Let Go and Be Free Podcast: Episode 56 (Let's Review the Laundry List: Items 1-3)

When you first review the Adult Children of Alcoholics & Dysfunctional Families Service Organization’s Laundry List, you might feel overwhelmed. I know I did when I first read them.

The good news is that as soon as you take the first step to overcome your past and are willing to read through the Laundry List, you’ve allowed yourself the freedom to reflect and be honest with yourself. Change takes time.

In this first look at the Laundry List, I review the first 3 Laundry List items and share personal stories of my own challenges with them.

I invite you to come on this journey with me, listen to the episode, and then give yourself the space and time to decide what you’d like to do next.

Let’s get started and see what we can learn together.

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Transcript

Welcome to the Let Go and Be Free podcast, a podcast for those who grew up in an alcoholic or dysfunctional family. I'm your host, Ron Vitale, author of the Let Go and Be Free: 100 Daily Reflections for Adult Children of Alcoholics series. If you'd like to learn more, feel free to visit, letgoandbefree.com. And with that, let's get on with the show.

Hello, and welcome to this week's episode, I want to thank you all for tuning in. If you're new to the show, thanks so much for listening. This week, we are going to start our discussion of the adult children of alcoholics and dysfunctional family World Service Organizations laundry list, if you visit their site at adult children.org under the literature section, they have a page that's called the laundry list. And we're going to talk through the first three items. In the laundry list, there are basically 14 items. And this was these laundry list items are attributed to Tony A, and were written back in 1978. So first, as I always do, when I go through steps and such items, I like to read it twice. So we have some time to process kind of think it through, like what we're actually discussing. So I'll start off, I'm gonna read all three items, and then pause a moment, and then read them again. And then we'll go into and start discussing them.

So one, we became isolated and afraid of people and authority figures, to we became approval seekers and lost our identity in the process. Three, we are frightened by angry people, and any personal criticism. So let me read that again. Again, these are the first three items in the 14 item list of the laundry list. One, we became isolated and afraid of people and authority figures. Two, we became approval seekers and lost our identity in the process. And three, we are frightened by angry people in any personal criticism. So when I look at this list, I can identify with those items. You know, I have a lot of memories that are kind of like burned into my brain of being a kid and, you know, fear, anger, hatred, like those were some of the predominant emotions that I can remember being imprinted on me at the time seeing what was happening within my family, you know, environment before my mom divorced my father.

So in thinking through those items, you know, those three items, again, the we became isolated and afraid of people and authority figures, I can identify with that. Because, you know, if you can't trust, let's say, your father or your mother, and they are your core, you know, nuclear family in that the group of like the person or persons that's supposed to be taking care of you, if you don't have that basic trust, often, you know, at least I know, in my circumstance, you just kind of pull away, you go into your own world, you kind of protect yourself with any kind of coping mechanism that you could, for me, that was using my imagination and creativity and writing, you know, make believe play that type of thing to kind of get away from, you know, the fighting and the arguing that was happening between my mother and my father. And again, at that time, I was too young to understand exactly what was happening.

You know, I didn't understand that there were drugs and alcohol, I just didn't know, I was too young. And I just knew things weren't right. And there was fighting and yelling and things going on that I had no control of. So for me, you know, I did feel isolated because how it was at the time. It was me being young. I'm just communicating. I'm just learning you know, starting to go to like, kindergarten and first grade and all this stuff is happening. And it's like, well, how how do I communicate something to other people that I don't even fully understand myself?

So there's a lot of that, you know, fear that was kind of burned into me and being afraid of just people like well, is this person going to turn on me is this teacher going to act weird? What about this authority figure like you know, they're gonna be like my father like, there was a lot of prejudging that was taking place in my brain because I was trying to figure out you know, who was safe and who wasn't safe. You know, and with any circumstances, if you're dealing in a dysfunctional environment, like I had said, last week, there's no black or white, you know, issue. It's not like, someone is always bad, you know, or someone is always good, we are multifaceted people, we make mistakes, we could do something that's wrong, but, you know, try to make it up and make an amend and do something better. It's a complicated mix. So, you know, I have, I have a lot of bad memories, you know, my father, but I do have a few good memories as well.

And there's one memory that I like to think of, you know, because I don't have a ton of good memories. But I do remember being sick, I had some kind of nasty cold. And with that cold, I remember him holding me up and saying something like, just let let your congestion let it come out of you. And I will take that from you. And I thought that was like an interesting thing, because there was all these other times where he wasn't being such a nice person. But in this particular moment, I do remember that he was willing to help and have empathy, and take some of my pain, you know, from me from being really sick. And so the complexity of these parental and child relationships, you know, really can make it difficult for you to kind of figure out exactly where you stand. And then as you get older, you're trying to figure out what exactly it is, like, Do you love your, you know, the parent that you're struggling, you know, with, or struggling with, in the sense that they have an addiction, and you're, you're you don't like the addiction, but you love the person?

How do you separate the two. And if you're feeling that isolated, and you do become afraid, you know, people and authority figures, it's like, you can't trust what you see, because you're not sure if somebody's going to turn against you, you know, or if someone is going to, you know, be really nice to one minute, and then the drop of a hat, boom, you know, they suddenly blow up at you, and you're like, I don't know what's going on, and you just shut down. So I can identify with that first item of the laundry list, again, we became isolated, and afraid of people and authority figures, you know, the people that we might be afraid of, and the authority figures that we might be concerned about, could actually be really good people were just afraid to trust, you know, I see that as an essential key item.

And that first item that I just read through is, you know, we don't trust people because of our past experiences. So for two, we became approval seekers and lost our identity in the process. I can also identify with this one, you know, it's easier to say, Yes, I will do what you want, or I will be good or I will be quiet, or I will whatever the person wants you to do, rather than deal with the anger, the yelling, the screaming, the fighting, the manipulation, the whatever's going on, you know, in the dysfunctional family, you know, if, if there's active, you know, alcoholism, in the family, there could be lying, there could be blackouts, it could be all kinds of stuff going on.

And it's very scary being that kind of situation, especially if you're a child. And then you know, as you get older and grow into your teenage years, you're trying to figure out how to cope, how to survive this particular environment until you're old enough to get the hell out. And often, it is a lot easier just to be an approval seeker to be like, Yes, I'll do whatever you want, just leave me alone. But in the process of doing that, you don't have time, or the freedom to discover and explore who you are and what you want out of life. You're just basically going through the motions, you know, defensive mode all the time. You know, if you're afraid of authority figures, and other people, and the only way you know how to kind of cope is just to do whatever anybody tells you to do.

You can get yourself in a sixth situation where you might start really resenting people because you want a certain thing or even worse, you don't even know what you want. You only want what other people want. I've seen this happen to people who grew up in an alcoholic, dysfunctional family and you know, they get into relationships, and then they just put everything, you know, all their purpose, all their identity, all their meaning in life on the other person's So if that falls apart, then they feel that they are worthless, because they have no identity, you know, I can identify with that, as well. Because when I was younger, I made lots of lots of mistakes, you know, in the early relationships that I was with, and it's embarrassing and shameful. When I think back about those times, think about how needy I was, how lacking I was in self confidence and self esteem, that I didn't understand, you know, the boundaries between what was okay for me, and what other people were doing. So it was, it was a very complicated circumstance to kind of grow up, and to being, you know, approval seeker of like, I just want people to like me, or I just want people to, frankly, leave me alone, and not give me any hassle. Because I've dealt with enough hassle, you know, in life. And that, that, unfortunately, is, is something that you can't, you can't easily grow out of that. And it's not easy to see that within yourself.

Because, again, you know, if you're looking in the mirror, and you're like, Oh, I'm a yes, person, I always say yes, I never stand up for myself. I can understand if you feel shame, or if you are worried, and fearful of like, how are you ever going to grow out of that, because that's just who you've been, since you were young. And that was your coping mechanism to kind of get through. This is where I think it's important, you know, again, going to therapy and talking with your therapist about codependency and the need for boundaries with you and other people in your, you know, in your family. And in your life. You know, six situations where I've seen, I've seen managers that work take advantage of this on people, when they see that they can manipulate people, and it's, it's kind of frightening.

You know, people are like, I know, if I push you hard enough, you're just gonna give in, because you're an approval seeker, I've seen that happen. You know, we're big bosses will do that, you know, in a public environment with like, a whole bunch of people around a table. And it's, it's not a pretty thing, you know, to be in, especially if the person doing it is the person that can fire you. So I have seen that happened. And, you know, the only way out of those kinds of circumstances is the work that needs to be done on building your self confidence, learning you what your identity is, like, Who are you, you know, like, what do you want out of life?

What is your boundary line between, you're willing to say yes, to something? And then you're you will say no, because that's not going to be healthy for you. You know, again, asking yourself the question, is this healthy for me? Or is this true? You know, circumstances such as, if a boss says, You need to work this weekend, but you already have plans, you know, family plans, you're gonna take your kid somewhere, it's okay for you to say, unfortunately, I already have plans. I can't do it this weekend. Now, you know, the boss might try to fire you or get you written up or guilt trip, you are whatever. But there are the circumstances of where do you build that boundary line? Because if you set a precedent, then, you know, it makes it harder for you to say no, in the future.

And again, though, black and white, I'm not saying that you would never say yes to something, you know, each circumstances, a particular different set of experiences and environment. And you never know, you might say, oh, I need the extra money. I'll make you know, overtime. That's great. Or, you know, my spouse can take my kid this weekend. And, you know, I'm going to do work this weekend. So it really depends on what's healthy for you, and what you want. What isn't good is just to simply say yes, all the time. Because you're looking for approval, you're looking for others, to find you worthy, rather than finding that you're worthy yourself. If if you don't know that you are worthy and you're loved, and you're, you know, you're happy with who you are. Finding that like looking and searching for that in other people is a recipe for disaster. Now, I have been in relationships when I was young, that's what I did. I threw everything into being with another person lost myself in them. I was in love.

You know, I thought that was going to solve all my problems. I figured that all would be well. You know, I believed in the whole Jerry Maguire You complete me crap. And I just didn't understand at the time that that's not a healthy relationship that you are complete. You are whole as you You are like, without anyone, without parents without siblings without your child or children. Without a spouse, you know, someone that you're dating, it really doesn't matter. If you were dropped on an island, and you were by yourself, what would you do? Well, who is your identity at that point? Is your identity only found with other people? Or would you say, Okay, this is not a great situation, because I'm on my own, I got to figure out how to survive, etc, etc. But at least emotionally, psychologically, and mentally, if you were whole, you're in a better position to be able to say, I'm going to survive, I'm going to be rescued, I'm gonna, whatever instead of, oh, no, you know, the person that I get my identity from isn't here, I don't know what to do. I don't know who I am.

I don't know what I want in life. And if you are in a relationship with someone, and you look for that one, that person to complete you, or the love, that they give you is what feeds you, keeps you moving forward, gives you the hope, to kind of like, you know, go on for another day. What if that? What if that goes away? You know, what if the person gets six, gets sick? Or the person dies? What if the person breaks up with you? Do you not have value anymore? Do you do not see yourself as lovable or worthy?

These are difficult questions. Because if you grew up in an alcoholic, or dysfunctional family, you may have been told by a parent or parents, you're useless, you're this, you know, and you might have all these negative memories, memories, of horrible things that were said to you. You know, I've heard people say things such as I wish, you know, my parents told me that they wish that, you know, they had had an abortion and I was never born. I mean, it's really hateful, horrible things. And then to, to have that, to carry that. And to think of you know, that the person that bore you into this world really doesn't see you as worthy of being around that is a difficult, you no set of emotions and complex feelings to overcome. And so the only way that I know, to be able to overcome any of these challenges, again, is to do the work on finding out who you are going on the journey, no matter if it's therapy, if it's going through going to ACOA meetings, if it's you know, journal writing, processing your emotions and fight, how do you feel about that? What do you want out of life instead of what you think the other person in your life once and you will help you align with that and go on the road with them, you know, on that journey of life. If you're always looking for that approval, and you're, you're kind of like in the sidecar and you're locked and loaded going with somebody else? And they're driving the ship?

Or the car, whatever, motor motorcycle I guess that would probably be better for the metaphor when I'm going with a sidecar. The question is, Who are you then when they're not around? What what do you like? And that's why I think it is important to have a time to discover who you are, no matter if you're married or unmarried and have kids no kids, it doesn't matter. Making time for yourself to figure out, do you like gardening? Do you like to read? Do you like to XYZ, whatever. Now, having you know, had young kids, I understand that. Some of you may be listening to this and just say like, I don't have any time. I'm working. I'm single mom, I'm, you know, got my kids. I That's my life. I get that. What I'm wondering, and I will posit this question out there is, could you ask for help for someone to like, watch your kids for like an hour, you know, when you're not working? You know, so that you could have time for yourself to do something? And again, you might say, well, that's that doesn't make any sense. I have cleaning to do I have this to do. I've got to go shopping, I have to do this. I have to do that. I get it.

What I'm wondering is, are you not worth an hour? You know, to be able to have to yourself, I would say that? Yes, I think that time is worthy for you. Maybe your friend can watch your kids for a bit or there might be a sibling, you know, or co worker, whatever. What I'm getting at is it is critical that each and every day, we take time to kind of go through and figure out who exactly are we and think through this like are we an approval seeker? What is our identity if we've lost it? How do we find who We are, how do we find what we like? Again? Is this healthy for me? Is this true for me?

Five minutes meditation, you know, in the morning, just centering yourself and deep breathing, you know, before you're getting ready for work or before you go to bed at night, or journal writing to be able to write your thoughts down if like the problems that you've had through the course of the day, I'm not saying this is easy. I'm not saying that these are the prescribed exact ways to be able to solve all this. That's not what I'm saying. I'm just positioning and positing some ideas of what has worked for me, and maybe they would work for you. Some people I know are like, Nope, don't like the 12 step stuff at all other people say they love it. Some people love going to therapy. Some people are like, nope, not for me. But I will say this, there is something that will be helpful for you. It's not like, Nope, I'm fine. And you go back to the first one, we became isolated and frayed of people and authority figures.

If you lock yourself off, and you're only trying to think that you can only you know, you're everything, you have no friends, you spend no time with family, and you just work and you're not taking time to be able to grow and go on a journey to figure out, how can you deal with some of these problems that you had, and might still have, you know, having grown up in a alcoholic or dysfunctional family, that's only going to make things a little bit more complicated for you. And it's the proverbial you have your head in the sand, and you're just denying?

And, you know, the question is, Are you really happy? What is happiness for you? What did you want out of life? Or what do you want out of life? Are you asking yourself and giving yourself the space? To ask those questions, you know, and to figure that out, it's not an easy thing it isn't. And then the third one that we'll go through today, we are frightened by angry people, and any personal criticism, this can be difficult, because, you know, again, I've shared this in the past, I've been in work situations where, you know, boss will fly off the handle and start screaming at everybody, and everybody just shuts down. You know, I get that you're in searches, circumstance like that.

And it's scary to be around, someone that is that angry. And then any personal criticism could be so debilitating that like, if you're critiqued for anything, you take it like as as personal affront to yourself, whereas, you know, maybe someone was just trying to help you with something, you know, or if you're being reviewed at work, often, you know, bosses, well, here's your positive, you know, aspects, and here's some things you need to work on. Depending again, on your work environment, some work environments are really, you know, thriving and helpful and embrace, you know, growth, others are just just trying to cut people down, or go through the motions and pretend they even care about doing any type of, you know, yearly review. So it depends, again, on the circumstance that you're in, and if you don't work, but if you're getting criticism, especially if you're getting criticism from let's say, a parent, that is still drinking, or actively addicted to drugs, or some other type of addiction, that can be really difficult to filter that out. Because you may have had years or potentially decades of that voice, you know, basically being in your head. And if that's the case, there, there's really not much that you can do you know, from that outside of recognize it, identify it, put it into words, which you're feeling when that happens when those criticisms come, and then process it and think, how are you going to get over this? How are you going to overcome this? How are you going to go and grow beyond this? So I say that because I think there is a way personal criticism doesn't have to mean that you take it to heart, and whatever anybody else is saying, it's true.

You might get manipulated, somebody might say something, slings something, you're weighing words, because they know that it will cause you to shut down or might cause you to agree with whatever they're trying to get you to do. You know, again, building those boundaries, and having, you know, as I think of it thick for shields around you when you need it is a really key critical item. And it's something that I think if you you know, if you give yourself the opportunity to think through that process, you can grow from it. So, if somebody is saying something to hurt you, you can let it roll off your skin, you know, what is it sticks and stones, you know, the old saying.

So think about that. If someone is giving you feedback in a way that could help you, then you could decide to take it or not take it, it's up to you. I remember when I first started writing, and I started going to different writing groups, and you know, took classes, and I was writing all this fiction and, you know, go to a writing group, and you go to the writing group. And basically, it's normally a bunch of other writers who are also looking to be published. And every time you get feedback criticism from someone, you'd have to look at it and say, Is this particular feedback going to be helpful for me, you know, or is somebody just, they're just giving their subjective feedback.

And maybe that's what they feel. But that's not really what you want to do with the story or the novel or whatever. So I kind of learned at an early age to kind of listen to feedback that's coming in. It's not that I'm not willing to listen to feedback. But then I can look at it and say, Is this actually helpful for me? Is this stuff true with this person is saying, maybe it is. And that could be a whole other conversation of trying to figure out what are you going to do with that, but if somebody gives you some criticism, and then you automatically shut down, you know, and then you just kind of wall up. That can be really difficult, because people are not going to want to, you know, develop deep friendships with you. Because what will happen is, everything's great when everything's great. But as soon as there are problems, if the person were to say, hey, look, I'm having this problem with you, I'd like to talk this out, that's gonna set you off.

And if you're not able to resolve a conflict with someone, everyone, everybody has problems in life. There's always disagreements and arguments over time, you know, you might want to go out one night to a movie and your spouse doesn't, because they're not feeling well. And you're trying to get them to come, well, maybe they don't want to go. So what do you do? Do you just sulk and you know, don't do anything, or maybe you go on your own. So that's what I'm saying is that there are different ways of looking at situations where if you grew up in an alcoholic or dysfunctional family paths that exist, you just might never have thought that they are avenues worthy of consideration.

You know, like, Oh, my God go into a movie on my own? You know, why would I ever do that, or going out to dinner on my own? Why? Because getting back to, if you lost your identity in the process, it's okay for you to do things on your own, what are your hobbies? Who are your friends, if you put all your eggs in one basket, then that's not going to allow you to have the growth and the freedom to be able to blossom and develop to be the person who you want to be who you want to grow into. If you're always being defined by your past, you're not willing to grow beyond that, then you're going to be stuck in a loop. And you're just going to, you know, basically limit yourself and be in a situation where you're not able to fully develop into the person that you want to be, he will always be a shining star and a hope. And, you know, you just don't put the effort into it.

And that's unfortunate, because a lot of people that just deny, you know, or stick into the approval seeking phase, that that just was easy for them to live. And so it's easier just to kind of do that now. And they just say yes, all the time. But I'm asking you to consider that there is another way. So with these first three items in the laundry list gives you a lot to think about, it's like a meaty, you know, ideas for you to be able to take in and then to kind of think, what am I going to do with these things, like, you know, read them yourself, see what you think about it, write about them, talk about them, think about them, you know, and then put them in the context of the 12 steps and see how some of these, you know, laundry list behaviors of like what you've been dealing with, since you were a kid?

How does that, you know, match up with the 12 steps that there might be a path forward for you to be able to develop and figure out, you know, who you are, and where you want to go in life. So, I hope that this episode, you know, has been helpful and that it has given you something to think about, you know, if you're new to the podcast, you know, please visit let go and be free.com Again, it's weekly podcasts been doing this now for a little more than a year. So there's 50 Plus episodes that are now available on Spotify, on Apple podcasts, etc.

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You know, and I know how my brain works. By the time I finish, you know, day one, and then a year later, I probably wouldn't even remember what the first one was. So it's a really good process to kind of get into your brain of like, Well what are we going to what's the reflection of today, and since there's over 365 If you don't like a particular one, you can skip go to another one where you could do the amount of water you know go to whatever volume for start with that then go to in three or two or one or just literally jump around wherever you want. It's up to you. So I share that because you know, the book, especially Book One has gotten some very good reviews you know on on the site so it's one it will help you with these daily reflections and two from the sale of it will help me get the money to be able to continue and pay for the hosting service. So again, thank you so much for taking the time to listen to this. If you feel that this podcast would be helpful for a friend or family member feel free forwarded along to them so they can listen to current or back episodes.

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