Let Go and Be Free Podcast: Episode 52 (Exploring Step 12 of the Twelve Steps of Adult Children of Alcoholics)

In today's episode, I discuss the twelfth step from Adult Children of Alcoholics & Dysfunctional Families World Service Organization's 12 Steps.

Step 12: Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others who still suffer, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

What does this step mean?

What is doesn't mean is that we try to force the 12 steps on someone else.

Show rather than tell.

Show people how your behavior has changed when dealing with problems rather than telling them all the things you've learned by following the steps.

The 12 steps are a framework that helps you build up a toolset that allows you to act differently when confront with a problem or crisis.

Use what you've learned to build boundaries and identify healthier behaviors on how to solve problems.

Resource:

New York Times Article: Teens Are Struggling Right Now. What Can Parents Do?

Verbalizing your emotions is critical. Put your feelings into words as you're going through the 12 steps and remember that not everyone will want to use the steps—and that's okay.

More Information about Let Go and Be Free:

Want to learn more about Let Go and Be Free? Check out the Let Go and Be Free book series.

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I’m not a medical expert. If you need help, please reach out to a medical professional.

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Transcript

Welcome to the Let Go and Be Free podcast, a podcast for those who grew up in an alcoholic or dysfunctional family. I'm your host, Ron Vitale, author of the Let Go and Be Free: 100 Daily Reflections for Adult Children of Alcoholics series. If you'd like to learn more, feel free to visit, letgoandbefree.com. And with that, let's get on with the show.

Welcome to this week's episode of the podcast, I wanted to thank you again for coming along. If you are one of the listeners that have been with us, we're close to the one year mark, I want to just thank you for taking time out of your day to listen to this podcast, I appreciate that. I like to see this podcast grow. And I'd like to see others who are in need of help to be able to be able to listen to it. So I would appreciate if you could share this podcast with other like minded friends, family members to kind of, you know, get the word out about this podcast.

And also if you haven't, please like or leave a review on one of the podcasts, podcast, places that you listen, if it's iTunes. If you're listening on Spotify, Google Amazon, just put things up on Youtube, LIKE and subscribe on YouTube, etc.

I appreciate that. Thank you. And for that, this week's episode, we are going to focus on the 12th step. For those of you who are new to the podcast, you're coming in at the end of a cycle. We have gone through over the last several months, the 12 steps of adult children of alcoholics and the World Service Organization. If you have no idea what that means, please visit their website at adult children.org. And then under the literature menu tab, there is a item called steps and you can read through the 12 steps. They're very similar to the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. So that should help give you an idea of what they're about. And again, if you have no clue what we're talking about, in this episode, I'd recommend that you go back to the the episode, which is the first step, take a look and listen to that I believe that was episode 39. So we've come to step 12, I'm going to read it twice as I normally do kind of helps me center my mind of what I want to talk about. And also kind of reflect just in general on all the steps and the journey that we've been on. So first, let me start off, I'll read out step 12. Having had a spiritual awakening, as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others who still suffer and practice these principles in all our affairs. So I'll read it again. Step 12.

Having had a spiritual awakening, as the result of the steps, we tried to carry this message to others who still suffer, and to practice these principles in all our affairs. So with that being said, there's a lot to unpack in that. Those of you who have been on the journey with me and been listening through these podcasts, you know, you might, some of you might have your shoulders get a little cringy when you see the word spiritual about spiritual awakening, again, I, you know, like to keep an open mind and that if you do not believe in God, that does not mean you can't take something good from these 12 steps. I've said it a couple times. And I'll say it again in this podcast episode for those who are new. You know, when we're talking about the steps, it's really important that you take what's important from it from you. Let me say that again, that's really important for me to get that across is that the steps themselves the principles, the underlying framework, they basically they're a toolkit for you to be able to use to help you learn how to deal with emotions, with what healthy behavior is, how to model that healthy behavior, and to learn from, you know, experience rather than you may have grown up in an environment that was dysfunctional with lots of unhealthy behavior.

And you may have had parents that did not know how to handle their own emotions, someone or both struggled with some type of an addiction. There may have been physical violence, there's all kinds of problems, you know, that I've talked to over the years with, you know, people who are on this journey, and is not to judge yourself with Like you're better or worse, or you're anything you are, who you are.

And the question is, what are you going to do with that? How are you going to move forward? Are you just going to throw in the towel and say, I'd give up? What was me, you know, I was born in a horrible family, and I have no opportunities. I mean, if you see the world that way, then of course, your outcome is going to be that way. But if you dare to look at it from a different perspective, and if you're willing to get help, willing to talk to others, willing to try different things, to be able to help yourself, there is a path, you know, to thriving in life, to have a healthy, you know, life, to have a life in which you would be able to move forward in a way that's going to be not only filled with love for yourself, but for those around you, instead of, you know, the environment that you grew up, you know, as a child.

So, with this step, the one thing I want to get out of the way right at the beginning is that, you know, carry this message to others who still suffer, I want to kind of point that out, one of the things that I was always against in my Catholic upbringing, and still till today, this rankles me, is any group, and I'm thinking of like missionaries that go to another part of the world to quote unquote, save people, I just don't believe in that. I don't believe that you force your beliefs onto somebody else, you know, go to another, you know, let's say poor country in the world, and they need food, so you give them food, but there's strings attached. You know, and I'm not saying all missionaries do this, but from the studies that I've done over the years of being in Catholic school for, you know, was third grade through college, there was a lot of bad things that, you know, Catholics over the centuries have done, and I'm thinking of the Crusades, you know, in my mind, there, there's a lot of things that, you know, in the name of man, you do, or people did, not necessarily in the name of God, or in the goodness to help others.

And again, not saying that's everyone. But that's in today's age, and where I'm coming from, when I see the words, carry this message to others who still suffer, I would add, if they're willing to hear it, this is not for us to go around and to, you know, force ourselves onto others, you know, I believe this now, you should believe this, or I found this way that helped me, it will help you to, it may not help somebody else, the power in steps is that the choice is up to you, you need to find within you whether this is going to work or not, you may take a little bit from the steps you might learn from your therapist, you might learn from another, you know, option that maybe we haven't even discussed here, maybe it's yoga, maybe it's meditation, it could be any number of things.

And I share that because I look back, and I remember my own environment. And there were situations where, you know, I felt trapped, there were influences and happenings taking place that I was trapped in, and I could not get out of and I did not have the liberty to be able to say, this is not healthy for me. I don't want to be here. So I'm going to go, I did not have that luxury to be able to say that because I had nowhere to go and as a kid, you know, when you're dependent on your parents, you know, you you What are you gonna do you kind of go through the best you can and you don't even know what's up or what's down what's left what's right.

So to try to force this on to someone else, these steps, I think is disingenuous. I think, you know, rather, if somebody says, Hey, I've noticed a change in you know, in you what's going on, uh, you know, you're going to therapy, this I can see, again, sharing your journey and talking about it. But it's not to impose or to force on somebody else, especially if, you know, often, if there is a parent that's still suffering from addiction, you know, many people are like, well just go to the 12 steps, just do it make that happen. You can go fix yourself, you could save your family, you can fix everything that you've done wrong. It's not that easy. The person who was going through a difficult time has to make the choice themself. You can't make it for them. You can't control them.

You can't manipulate them. You can't trick them. You can't anything to them. And I think with the 12 steps, that framework, that tool set, it's really important that we understand our boundaries, what we are responsible for and what we're not responsible for. We are not responsible for saving, fixing, or dealing with somebody else's problems even though my same that I would expect some of you are Listening and say, but what about this? What about that I have to take care of my mother and blah, blah, blah, blah, I hear you, I do. And I'm not saying it's a black or white issue, it could be very gray. What I am asking is if you consider how the journey of the 12 steps has or hasn't helped you, and what you've learned from it. And if somebody else is willing to listen, you can talk about it. It's not trying to convert someone, or to save someone, it's to basically say, these skills that I learned from these steps really helped me, maybe they'll help you to, maybe they won't. But once you check them out, and see if you know, if somebody is open to that they're open to that, if they're not, you back off and say, I totally get it, you know, you live your life the way you want to live yours, and I will live my life the way I want to live mine, onward and upward, building that boundary.

And I think when it comes to, you know, our family members, if there is someone that is struggling with addiction, it might be really easy just to say, well, these steps work for me, why won't they work for you? You know, why don't you do these, or someone may be working on these 12 steps and still falling, you know, still having issues with addiction, it's not a one and done thing. It's not something that you can carry that load for someone.

And what might be easy for you could be nearly impossible for someone else. And I think that's, that's important to look at this, when you when when I think of these steps, there's, you know, obviously, the 12 of them, there might be one that's harder for you than another. And for somebody else. That other step, which is hard for you could be really easy for them, each person is individual, unique and different. And I think the power behind this is for us to do the self reflection on being honest with ourselves and saying, This is where I need to work on myself. These are my quirks.

These are my, you know, go to unhealthy behavior patterns when stress or conflict arises, and then filter them through the steps so that you can understand and quickly course correct, you know, and go oh, you know, and step four, I'm kind of asked to do that search, searching inward, that reflection inward, you know, admitting, that I've done something, you know, which is not good for somebody else, how can I? How can I learn from that? How can I do something different. Whereas at the 12 step, you know, if we've had this spiritual awakening, and even if you don't want to use the word spiritual, it could just be whatever psychological awakening emotional awakening, that you realize that how you thought you were trapped, is not true. You may have thought there was a, you know, by response, meaning you could do the left path, or the right path, you didn't see that maybe there was a third path in front of you, or whatever, a fourth path behind you there. You know, there's different dimensions, once you go through the 12 steps, meaning there's different options, options become available, doors become open, because you couldn't see them before, you may have thought you were trapped in a walled like room. And then you're like, oh, there's a window that I could climb out.

And it's safe for me to do that. Or there's a door that I can just walk through and go another way. And I mean, that obviously metaphorically. And that when you realize that one, you are worth the energy and the effort to helping yourself and overcoming what you live through as a child, when you realize that it does, like click in your head. And then that starts to filter in and all the rest of your life, you will look at your work differently. You will say to yourself questions such as why do I always say yes to this?

Or Why am I always resistant to this one thing? Why do I worry all the time about XYZ and then you can, you know, filter that through and realize there may have been very foundational experiences that you live through as a child that are basically being dredged up when you go through certain behaviors in the present, meaning, let's say a spouse loses their job. And your first reaction that behavior is to freak out to get defensive and get into weary mode and like, oh my god, it's the end of the world. What are we going to do? Oh, you know, and then maybe you just, you know, catastrophize you're thinking the worst is going to happen. You're you're sleeping out on the street and you've lost everything. And that may not be anywhere near true. But because you may have had experiences when you were young, and you're you're remembering those fears, it can quickly come into the present With the 12 steps, when those circumstances come up, when you go through life, and you hit these patches, rough patches of difficult times, loss of a job, there's a death in the family, there's, you know, a disability, a sickness, you know, money problems, whatever it is, how you handle, those problems will be different, if you're working the 12 steps, because you will have time to process those emotions, to think through. And then to be able to say, this is how I'm going to act differently, I'm not going to react, I'm going to act, that's a really healthy thing to be able to go through that process, instead of just automatically going to your go to response, to give yourself the time to think through to process and then to make a healthy decision, rather than a coping mechanism.

You know, where something that is unhealthy. I was reading an article yesterday, and it was about the the after effects of the pandemic, and teen girls. And saying there's like 42%, you know, in the US of teen girls that are struggling, you know, with mental, you know, depression, anguish, anxiety, eating disorders, suicidal thoughts, etc. So there's a good portion of the teen population that's struggling right now, you know, in America. And the one of the options for parents who have a team that is struggling, is that if the team can put into words, the feelings that she's going through at that time, if she can, like vocalize and say, I'm a mix of angry, and fearful, and worried, and scared, all at the same time, you know, by just labeling those emotions, even if she has no idea how to deal with them, or, you know, process them any other way.

The power that's behind the word, matching with the feeling creates this opportunity to help calm things down in the sense of you name something, allows you to admit something, which allows you then to have the opportunity to process it, and to overcome a problem. Whereas I think those of us that grew up in, you know, a dysfunctional family with many experiences that something happened again, I'll just because it's a, it's an easy one, that somebody loses their job in the family. And then let's say, you know, your father lost, you know, his job, your mother is upset, because she's worried about how the bills can be paid, and will he be able to get another job, but instead of the family, you know, expressing those fears, it comes out in other ways.

Maybe your father starts gambling, or drinking, or he withdraws, is depressed, doesn't think he's good enough to get another job isn't trying to find another job, etc. There are unhealthy coping mechanisms. And then there are healthy mechanisms, healthy behaviors that will help you thrive. You know, if, in this article that I was reading, if a teen is upset, instead of lashing out on social media at a friend, that she talked to somebody about how she's feeling, you know, that she, you know, start smoking or getting high to alleviate, you know, the feelings that she's going through. And you can see that at a young age, those decisions, to either medicate, or to alleviate the feelings of pain, confusion, fear, feeling like you're unlovable, all those things awkward all those things, they can grow into an unhealthy habit and unhealthy coping mechanism, which then traps you. And again, you're in that for room box, and you think there's no way out.

Whereas the 12 steps, I believe that they are that framework, that set of tools that you can use to process your emotions and what you're going through in life. And it can help you stay on a path to healthy behavior, rather than unhealthy. And then again, even the action of going to an adult children of alcoholics meeting by going to that meeting, and by sharing, you know, when I've done that, I could talk about whatever's on my mind without fear of crosstalk without somebody saying, well, you're doing that wrong.

Or when I was in the situation I did this I don't know why you didn't do that the meetings that I've attended, somebody shares, everybody else keeps quiet. It's time to listen, person is talking. And when they're talking, just like in that article that I was just sharing about teen girls and the processing of emotion, that's what you're doing. At an ACA meeting, you're basically using language to take those conflicted, complex emotions within you, and expressing them to the outside world. And the power behind saying the words, allow you that distance to put those thoughts out there, and then have the distance to look at it and say, Now, what I said, how I feel, I say what I'm going through, what am I doing for next steps, and I'll be honest with you, I've heard, you know, years of people saying the same story over and over and over again.

And they're not learning, they're making the same mistake, they're making the same mistake with let's say, one boyfriend and ex boyfriend, the other boyfriend after that, and it's just, they keep going for the same type of person. And often, it's, someone's trying to fix something from their past. And so, you know, maybe they're attracted to a boyfriend that had similar behavior characteristics, you know, as their father. And, you know, there's that never got the love from their father when they were a kid. And now they're trying to, you know, fix a boyfriend and the President so that way, there'll be happily ever after. And again, I'm using a very simplistic example, overly, so I'm generalizing. But I have heard stories that, you know, someone would share something.

And then month after month, after a month, it would be very similar. And there wasn't that understanding of, hmm, I keep saying this, or keep doing this same behavior. Why is that? How can I change, and if you're not willing to take that step back, and to kind of look at yourself objectively, then these 12 steps are really not going to be of help to you, because what's going to happen is, you'll go through them, like you're going through, you know, catechism class, when you, you know, for those of us who grew up in, you know, in a Catholic school system, you know, you're basically, you have to memorize things, and prayers, and the commandments and Beatitudes, and all those things. And it's great that you know, those things, but if you're not applying them, in your life, you're not learning. And if you're not learning, how are you going to grow. So, you know, a simple example, when I was younger, you know, I went from, you know, I would find a girl to date, I'd fall madly in love with her. And I think we were gonna get married, and I was gonna live happily ever after. And when problems came up in the relationship, I noticed that they were the same type of problems, there would become a point where, let's say, maybe she would want to be a little bit more distant from me.

And I would freak out thinking that I was going to be abandoned, I was going to be left. And you know, I wasn't going to have someone that loved me. And so I would chase after. And then the more that I would do that, the more that the girl would want to go away, because it's like, give me some space. And, you know, relationship after relationship when I was young, they just fell apart. Because I had no clue what I was doing, I was a mess. What I didn't understand is that it was important for me to learn how one to love myself, to take care of myself, through self parenting, and then to have that opportunity to learn the healthy behaviors on moving forward.

Simple example, when I was younger, and then I did start my early 20s, I started going to therapy, and I've shared part of the story before, went to my first therapist, and he asked me these questions like, every time you're in a situation Thank, you know, is this healthy for me? Is this true? So, you know, let's say I'm remembering a circumstance where after there was a breakup, I was on my own. Let's go to school, I was working. I was sad, I was lonely. I was angry. I was tired. I didn't know what the future was going to bring for me. And so I started taking care of myself. I get home from work, I used to work get home late at night near 10. I was hungry and make a nice healthy meal for myself. I'd watch a little bit of TV, read a little bit book, get some good sleep, and I started creating these healthy patterns. And then started meeting some other friends started hanging out with friends started to then build the boundaries. Do I want to stay in this week and do my own thing you know tonight or do I want to go with friends and ask myself those questions? Is this healthy? healthy for me, is this true? Whatever the circumstances, I also would go to movies by myself go out to eat lunch by myself. And you might say, Well, why did you do these things because I needed for myself, I had to work with myself to understand what my weaknesses were. And I always thought that I was going to be abandoned.

And I was going to be alone. I had to say to myself and learn through the experience of it's okay, if you're by yourself, you're never alone, you always have you, you always have yourself. And if you love yourself, you know, sure, it's great to have companionship. But that doesn't mean you're always going to be alone. You can make new friends, you can volunteer, you can go to ACOA meetings, you could you know, etc, etc. There were different opportunities. Whereas in my mind, in the box, it was, oh, no, this relationship fell apart, it's the end of the world, I'm never going to be happy, I'm never going to get married, I'm never gonna have children, I'm never going to be loved to get bla bla bla bla bla catastrophizing end of the world was me. But through therapy through AC way through the 12 steps surrounding the prayer through self help books, through all kinds of things that I you know, over time,

I learned skills that allowed me to understand, hey, I am lovable, I am worthy, I am going to change unhealthy behaviors, I am going to walk a different path, it took a little while. But that's the path that I chose. So when I look at 12, steps, the 12 step, you know, and sharing that message to others, you know, and practice the principles in our affairs. The practice, I think, is really important. It's like, you put your money where your mouth is, that's what my family used to say. And you know, growing up, like, it's through your example, it's not like you tell somebody, what the steps are, you kind of show through your behavior, you know, how you treat people. So for example, if you hurt somebody, because you did something to them, you know, maybe you had a fight and you said something you regret or whatever, you go through the 12 steps, you realize you need to make an amends, and you make a sincere sincere amend, you talk to that person you share with that person, you know, like, hey, look, I made a mistake.

And, you know, I want to make it up to you, here's what I'm going to do. You know, moving forward, when we get into argument like this, I'm going to blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, you talk it out, and see if the person's willing to accept your forgiveness. So when it comes to this 12 step, I think it's really important that it's kind of show rather than tell the behaviors that we've learned, people are going to notice that you're doing things differently, they're going to notice that your work, they're definitely going to notice within your family, you know, and I'm not saying that you be callous to others. But you may have gone from having no boundaries to now you need to have a little bit of a stronger boundary. And that may take a little while to kind of work out. So you might say no more often in the beginning, as you try to figure out what you want to do. You know, maybe you don't want to go to this family function. You say, no, no, thank you. You know, you don't need to give an excuse. You just say, you know, I have some other plans. No, thank you. And then you take care of yourself, do your own thing. That might seem weird or impossible, depending on your circumstance.

But it is possible. Of course, there are consequences to our actions. You know, taking an extreme example, if your family wants you to come home for Christmas, and you say no, thank you, they might be very upset, not talk to you for a little while. And there might be, you know, conversation in your future that need to kind of talk through. That's a whole other other thing. And then the question is, where is that emotional boundary? You know, are you comfortable that somebody might be angry at you upset at you, you know, or do you fall into a people pleasing pattern, that instead of having anyone upset at you, you would rather just say yes, yes, yes, all the time. So, as you're going through step 12. You know, sharing that message is also through your actions so people can see how you're responding to problems and life problems and work problems within the family.

And then how you are actually practicing, you know, the 12 step principles in everything that you do. You know, that means when you're by yourself and you come up with a problem, how do you handle that? Do you automatically start wearing Do you automatically, you know, fly off the handle, like whatever you're, you know, behavior coping mechanism was, and if it was unhealthy, filter it through the 12 steps and see if there's another path another way again, could be a combination of work in the 12 steps, journal writing, therapy, yoga, meditation, a COA meetings, etc, there's a bunch of different paths, it doesn't necessarily mean there's one path, it doesn't necessarily mean there's only one tool, it means you might take several different tools. And it might take several different years to really start seeing some change on this journey.

And when I when I say that, I remember when I first heard that, and I did feel demoralized. I was like, Oh, God, I want things to be better now. And when I guess I didn't understand is like things do get better, fairly quickly, within the first like, couple weeks going to a COA meetings, because you're opening your mind up to different, you know, opportunities, you're meeting new people, if you go to the meetings, if you're reading through the books, you know, the steps, the literature, and then do journal writing, you're taking the time to process your feelings. So it can be a little bumpy in the beginning as you try to get your way because you're trying to figure out what's working, what's not working, you know, but again, that's like saying, your your, I don't know learning another language, you don't typically learn that in a couple days. It takes time, it could take years, you know, it takes time to study, that's not a bad thing. That's actually a good thing. Meaning, it's a life long journey. It's not a you, you know, you do this thing once and then you're whatever, perfect forever that that's not who we are as people. We make mistakes every day. The question is, what are you going to do about those mistakes? How are you going to act after you've made a mistake?

And the 12 steps give you that guidance, to help you get on your way of healthy behaviors, accepting that you made a mistake, you fell down, you get back up? What are you going to do? Give up, change, move on? The choice is yours. And there's not necessarily a one right answer. You know, so when it comes to the 12 step, you know, you might look at this and say, Oh, well, this is an easy one, it could be a little bit more complicated when you look at it from a different perspective. Because practicing the principles and all your affairs means you're not like some people do you go to church once on a Sunday.

And then soon as you leave the church, you forget everything that you ever were religious about. And then you know, you just act whatever through the course of the week. The 12 steps is basically saying what you learn here. Apply this to everything you do in life, you know, learn from what you can, and then apply it so you can live and thrive in a healthy way. You're not falsifying you're not pretending you're literally changing your behaviors from these unhealthy behaviors that you learned, you know, as a kid into healthy ones so that you can thrive. That's gonna take time, and that's okay. So, again, thank you for listening to this podcast. I appreciate it. If you would like to learn more visit, let go and be free.com. If you haven't picked up one of the four books, the let go and be free books. They're available on Amazon, Barnes and Noble, Kobo, Google. Just google me and my name Ron Vitale.

Like don't be free, and you'll see a bunch of things come up, you know, in Google. So, next week, we'll start off with something else. I need a little bit of time to think what my next topic will be. But, you know, for now, I hope that this discussion of the 12 step has been helpful for you. Again, if you need more help, please, I am not a doctor, speak to a professional that could open up great opportunities for you if you allow yourself the willingness to heal. So thank you again for listening. And, as always, be well.

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