a better day today. And to allow you to take the small baby steps of what you want to do for a better tomorrow. So thank you, I appreciate you taking the time, you know, to listen. So if you'd like to learn more, visit the let go and be free.com. If you're looking for, hey, I'm looking for some daily, you know, recommendations of like, what can I read each day, there's the let go and be free volumes that you can buy in any online bookstore. There. Also on the blog. I've got tons of stuff at the let go and be free.com. There's all the links to all the past episodes of this podcast. There's the blog where there's like literally hundreds of articles there. So there's lots of resources that can help you to get to where you want to be. So thank you again, and as always, be well.

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