Let Go and Be Free Podcast: Episode 53 (Let’s Celebrate)

It's time to celebrate. It's been 1 year of this podcast and we've gone through the 12 steps and learned healthy skills to help us overcome our past. As we move forward, let’s embrace and celebrate life.

It's okay to be happy.

It’s okay to take time to celebrate.

It’s okay to know that you are worthy of love and joy.

Let’s reflect together on what we’ve learned and how we can embrace the simplest of things in life and be happy.

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Transcript

Welcome to the Let Go and Be Free podcast, a podcast for those who grew up in an alcoholic or dysfunctional family. I'm your host, Ron Vitale, author of the Let Go and Be Free: 100 Daily Reflections for Adult Children of Alcoholics series. If you'd like to learn more, feel free to visit, letgoandbefree.com. And with that, let's get on with the show.

But thank you for coming and listening to this podcast. This episode, I wanted to focus on celebration celebration, one of this podcast, we have just crossed our one year anniversary celebration that if you've been listening along, we've gone through the 12 steps. And then celebration of life. And I know that my last one might sound sound a little corny. But I do want to focus on the positive aspect of the changes if you've been going through this podcast and listening week after week. And if you haven't go back, it's not like these aged out. You can go to Apple podcasts, go to Spotify, you can go to the website, let go and be free.com look at the menu for podcasts.

They're on Google or on Amazon music, you can find them all over the place the the podcasts, and there's even the YouTube channel, you can find that there. And the reason why I say it's important to celebrate is that those of us who have grown up and an alcoholic and or both dysfunctional family. Often we're I guess the default mode is in crisis mode in our brain, we're always waiting for like the other shoe to drop for the bad thing to come along. Often we're preparing for the worst. Even if there's nothing on the horizon that seems bad or could be bad. It's just life when we were young taught us this lesson, that just when you think everything is going right, boom, something's gonna pop up out of the blue, and just wreck your day.

And if you live life, always in a state of fear, always in the state of looking back over your shoulder for when you know the problem is going to come. It's very easy to start connecting dots dots, and saying something like well see, here's this problem, I knew I was right. I'm glad that I've been on my you know, observance of being prepared for a problem and anxious for the last whatever so many years, because I knew this day would come.

And it's it's an easy way to connect an unhealthy coping mechanism to something of the future when something does, you know, a bump in the road comes in life. And we all know that that will happen. It could be, you know, problems in a relationship problems with jobs, problems with whatever the world politics, war, crime, it could be anything. It could be disease, it could be death of a family member, there's always going to be something in life that is going to be difficult to go through the purpose, in my opinion, of going through the 12 steps, and of going through this podcast is to focus on what can we learn as individuals? And how can we take this information to help others spread the message of hey, if you've grown up in an environment where there is abuse, addiction, all kinds of issues dysfunction, here are some healthy steps to move forward. Here are some healthy behaviors. Here's a way of letting go of unhealthy coping mechanisms and focus on things that are healthy and find gratitude, happiness, to thrive in life. You know, focus on the positive aspect, instead of being in fear, living in a box, a box of your own making, to pretend that if something bad were to happen, you can shrink. Put your walls up your defenses up, you know, and be prepared because as a kid, that's what you needed to do in order to survive. Or sometimes unfortunately, you barely scraped by because you didn't know What was up? What was down what was left? What was right? You just kind of somehow made it to where you are. And you're trying to figure out, why are you different? Why do you feel different?

Why do certain things could set you off. And it could have been decades ago, you know, you could be at a party, and you might see a person, drink too much. And that might bring you back to when you were a kid. And you can remember horrible situations that you saw from maybe your parents, and how to overcome that. This podcast this episode, want to focus on Let's celebrate, let what would happen. If we take the time and say you don't want, I'm really happy where I am today. I'm not saying that you pretend. And if you are going through a difficult time, I'm not saying that you pretend that everything is okay. But if you stop for a moment, and if you objectively look at your life, what are the good things? What are you happy about? What have you learned? If you've been listening to this podcast for the last year, that means you've been on a journey? For a year, you've been on a journey with me?

And other listeners? What have you learned? I'm not saying that everything is roses, and everything is fixed, and everything's amazing. It may not be. But think about some of the positive things that you've learned. What is in your toolkit today? And when I say that, what couple things can you learn and say, hey, you know what, I had no net. And I've been implementing that I've been trying and it's actually worked. Or you might say, no, nothing worked. But the fact that you have tried the fact that you have moved on, and you were searching, you're on the journey. What have you done? Since you've been listening to this podcast? That is a positive aspect? Have you started going to therapy? Have you tried going to a COA adult children of alcoholics meeting? Have you tried morning pages writing in your journal each day? Have you started exercising, meditating yoga? What have you tried? So when I say celebrate, the important thing of that is that none of us know, we just don't know how long we're going to be on this earth. We don't. And we don't know what will happen. After we leave this earth, we might hope there's an afterlife, we might believe that there's an afterlife, but we have no concrete way of being able to say, well, here's what the next steps are.

And if we're younger, if we're middle aged, if we're older, we really can't project into the future. And see what weeks months, years ahead will be. We can guess we could hope we could pray. But we really don't know. And so the only thing that we can really have control over is off ourselves, and the present what we have today, even if we're in the worst of circumstances, the fact that you are taking a step, to listen to this podcast, or whatever other things you're doing, you know, to kind of advance and move things forward, for your own life, celebrate that take the moment to enjoy what you have now. And I'm a big believer in just paying attention to some of the most simplest things around us. You know, I have had the most amazing moments, getting up early seeing the sunrise, or going and seeing and hearing the ocean, or, you know, looking at leaves changing things that are not necessarily valued in our modern society.

You know, these days, it seems to be more about you know, how much money you have, or prestige in your title at work, or what car you drive or, you know, how many possessions you have, or, you know, you probably everybody knows that one person that likes to brag, anytime that they're at the party, it's always about them, them, them, them, them, and all the wonderful things, you know, that they do. But at the end of the day, when, you know, we look around us, we can't control our lives, you know, in the sense that whatever happens to us at work, whatever happens to us, you know, going to work, we can't control every single moment. And some of the things are so fleeting that we have you know, we might think we're on top of the world. But I think it's sometimes the very simple, basic things, you know, that are most important. You know if you were to hear are, you know, a baby's giggle? You know, that brings you to a moment that you can look at and say, you know, life is good.

I think often that there's like a layer of artificiality that we have in our modern world, that we kind of numb ourselves from really feeling things or tending to take the time to truly communicate with somebody, to tell them that we love them, or to accept somebody's love, or to hear somebody to listen to someone, not say something back and tell your story, and try to make your thing more important than their thing. But to just be present, and to listen, there's an image, I think I may have shared this on the podcast.

At some course, in the last year, there was an image that I I'm remembering, actually, I think it may have been like a short YouTube video or TikTok or something that one of my kids showed me. And there was a young teenager that was going through a difficult time, and she was lying down on the ground, and her mother came up to her. And, you know, typically, as a parent, you would think a parent would go up. And, you know, kneel down to the kid and say, what's wrong?

And how may I help you and it's all going to be okay, you know, that's, that's the anticipated what I expected to see on this video. But instead, the mom just walked up, gave good personal space between her daughter and herself, and then lay down on the ground next to her daughter, to just simply say, you know, without words, I see you, I see that you're going through a difficult time, I don't fully understand what is all happening, but I am present.

And I am here, and you are loved. And it was just like mind blowing to see something like that and to say, you know, what? Where in our lives, can we make a difference? within ourselves and within our small, you know, community? Where can that celebration be shown? On the a big proponent of reading, you know, self affirmations, you know, to yourself each day, it's another easy way of being able to kind of reprogram your brain, from a lot of that crap we grew up with, like negative thoughts, negative thinking, especially like if we get in a situation that sets up a loop in our head of something that we lived through in the past, how to overcome that, you know, by thinking, breaking that chain of negative thoughts with something more positive, something that would allow us to get out of that moment out of the past, and live into the present. And when I think about communication and the power of words, it all has to start with ourselves. You know, if if we've gone through the 12 steps, you know, I've talked about the Serenity Prayer, it's all about really understanding these invisible boundaries, within ourselves, and then the outside world. You know, as kids, we may have learned that bad things were happening, and we didn't know how to cope.

So we just figured out as best we could, that could mean hyper responsibility or denial. Runaway when there's a problem, like there's certain behaviors that we adopt it, and they may have been fine when we were young. But now that we're older, they don't do too well, when you run into a problem, you can't hit a problem and then suddenly shut down and you don't talk to anybody. And you just ignore everything, or worse, get argumentative. You know, or think your ways the only right way, like, again, that whatever, whatever things work for you, you know, when you were a kid, most likely a lot of those didn't necessarily translate well into the, you know, the adult environment, the adult world. So, when you think about these boundaries, when you think about celebration, when you think about joy, how often do we take time to embrace being happy, embrace, celebrating, we may not celebrate because deep down we may not feel that we deserve it, you know, might look in the mirror and not like to see what what we see back might think that, you know, we're too old or with too much baggage, and it's too late for us. It's something that we're not worthy of, because we've been told that you know, our lives, and people can sense that take advantage of that manipulate you when it comes to, you know, work and say, Well, we know how this person is there. Yes, people pleaser.

So we'll just tell them, they have to do the work, you know, and they're not going to say, no, they're not going to set up a boundary, they're not going to push back. And I think, at least I hope that by listening to this podcast, there are ways that you can work and go on this journey and learn skills. Again, what is your toolkit to be able to move forward, one of the favorite things that I like to do is, you know, if you're on the phone with somebody, you're having a conversation with somebody, somebody tries to put you on the spot, you know, like, they want you to do X, and you're really not sure if you want to do X, you know, very polite ways, just say, you know, thank you for, you know, inviting me, or thank you for telling me, you know, you'd like me to do this, I like to think about it for a little bit. You know, you're pushing back, you're putting up a boundary, you're not just saying, Well, I'm just gonna roll over and you do whatever you want. You know, it might be something where you really need a little bit of time to figure out, are you free to whatever the person is asking you to do?

And often, we don't think that we have the power to say, No, you know, no, thank you don't wish to do that a lot of times, people I've seen have grown up in a dysfunctional family. Instead of saying, no, they go on a whole litany of excuses of why they can't do something. And that sends a message like a meta message to somebody else saying, Oh, if I push a little bit, I might be able to get around this because they're obviously uncomfortable. I can manipulate things. Now, someone may not be doing that consciously. They just might be more of an aggressive person, or sometimes people are aggressive. And they want to wear other people down and get them to do what they want. But when you're going through the 12 steps, the most important thing is what can you control in your life, meaning, what's what's within you.

And something like celebration, is within your ability to say, today, you can take time, and you can celebrate your life, celebrate the joy of this journey that you're going on, celebrate what you've learned, celebrate maybe a time that you use something that you learned from the 12 steps or the Serenity Prayer that it worked. And you're like, wow, that actually made me feel better, still a little achy. And I still don't quite know how things are gonna go. But I feel that, you know, I'm in a better position now than when I was before.

So I say these things, because I celebrating is sometimes not an easy thing. Those of us that grew up in an adult, you know, child of an alcoholic family, dysfunctional family, we may not want the spotlight on us. We might like to be behind the scenes, you know, on things. We don't want any fuss to be made about us. And I'm not saying in general all the time. But many of the people that I have met at different meetings, very similar type personalities, when it comes to stuff like that. It's more feeling uncomfortable in social circumstances, because there's just a lot of bad memories, you know, from the past things that they grew up with in their family. And I'm here to say that, you know, again, if you've been listening to the podcast, not saying that the podcast itself, and I don't want to take that credit for myself, you know, it's more, you are putting time and energy to try a different way to learn a different way. And that's important to celebrate the fact that you could acknowledge and be like, hey, you know what, I want help. I want to learn things. I want to try a different way. I don't wish to repeat the same patterns, you know, that my parents did. I want to be different in how I learned and how I have healthy behaviors. So I don't pass that on to coworkers, friends, a loved one children, whatever.

And again, for me, and maybe you're different, or maybe you're similar. I have found the most joy and just being outside and just recognizing the smallest simple things and saying, You know what, it's just amazing to be alive today. You know, to see snow falling and hearing that little patter of the ice pellets as it hits the ground. You know, and seeing the street light and seeing the snow come down, or in the summer, a rainbow, you know, that comes across during a thunderstorm, just some of the most simplest things of the beauty of the world. And I think often we're just so busy.

And we're wrapped up in, you know, in our heads, that we don't take that time to stop, step out, look up, look around, and be like, Wow, this is great. Like, you know, I've learned something I want to celebrate, I deserve to be happy, I am worthy of being happy. I'm worthy of love. And I've said this before, and it might sound kind of weird. But I think the greatest love than any of us could have is discovering ourselves, and realizing that, for that foundational building of the best. And the most important relationship that we have, starts with ourselves, we have consciousness that we can think we can use our words, and we can take our emotions, and put them into words that can literally transform our world, and transform who we are, if we actually believe that. And I think often we just don't believe in our own power.

If we grew up in a dysfunctional family, we may have been told, You're, whatever, fill in a negative phrase, you're horrible, you're whatever, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But if we believe what we were told, when we were kids, especially if those that told us were, you know, addicted to something, and they were saying things that maybe they didn't even No, I'm not taken saying that take them off the hook for what they did. But I think it is important that we focus on the power of our own belief in who we are, and discovering who we are. You know, that's one of the things that I love so much about the Serenity Prayer, is that you you basically use it as a filter to be like, What can I control, like, what am I able to do in my life, and what falls on somebody else, when I know the difference between those things, that's how I can build up these healthy boundaries.

And that's when I can realize I can work on this thing here, this issue that I have, I cannot fix all these other things, it's not possible for me to be able to do that. Because I recognize that I can't control that. And when I try to control that, it's an unhealthy behavior. It's something that gets me down a path that is never going to make me feel happy at the end of the day. And when you recognize that, when you realize that and you celebrate that you are now aware of that, I'm telling you, it's like, it's almost like a film is taken off your eyes, and you get to see the world, you know, differently. When you realize that if you get that phone call from a parent, and you might be guilted into doing something and you simply say, No, I'm not able to do that. And again, I'm not saying you'd be mean.

But when you realize that you have a power to say yes. Or to say no, you know, you have a power to say, You know what, I'm not getting involved in that drama over there. That's not my thing. I don't need to get lost in that I don't need to spend the energy and the time involved in that. And I'm telling you, I've seen that type of drama in work. I've seen it in, you know, family dynamics, I've seen it and friend dynamics, group dynamics, and you you don't have to get pulled and sucked into that. You can make decisions that are going to be healthy, and happier for you. And when you realize that, that celebration of that gratitude, and of the goodness that you can say, like, wow, I can make a difference in my own life. I can realize I can wake up, I can learn things. I'm not stuck. And I think that's a really powerful message. I don't have to remain what people said they thought of me, or how I grew up in a certain family environment that was unhealthy. I don't have to continue to live that way. I can choose to go down a different path.

And that that freeing moment, that realization, of openness of a path that is different than what you had thought you would be on is the difference between you know, night and day. You will see things so much clearer, because you will have given yourself that first step of believing in yourself and believing that there is a difference. way. And I think that's the The challenging thing is that if no one taught you, you know, how to build your own self confidence, your self esteem, how to build and invest in yourself, if you didn't have parents that model that in their own behavior, and you just feel lost, and then you're just kind of struggling around trying to go from place to place job to job, and just always not understanding, like, why you don't fit in, or why in social circumstances, you know, do people whatever pick on you, or, or wants you to always do something, it's because people are reading from your body language, and from how you're interacting with others, that you could be, you know, a pushover, or people pleaser, or you're the person that someone knows how to push the buttons to get you angry, to get them, you know what they want. If you look at your life, and you see how you interact with people, and you realize, oh, wait a minute, there are different ways that I could behave, I don't have to get stuck in this rut, I don't have to then repeat the things that I learned as a kid, I could choose a different way that just opens up so many possibilities. And I think that's why it's important to celebrate.

To celebrate that, you have choice, you have an ability to take a different path. And often that path is the first step is like a mental switch in your head of creating that new neural pathway of being, wait a minute, I have possibilities, instead of everything will always be a certain way. I don't deserve X, Y or Z. When you realize that there are avenues of change, of growth, of happiness, of love, that you deserve those things. And you find and learn and practice the skills that will get you to move forward on that path. That's where change, and the opening of your life begins. Instead of being closed, and feeling hopeless, that's when there is that pure joy, of celebration, and just existing just being and realizing that you're on that different path, that you're trying something different. It just makes all the difference. So with this podcast, you know, my intention was, I promised myself that I would do one year, you know, of episodes, I wanted to make these episodes, and I wanted to try as best I could to get the message out, you know, to people, I wanted to focus on my own life story, what I learned, and what I wish someone would have said to me, you know, when I was younger, you know something to the effect of you are worthy. You're worthy of love. You can grow, you can learn, and you have such immense possibility within you. If you just try. And when you fail, it's just part of the growing experience. It doesn't mean you are a failure. It just means you failed. And so the option then is what's next. And there's the beauty of that. There have been so many times in my life where I thought I wanted something so badly. I prayed. And I hoped and I worked so hard to get certain things that I wanted. And they just didn't come to be. And I'd be very upset, I'd be depressed, I'd be sad, sometimes angry.

And at those times at the nadir, the lowest point, I would realize that another door always opened for me in somewhere that I never anticipated or expected. But I was open to the possibility of going a different way of trying something different, not giving up. And that celebration of Wow, there are possibilities. There are things that I can't control. There are abilities to be able to say hey, wait a minute. Just because this one door closed doesn't mean this other opportunity, you know should be passed on. Sometimes just saying yes. Because you want to take the opportunity is all you need to get started on that other path. But if you're closed and if you think oh what was me? You know I didn't get what I really wanted. I'm a failure. I'm this, I'm that, that's not going to help us move forward. I'm hoping and really pray that each of us are easier on ourselves. Take the time to just celebrate that you are here, that you have a voice, that you could put your thoughts to paper that you could talk to someone, that you could listen to someone, that you can make such a big difference in your own life, if you just took that first step, and believed that you're worth it. So I hope this episode has been helpful for you. And I hope that previous episodes have been helpful. If you're new to the podcast, I do hope that you go back and listen to some of the old episodes. Again, thank you so much for being on this journey with me for a year. You know, there's like what this is, I think, the 53rd podcast that we've gone through together. So I hope whatever you do today, that you have a wonderful, amazing, beautiful day. And then as always, be well.

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