Let Go and Be Free Podcast: Episode 55 (Giving Up)

There will be times when you will want to give up. You might be tired of the journey and just want to fall back into comfortable coping mechanisms and to stick with unhealthy behaviors because it's what you know.

In this week's episode, I talk about the challenges in learning healthy behaviors and how to prepare for times when you're exhausted and just want to give up.

Accepting how you feel is important as is giving yourself the space and time to process your feelings.

Life is not an all or nothing sum game. There will be times when we want to give up, times when we make mistakes, and then times to get up again.

That's the circle of life.

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Transcript

Welcome to the Let Go and Be Free podcast, a podcast for those who grew up in an alcoholic or dysfunctional family. I'm your host, Ron Vitale, author of the Let Go and Be Free: 100 Daily Reflections for Adult Children of Alcoholics series. If you'd like to learn more, feel free to visit, letgoandbefree.com. And with that, let's get on with the show.

Hello, and welcome to this week's episode, I wanted to take a little bit of a different route, we've gone through the various 12 steps, we've talked about, you know, ways of dealing with conflict, we've gone through a lot of, you know, breakdown in the various episodes on how to move forward, but I want to talk about a real, you know, life situation that happens to all of us, when we go against that, you know, hit a wall, and you just want to give up, when you're tired, you're frustrated, you're like, this change isn't happening fast enough. I don't understand why, you know, I don't feel better, I'm trying to learn all these things, I feel overwhelmed, etc. So a lot of people, you know, in life focus on new year's resolutions, you know, I've January 1, I'm going to whatever exercise, I'm gonna go on a diet, I'm gonna lose whatever, 20 pounds, I'm gonna do all these amazing things. And typically, you know, four to six weeks in, all those resolutions have been thrown by the wayside.

You know, similar behavior is shown by, you know, people that go on a diet and name, you know, they go on a diet for a certain amount of time lose X amount of weight, and then as soon as they stop the diet, all the weight comes back, and sometimes more. And there have been studies that show that, you know, if you study the behavior of individuals that are on diets, as soon as they you know, get off of that diet, their old behavior patterns, return and eating, etc. So, you know, I know friends and co workers over the years who have done the Weight Watchers program, and have had great success on that type of thing. The reason why I'm bringing this up is that I equate the mental change of learning healthy, behavioral responses to conflict and dealing with you know, how to be in a relationship, taking care of yourself, self care, etc. With some of these, you know, fads that go through, like, do this, whatever liquid diet do this do that. What I'm espousing here is that there are changes that will need to take place over the course of your lifetime.

Not in the course of a week, you know, and um, you know, you're going to read a book, and then you're just magically going to, like Ace subsume all this great knowledge and all the problems that you've ever had in life will be solved. That's not how this works. You know, I wish there couldn't be an easy answer to that. But I think that's why people hit that wall, and they want to give up because they're, they're trying, they get frustrated, like, I don't understand, especially if no one ever modeled good behavior for you, or no one ever really explained to you what healthy behavior is. And I think that makes things even more complicated. Because if you're going into a situation and you're trying to figure out like, Hey, I'm looking at my past, and I'm seeing how my parents, you know, modeled behavior, dealing with conflict, we're dealing with finances or dealing with addiction within, you know, a family unit, and you probably saw lots of unhealthy behaviors, codependency, you may have seen lots of anger, and fighting and arguing all kinds of things. And if you've come from that, and you acknowledge, hey, this is where I came from, and you're trying to learn new things, new skills, and take care of yourself. That's not an easy process to go through. It's not impossible.

But I understand if you get to that point of, you know, giving up where you get to a point you're like, This is just too hard for me, I just want to give up. I you know, I don't understand how to do all this. It's too much for me. And I would ask that when you get to that point, you take a break, you process what you're feeling. You either write about it, talk to trust friends about it. If you're going to therapy, talk to your therapist about it. And then think through after you've had some time to kind of sleep on it, come back and be like well These are the skills that I need to learn, I am worth investing in, I am going to keep moving forward.

And it's a different way of looking at things of saying it's okay to want to give up and you're tired of trying, you know, learning new skills, you're you're tired of going to therapy, or you're trying, you're tired of going to adult children of alcoholic meetings and talking about your feelings or writing about them, you could just be tired, and you're just done with it all. I understand that. And, you know, I obviously can't tell you what's good for you, I can only share with you, you know, my own experiences that when I, when I hit a wall like that, what I find to be really helpful is one to admit it, you know, say, I really feel like just giving up, I don't want to do this anymore, I'm frustrated, I'm tired.

But then I build in that time to think through and process what I'm thinking and feeling instead of just like, Well, I'm gonna throw everything to the wind. And instead of looking things in a all or nothing black or white circumstance, looking at it as gradations, you know, like, well, if I don't do anything today, and let's say, I'm thinking of an example, you have an argument with, let's say, your mother who has addiction issues, and you you flip out, and you get angry, and you start yelling and screaming, and you're very embarrassed, and it's just a mess in your brain.

That guilt, you know, that you might be feeling of oh, I I was trying to learn all these healthy communication styles. I've been going therapy and writing but I fell right back into the trap. And I just, you know, went through and did all the same old behaviors that I typically do I get triggered, she said something that really got me angry, and then I went off the handle. And now I feel like an idiot, etc. And that pattern gets repeated. What I'm saying to you, is when something like that happens, that's a good opportunity to take that pause, to reflect and realize, not everything that you've learned is gone out the window. It's not as though you start at like ground zero and have to start everything all over again.

It's not like you're, you know, there's like a ledger and someone's keeping count. It's, are you going to move forward and learn these new skills? Or are you not, and it's gonna take time, and you're gonna fall and you're gonna make mistakes, and you're probably not going to understand certain things. Or you might argue with certain things that you're learning or, you know, you just might be done with it. And you might be thinking, well, it's not fair, you know, to me, because I see all these other people that grew up and happy families. And, you know, they don't have to deal with these kinds of issues, I'm tired of dealing with these things myself, I'm going to just move on and do my own thing, etc. That type of thinking might feel good in the moment. But I think it is also important to realize that one, we never quite know what's going on behind the scenes and other families. People might appear to be all doing fine. But there could be all kinds of problems going in that you know, within the family that you're not aware of. So one, I try not to compare myself to others.

Because when you do that comparison, you know, I'm not attractive enough. I'm not young enough, I'm not fast enough. I'm not gonna have enough money and up whatever. When you do those comparisons. It's really only kind of putting your own self down. And I think in today's day and age, it's even more complicated. Because, you know, even if you're on some of the older social media platforms like Facebook, you know, what do people post, you know, they post pictures of like, happy family times, or whatever, traveling somewhere and having a great time skiing or whatever. And you're like looking at a pile of bills. And you're frustrated, like, Well, why can't I have that life?

Remember, you're seeing a cure curated life from other people on social media, you're seeing what they want you to see. You're not seeing the full 360 experience of like, what Evers going on in that person's life. And having those comparisons of like, well, why can't I do this? Or why can I do that? You don't know, maybe they're majorly in debt. And they went on this trip and that's gonna put whatever at risk for their, their mortgage or something like you just don't know. And if you compare yourself to others, all the time, it's just you're never going to be able to get over the sense of having comfort and love for yourself. And what I'm saying here is wanting to give up hitting an obstacle is no Normal. And learning what you want to do to move forward is a difficult process. Because you might say, well, the 12 steps aren't working for me. Okay, maybe they aren't. But then what is working for you? You know, is it going to therapy? Is it the ACA meetings? Is it journal writing? Is it book reading? Is it what is it?

Again, it's not an all or nothing, it's not like you have to do these three things, and then you know, everything's gonna be fine. What I'm saying here is embracing the challenge. And the journey, in my opinion, is more important than having a prescribed, oh, by day 32, you're gonna have all your problems off. That, unfortunately, is not how life works. That is extremely frustrating, I understand that. Yet. How do you balance the frustration and wanting to give up with also not wanting to stay where you are, I remember hearing someone say, once, you know, people don't change, until they're ready to change. And the analogy was, like, you know, people will keep sitting on nails, you know, until it gives them pain. And they won't stop doing that, until the pain becomes too great. And then they, they decide that they need to move on, and they need to not do that anymore. That might be different for you than it was for me than it is for your neighbor than it is for your spouse, etc.

No one can know that answer on what makes change stick, and what makes you tick and move forward and learn healthier ways of living. And I want to be clear, when I'm saying healthier ways of living, it's a holistic thing. It's not just simply, well, I grew up, you know, in a dysfunctional family, and there was alcoholism, and there was maybe physical abuse, drugs, whatever it was, you obviously want to grow up, now, moving forward with your own family and not have some of those skeletons, that baggage, replicate themselves in your current, you know, new family, or even within yourself, if you're, if you're not in a relationship with someone, if you don't have kids, you look at your past and say, you know, so and so a parent was dealing with drugs or alcohol, and you see that, and you say, I don't want that to happen to me, or I don't want to be in a relationship with someone where that happens.

These are things that you need to be able to decide on your own, and figure out your own boundaries and how to move forward. You know, so now you're at a point where you have some knowledge, if you've, if you've listened to, you know, some of the podcasts, especially through the 12 step ones, and if you haven't, I'd recommend that you go through those 12 episodes, because I think there's a lot to learn there. But if you're at a point now where, you know, you've started to go through the 12 steps, you've started to, you know, look at your life to see where you can make some changes, it can seem overwhelming, you know, change can be difficult. It's, you know, you may have grown up in a family where, you know, you weren't eating healthy, because either there wasn't money to do so.

Or your parents were so involved with the alcoholism or addiction that it was kind of like whatever takeout or, you know, McDonald's meals for the kids. And that's what you grew up with. And so you might want to start eating healthier, you might want to start exercising, but then you're like, Well, where do I go? How do I do this? How do I make all these changes that I want to do? How do I learn all these new skills, these new communication tools and make all these other changes? It's overwhelming. I want to give up. I think that is an extremely normal response to something that seems impossible to overcome.

And I think what helps me so I know this helps me and what I hope it will be helpful for for you is to look at things and break things apart into smaller pieces. So you know, instead of saying, well, starting tomorrow, I'm going to eat healthy. I'm going to exercise five times a week, and I'm going to read the 12 steps, you don't have to go to therapy, you got a list of like 10 things that you're going to do. And by day, four, you're burned out, and you're like, I can't do this anymore. And, you know, I think what I have found for my own life is small changes over time, are more beneficial. Because I don't feel as though I'm taking on too much at the same time that I'm spacing out what I'm learning, you know, read a book here, go to therapy, go to an ACOA meetings, you know, over the course of time, over the course of years, change does happen in a positive way. And I know that if you are hurting, and you're in a difficult spot, now, hearing somebody say, you know, hearing me say, like, oh, it's gonna take years, I'm just sharing my experience, I can't say what's going to be helpful for you. But what I do think is helpful, is, there are some key tools that I have, that will help me when I'm going through difficult times, you know, I've got my affirmations, I've got my, you know, 12 steps, you know, I've been therapy multiple times, in the past, I've got friends that I can trust, I have a network, and I then have skills and tools in my, you know, kit, you know, virtual kit, that that way, if I if I hit a problem, you know, in life, which we all do, could be financial, could be physical, you know, I've sick recently trying to come back from that, you know, overcoming that is not an easy thing. So, depending on what the problem is, depending on what you're trying to overcome, what are the tools that are helpful for you?

What is something that's going to help you to change or feel better? And that's not something that, you know, I can answer for me. And what I mean by that is, you know, you may not like writing, I'd love it. But I find the journal writing to be really helpful daily pages to do writing as much as I can, because then I can, I can process what I'm feeling, putting into words. And then I can process those emotions in a healthy way, instead of let's say, taking things out on somebody else, you know, as an example, what works for you, and what doesn't. And so, you know, for me, I know what those skills are, I know what those tools are, for me, you know, when I hit this problem of, I'm feeling down and out, I'm tired. You know, I feel like I'm not getting anywhere, I know that writing will help me talking to trusted people, friends, family, loved ones, etc, that helps me. And then I also find that music is also a big help for me, that I can listen to music and that uplifts me, walking exercise, also is a common thing that I can do on a regular basis, that will also help me out.

But I can't say what's going to work for you. But I can, I can understand if you've hit a wall, and you feel like giving up because you're just tired. And you're like, I don't think any of this is working for me. I'm gonna stop listen to the podcast, I don't want to try to 12 steps. I'm just done. I'm just going to crawl back into, you know, my hole and forget about the world for a while. A maybe this was you need to do and then you know, when you put your head back up, you might have a different perspective and say, these certain things did help or not.

The good news is these podcasts, you know, are available, you can listen to them, and you can check them out. You can revisit them and listen or some of the skills again, basic boundary setting skills. Ask yourself the question, is this healthy for me? Is this true? Building up that internal monologue within your head? So you can figure out whatever circumstance you're up against? Your boss comes to you and says, You have to work this weekend, but you already have plans, you know, to do something with your family. What do you say? How do you handle that? You know, if you grew up in a dysfunctional family, you might be a people pleaser. And you might not be able to easily say no, thank you. I can't do that. Because I already have plans. Or it might be more complicated. You might be afraid of you say no, you might lose your job. You know, how are you going to handle that? How are you going to process that? How are you going to solve that problem in a healthy way?

Instead of some of the you know coping mechanisms you may have learned growing up in a dysfunctional family denial, or repressing your feelings with food or sex. for ignoring things or lashing out, etc, there are some of the common ones that you know people do. So, what? What are you doing? How are you going to move forward? When you hit that wall, and you get tired? And you say, I just, I just, I give up on just I have nothing left in me today, I'm done. Where are you going to go from that? And the days after that, what are you going to choose to do? That is not an easy answer. What I'm saying is looking at things from a different point of view, and not an all or nothing is helpful to break apart living life on a day to day basis. That's another thing that I personally like with the 12 steps and the 12 step program is often you're focusing on a day to time, you know, sometimes you'll hear people say focus on a minute at a time a second at a time. You know, you deal with the President, you're not dealing with what but what's going to happen, you know, five weeks from now, or if I do this, what's going to happen, you know, and then you start worrying and forecasting out catastrophizing, like the future, trust me, that's what I do.

You know, I weary, weary, weary weary, because in the past, when I was kid, when I worried, it allowed me to think through all the scenarios to prepare for the worst, when the worst would happen, I'd be like, I already know, I'm going to deal with this, I'm fine. Everything's great. And maybe, in one way, trying to see the silver lining in this. Maybe that's why I'm a fiction writer, because I can think through so many different scenarios with characters and you know, and events and situations and run through those scenarios. And like, what happens here, they're everywhere, like, I'm good at that I really enjoy, you know, that creative process. But in my adult life, in moving forward, I can always be thinking and worrying about what about X, Y, or Z? Or I'm going to miss the now, you know, and I think that's something to think about, in a in a way that maybe we don't do enough of, none of us know how long we're going to be here. You know, on this earth, we really don't. It's what are you going to do with your time? Are you going to waste it? Are we going to wear it every day?

Or are we going to take time, even if just a little bit of time each day to enjoy? What do you like? Do you want to sit on a bench and feed the pigeons? Do you want to go for a walk to want to go out with a friend? Do you want to dance and listen to some music? What makes you thrive? What is that? Find that joy? Embrace it, and move forward with it. And so, you know, as I always say, like, in my head, as long as I'm not hurting somebody else, or hurting myself, you know, that's where, you know, whatever it is, like something stupid for me, I really like cleaning. I feel like if there's chaos in my life, and I'm put some music on and I could do some cleaning, I like that. It brings me joy.

You know, that's me, you might hate it. That's fine. That's you. So when you come against that adversity, you know in life, and then you hit that wall, and you're tired, and you do want to give up? What are the skills that you have? What are the tools that you have to help you get forward, and I find, especially if I'm not getting enough sleep, if I'm not eating right, I'm not exercising, if a majorly stressed, I can't remember all these things I was I was like, I blacked out, like, I just don't have that mental capacity to be like, Oh, today, here's all these tools I have. Here's all these things that I've learned, like, that's just not how my brain works. But I do have things written down, I have things like, you know, at my desk, where, you know, if I'm going through a difficult time I can, I can read a little reminder of something that will be like, Hey, do these things. You know, you might have something like a thing about the Serenity Prayer on your on your desk, or the 12 steps or, you know, something like asking yourself the question like, is this true? Is this healthy for me, like very simple reminders that you could use, as you're going through the course of like, each day?

And I think that that could be, you know, an easy thing to do. I'm not saying it's going to solve all your problems. I'm not I'm not saying that. You know, that is the be all and end all. But what I am saying is making sure that you've got a lifeline and you've got a network, you know, like a net under you is critical. It takes work to build that up. And some of it might not even seem like it's a net But if you are focusing on your own self confidence and self worth, instead of looking for that, you know, acceptance from other people. That may have been what you did when you were young, and you were trying to get by, and just trying to survive in a dysfunctional family, but that's not going to help you in today's, you know, today's day and age in your adult life. So the more that you can focus on what skills are helpful for you, even if you do write them down, if you have like a secret journal somewhere, and you write these down these like five things, you know, you like the garden, you like to go for a walk, you know, tell yourself, you know, hey, if you're feeling down, it's okay. You know, give yourself the space to relax, and then come back like messages to yourself, you know, your past self, to your present self, I find that to be really helpful to, to go back and dig up an old, you know, journal and read through something that I wrote like a year ago, or 10 years ago.

And you look and you're like, Wow, I can't imagine I was thinking that or I was feeling that so much changed. I think that's helpful. So that you could see a progression over time. Change can take time. It doesn't happen overnight. It's not a miracle cure. It's not a quick fix diet. It's learning skills, practicing how to communicate in a healthy way, and take care of yourself, build boundaries. And be true to yourself as you move through in life. That is not easy to to, you know, to do day after day, year after year, there are times when you're going to be tired, and you hit a wall. And there's problems that come up. And what I'm saying to you is, if now's a good time, in your life, thinking and just enumerating and writing down, you know what those skills are, and having little things, it helps you little notes, a little bit of guidebooks of, you know, having a, a picture that has the Serenity Prayer somewhere on your, you know, fridge or in your room, on your bureau, wherever that can be helpful for you. There are these little cues that will help you to be able to move forward in a way that will be helpful.

So I wanted to focus on something different this week. And something you know, that I think all of us have gone through at some point when we hit hit a wall we deal with, you know, adversity and problems. And I'm hoping that asking yourself some of these questions, and thinking through and being like it's okay to feel this way, giving yourself some space to figure out what you want to do next. And then you decide what's going to work for you again, is this health healthy for me? Is this true? I can't answer that, only you can. So again, thank you for listening to this podcast. I appreciate it. If you'd like to support me, you can subscribe at Ron vitale.substack.com. You can find more about the let go and be free book series at let go and be free.com where you can just look me up Ron Vitale, on Amazon, all the other publishing platforms, you can find the let go and be free. For volume books. They're all available in ebook or they are available in print form. And they're also available on Google Play as audiobooks. So again, thank you so much for listening. I appreciate you. And as always, be well.

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