Let Go and Be Free Podcast: Episode 42 (Exploring Step 4 of the Twelve Steps of Adult Children of Alcoholics)

In today's episode, I discuss the fourth step from Adult Children of Alcoholics & Dysfunctional Families World Service Organization's 12 Steps.

Step 4: Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

This step does not mean being hard on yourself. Internalizing all our faults and feeling trapped in how to change those behaviors that we know are dysfunctional is not helpful. What is helpful is to set the stage for growth by becoming aware of our faults.

It's important to reflect on mistakes we have made or are still making.

The purpose of this step is to identify unhealthy/dysfunctional behaviors, and then learn how to grow beyond them so that we're not stuck in the past.

When we reflect daily on our behaviors, we create a natural check in with ourselves.

The Platinum rule:  "Treat others the way they want to be treated."

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Transcript

Welcome to the Let Go and Be Free podcast, a podcast for those who grew up in an alcoholic or dysfunctional family. I'm your host, Ron Vitale, author of the Let Go and Be Free: 100 Daily Reflections for Adult Children of Alcoholics series. If you'd like to learn more, feel free to visit, letgoandbefree.com. And with that, let's get on with the show.

And welcome to the show. For this week, we are going to focus on step four of the 12 steps. And if you haven't read, I should say, if you haven't listened to the past several podcast, I would recommend that you go back, take a look at step one, step two, step three. And then step down, we're going through step four.

And I hope that this, this series of going each week, through the various 12 steps will be helpful to you. I know that as I've gone through, you know, in my life, I've spent time reflecting each day on the 12 steps, something that I've just kind of worked into my daily routine. And when I wake up, you know, I lay in bed for a bit. And I will say, you know, in my head, the 12 steps, and just quickly do a, like a check in with myself. So I can kind of reflect on, you know, various steps of like, oh, you know, maybe I need to focus on this today or that today or just to be mindful, you know, of the steps, and then of my behavior through the course of the day. If I'm very stressed out, it's very difficult to remember to do that. But I do find it to be helpful to set a certain amount of time, you know, each day for me, because I do it, you know, when I first wake up, it just become a habit. And it's part of my you know, again, my daily routine. So no matter if you want to follow the 12 steps, or you decide the 12 steps are not for you.

I do believe that there are at least pieces, the tenets of the steps are helpful. I especially think step four, is extremely helpful, at least to me when I've seen others and talk to others when I've gone to a COA meetings. So let's start off with a very simple let me read what the step is, again, I like to read it twice. So step four, made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. Again, I'll read that again. Step four, made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. Now, I took this step off of the official adult children.org website. It's in the literature section under steps on the site. However, my memory of the step is make a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves more, like do it now kind of thing. But they have it listed as made, you know, kinda like, I guess past tense, you've done it.

I like it more in the present tense saying make it because it helps me reflect like made makes it sound like you do it once. You're good. Check. I did it, I never have to do it again. I don't believe that's their intention. But when it's put in the past tense like that, it does make it seem that you only do this once, and then you're you're done and over with it. However, on the other side of the coin, you know, the purpose of this step, you know, it's not meant for us to be down on ourselves. You know, if we were to reflect and start internalizing, you know, all our faults, all the challenges we have, I can see how that could, you know, make a person feel trapped, because they're trying to figure out well, how do I change all these behaviors? How do I become a better person? I learned all these dysfunctional, dysfunctional behaviors when I was a kid. I don't know, what is the right path, I feel trapped. I feel confused. You know, and I can see how that could be extremely overwhelming.

You know, you sit down and you're reflecting you say, well look at all these wonderful things that I do wrong. And then you kind of pick it them. And before you know it, you're kind of stuck in a in a circle of condemnation of yourself. And I don't think that that's is very helpful. But what I do think is helpful is that when you do this searching, and fearless moral inventory of yourself that it helps set set the stage for growth, you know, becoming aware of your faults is a step in the right direction to then say, okay, I know the things, here are my quirks here, my dysfunctional behaviors, here are the things that I can do that I like to change. Because I'll have better interactions with people, I feel more confident about myself.

So you're setting that groundwork, so that you can move forward and learn the skills on how to be someone in, I guess, a healthier behavior pattern. And I want to want to stop for a second. I'm not saying that we are broken people. I'm not saying that. We hear all the things that are wrong with us, and we're bad. And, you know, we need to do these things to become better. What I am saying is, I believe that each of us, we're all, you know, to be loved, we're worthy of love. We are good people. But we do bad things we have, like any person quirks.

And we've learned things as children that have helped us survive. But now as we're adults, we can't use the same coping mechanisms to move forward in life. If we do, we will be trapped. So I tried to think of a, you know, simple example here. If I grew up in a family in which when there's arguments, the person who yelled the loudest wins, if I take that same behavior, and then apply it in my modern, you know, relationships, where I am today, currently, I'm going to alienate the people around me. yelling and screaming can also be a good defensive mechanism, you know, you put on a strong defense, so that you're, you know, you get this thick skin, nobody can hurt you.

You're on your own island. And the problems, you know, that I grew up with as a kid, I could protect myself by wearing armor. I think that's a nice solid example. So if I go about my day, and I get into arguments with, let's say, people at work, or you know, my spouse, or friends, and I'm always like, putting my armor on, you know, always like pushing back and yelling and screaming. And, you know, obviously, I'm exaggerating this example. But you can see that, that's going to make me a very lonely person, and no one's going to want to truly be my friend. And they're not going to want to work with me, and you know, my job, my spouse is probably not going to want to be with me, nor would my kids.

Again, an extreme example, something that may have helped us, you know, in the past, may not necessarily be good for us in the present. In the same example, let's say I grew up in a dysfunctional family, in which there was lots of yelling and screaming and arguments and such, to withdraw. And then to go within oneself, and shut out one's emotions, that also can become a dysfunctional set of behaviors, in which anytime you get into an argument, let's say you're at work, and something isn't going your way, you shut down, and you become quiet.

And you're in a room full of people. And you know, the, let's say, the boss, let's say she's saying, Does anybody have any questions? Are there any opposing views of what we need to do? And if you're like, angry and frustrated, and the way you deal with that is by just withdrawing and shutting off and distancing yourself from the project, that's not going to benefit. You know, let's say your team. It's not going to benefit you and doing your best at your job. You know, same thing if you're at work. If someone needs to talk with you about a difficult circumstance, and you shut down and withdraw. And you say things such as, like, I can't talk now. I'm too busy or we'll talk later and you never get to later and you keep withdrawing and pushing off. You're not going to find ways to be able to solve any problems, you're going to be constantly running away from things. Again, a very common example. So as you go through your day, and you're looking at your behaviors, how do you act? Or do you react when a problem comes up, you know, doing this searching and fearless moral inventory.

And I think the word moral is extremely interesting, because I think, especially in today's day and age, that's such a polarizing word, because something that one group or one set of people might think is moral, you know, another group I think, is immoral. So, what, what have you done that you think is immoral? You know, have you done XYZ, whatever that is, reflect on that. And the fact that it's, you're being asked to do a searching and fearless moral inventory, meaning really kind of spend time and reflect on your behaviors, and say, Oh, well, I've done XYZ, some people have, you know, written lists down, some people journal and like to write down, you know, these are the things that they've done. And this is all building for future steps.

So, if you become aware of your dysfunctional behaviors, and things, like let's say, you're always withdrawing, or you're always putting on this strong defense and yelling back at people, you know, instead of allowing yourself to be vulnerable, and having an intimate moment with, let's say, a spouse to say, you know, the reason why I am so angry and upset is because I'm scared, you know, I'm scared of our financial situation. I'm scared that, you know, if all these things fall through, we're not going to be able to pay the bills, you know, and take care of the kids and those kind of honest conversations. Whereas if you were to not to share that with your spouse, and simply, you know, burst out like, well, you've lost your job, and what are we going to do, and it's all your fault, and blah, blah, blah, blah, or flip it the other way of like, well, I've lost my job, and I've worked so hard, I'm trying to do my best stop, you know, pick it on me and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, you know, and then escalating things, again, the put on that strong defense shields you and gives you the armor to maybe get through the particular difficult situation, but it's not going to, it's not going to help you solve the problem.

You know, at the end of the day, you're still going to be, you know, trying to figure out like, what are you going to do as a couple to solve the current situation of being out of a job, and let's say you have bills to pay, you know, in that circumstance, sure, you might need some time to, you know, process what you've gone through, and either you've lost your job or your spouse lost your job or whatever the circumstances, but at some point, coming together and sitting down and having a productive conversation, and admitting how you feel and listening to how your spouse spouse feels. And then together, giving yourself each of you the room to discuss some ideas on what what the plan is, like, are you cutting costs? Do you need to sell a house, you're gonna move in with someone, you're gonna go on unemployment? Do you have savings, like, you know, again, I'm just using a common example. But something that allows you to work out the problem with someone else, instead of, let's say, avoidance. And this is just again, an example.

When you do your own fearless moral inventory. You know, you might find, oh, maybe I'm the person that's always gossiping, or I'm talking bad about someone behind their back. I want to get back at them, instead of me, confronting them and in saying, you know, look, I don't like how you treated me and trying to resolve a problem with someone, you know, you kind of go the back route. And by doing that, you think you're getting the better of that person. But what you're really doing is just sowing mistrust. Because anybody hears those stories from you knows that you're a person not to be trusted. But what's going to happen is anytime a problem comes up, you're going to be the person that's going to, you know, basically do the same thing about that other person to others.

You know, and I, I always like to go back And think of, you know, how do we like to be treated, you know, how, you know, if I'm in a circumstance, I don't want someone to talk about me behind my back, you know, I don't want to be in a situation where, you know, I'm treated, you know, a certain way, I want to be treated with dignity, with respect, fairness, with compassion, and empathy. When when I think about that, I like to look at those around me, and, you know, have the same, the same type of respect for others. And I just think that that in today's world, is just kind of missing. I don't know how else to just say that except often, in, in the culture that we live in now. It's the me, you know, me economy, the me world, you know, I want this, I need this, I only care about me, me, me, me, me.

Often, though, growing up, you know, in an addicted, or dysfunctional family, we're often the martyrs we like to see ourselves is that we take on the responsibility of the parents, that they should have been doing their job as parents, but instead, what happened is we we took that role on, and we never spent the time, you know, to be children, we grew up too fast. We didn't learn certain socialization skills, because we were too busy, you know, acting like an adult, you know, holding the fort down, while our parents were going through whatever hell they were going through. So to take a moment, just to kind of step back for a second, I just was trying to quickly Google while I was talking, probably here, I was stumbling there for a little bit. The golden rule I had mentioned is, you know, do unto others, as you'd have them do unto you. But there's also been discussion I came across this a few years ago of the platinum rule.

And I really have thought about this. Because I have to say, I think I like it better. So in the Golden Rule, do unto others, as you'd have them do unto you. But the platinum rule is, do you want to others as they'd want done unto them. So for example, if I'm treating if I like to be treated a certain way, and I try to treat somebody else that exact same way, that person may not want to be treated that way, the way I want to be treated, but the platinum rule says, treat them the way they want to be treated. And that adds a layer of empathy and compassion, to how are we interact with others, instead of imposing our will, on somebody else, and being like, well, I like to be treated this way.

So I'm going to treat you that way. This is being ICs. Being more using your EQ your emotional quotient, instead of your IQ, your intelligence, intelligence quotient, the EQ is being perceptive enough to learn how somebody else wishes to be treated, and then respectfully treat them that way. And example, if you are, you know, come upon someone who is struggling with a problem. And maybe you like to have someone come up and give you advice and, you know, help you out. If you apply that same behavior to others, and you're going to tell them what you think they need to solve their problems and talk with them.

Maybe the person only simply wants to be listened to, and no advice back. You know, and that's something that when we do that fearless, moral inventory of ourselves, that's where we can reflect of how do we interact with people? I always think that's a good place to start. You know, are we always, you know, for me with the mansplaining you know, am I always trying to tell a woman like, well, this is what I would do and bla bla bla bla bla, you know, or am I, you know, interacting with my children and being like, well, you should do this because when I was young, I did XYZ. And I had had an interesting experience. It was driving my teenage daughter to work one day, and she had, you know, been going through some some difficult times. And I knew that and we had a ride, you know, 3040 minute ride together. So I thought I would tell her, you know, some of my difficult struggles that I had gone through recently. And my intention was to find empathy by saying, I can relate to what you're going through. You know, I've also been going through some difficult things, and here's what I'm going through.

I'm here for you, you know, no matter what, and even though I am, you know, an adult, I still go through difficult things, too. And here's what I found, it's helpful for me, not sure if it's going to be helpful for you. But at the end of the conversation, I thought I'd done it as you know, amazing job as a parent. Later in the day, what I found out was, she heard it as dad just basically complained the whole time of like, the problems that he has in his life. And I was kind of shocked by that, because that wasn't my intention. But that's how I was heard. And I kind of felt bad about that. Because I was like, Oh, that's not what I was trying to do. But but, you know, that's what she heard. So, you know, next time when we were in the car together, you know, I kind of flipped things and asked if she wanted to talk.

And if she said, No, I respect that, that simply said, if you ever wanted to talk, I'm here to listen. And I could just shut up and not judge, but just to listen. And then our conversation just naturally flowed in a different path. And so I was able to modulate and like, maybe maybe that didn't work out so well, in the past the way I, you know, the way I was, was talking with her, maybe I need to be more in listening mode. And that's the point of what I'm trying to learn. You know, as I'm on this journey with the 12 steps, I want to have like a check in with myself and be like, Wow, that did not go as high intended, whatever the situation could be a situation at work, what could I do better or different next time, if what I thought would work didn't work. And then also, not to be hard on myself and be like, Oh, I keep doing the same problem again, and again.

And oh, woe is me, that just traps us, you know, and basically, it traps us in the behavior of like, when we were children, and felt powerless. And our parents were going through trying to struggle with whatever addiction or whatever else was going on in, you know, in the family, and then we suffered. And then how, how did we deal with those problems? And now that we're older, if we just keep getting ourselves stuck, we're never going to get out of that rut. Whereas if we're aware of that, and be like, oh, man, every time I have a problem, I just complain, but I don't, I don't take steps to solve the problem. You know, what can I do differently? What can I do to solve the problem, you know, that sets us on a different path, a path, a path of healing, a path of possibilities, a path of growth. So with this step, he can be a difficult one. And I think there's a healthy balance between doing too little work here.

And doing too much, you know, that gradient scale is going to be different for each person. And that's why I like to look at this as, keep it more in the present, make rather than made. Not saying that you have to do this every day. But, you know, through the course of a week, a week is a long amount of time. I do think reflecting once or twice a week is a positive way for us to have that natural check in with ourselves. Like Well, here's, here's where I'm at right now.

And so when you have that time to look and reflect, what are you feeling? What do you think are your you know, I guess we'll just say, you know, moral failings? Are you lying? Are you, you know, gossiping? Are you yelling? Are you cheating? Are you drinking too much? Have you cut off people out of your life and you refuse to at least put a olive branch out to to hear what they have to say? Or is it the opposite? Are you so enmeshed with somebody else's life that you're trying to live that life for them or save them? I mean, all of us are going through different circumstances. I'm just listing some of the, you know, high level ideas to kind of think of yourself of like, might be good if you're keeping a journal to reflect on who do you interact With each day, and when you do have problems with that person, how does that play out?

You know, how do you actually solve the problem, or to or problems never resolved and you keep, you know, you fight you argue the problems dropped, excuse me, and then you come back. Fight again months later and it's the same damn problem, and you can never overcome it. Why is that? What can you do differently on your side? Do you need to listen more? Do you stand need to stand up more for yourself? Like what?

What is that what will help you move forward and clear the blockage, clear the path. So that there could be either healing or reconciliation, or resolution, you know, more intimacy, become happier, more loving, you know, caring, empathy. So there are the things that I like to, you know, reflect on this step. It's really important for me, I don't want to go through life being right. You know, like, I'm always right. And that's, I just don't, I've had I've interacted with people like that, and it's so draining. It's like none of us are, you know, always right, we're human, we make mistakes. And I do believe that when you make a mistake, you own up to the mistake.

And then you work on, you know, applying skills that you have learned to resolve that in the future, being open to other paths, instead of falling into habitual grooves have similar dysfunctional behavior patterns. So the next time you're in an argument, and you want to blow up at somebody, you might simply say, Look, I'm getting to my limit here, I need 15 minutes, I'm gonna go take a walk, I'm gonna think about this for 15 minutes to my head, and then I'm going to come back. And then, you know, we need to have rules of engagement. So we don't yell at each other. You know, I will listen. And you will say what you think. And then I will truly listen. And at that point, I ask you allow me to speak, and truly listen. And then we will kind of come together and solve the problem, like some solutions.

And if we can't solve it today, we might need to table it. But then we're going to say, Tomorrow, we're going to come back and discuss this. And we will then do we need to compromise is one person need to compromise is the other person need to compromise? Is it a situation where there is no compromise and that, you know, both parties feel that they're going to lose something? You know, these are the complexities of relationships, and how you can have things resolved. But having this reflection on how you deal with people, and how you solve problems with those people, I think is extremely helpful. And some of this to, you know, when you're going through the list of people, that you're saying, Oh, well, here's, here's how I act with these people. Don't forget to put yourself how do you treat yourself?

You know, are you always sacrificing for others? Are you making time for yourself? You know, that could be one of your moral failings, you're not gardening, your interior world, you're focusing so much on cleaning the house, doing the job taking care of the kids, like, whatever your list of things are to do, that you're not spending the time to help yourself, to have reflection time, at can be someplace something as simple as you want to read a book, you want to go for a walk with a garden, you want to go spend some time with friends, go to a museum, whatever it is for you. But, um, I found again, that many who grew up in addicted, dysfunctional family took on this hyper responsibility mode that we carry on our shoulders through the course of our lives.

And we aren't making the time for ourselves to just have fun. You know, like, at the end of our lives, you know, we're all going to end we're all going to get to the point where we're gonna die. And when you get to that moment, I'm gonna look back and be like, Wow, I remember the sunrises. You know, that I saw the times I laughed with my kids, or did something goofy, or the times that my, you know, took I reached out and held my wife's hand like, like, they're the things that I'm going to remember. I'm not going to remember the I solve the problem at work and you know, I worked 80 hours like I'm not going to remember that. I you know, I'm gonna remember some of the more personal and intimate moments that you know, I have the of this web of life that I am working, you know, in weaving and creating this strong bonds among those that I interact with, I mean, that's what I want to be known for how they communicate, was actually a good person in in, you know, helping others and listening to others.

And being a good friend, a good father, a good husband, like, was a good to myself. Like, that's what I think is really important. And I want to bake that into this step, please remember yourself. So it ended there with this episode, I hope that this has been helpful for you as you're going on this journey with me through the 12 steps. Again, if you do, like what you're hearing here, please like it on iTunes or Spotify or Google or wherever else you're listening to this podcast, I would appreciate that. And again, if you want to learn more, you can visit let go and be free.com. You know, all the podcasts are there. Links, the for reflection books, like go and be free books I have written are there. There's tons of resources, you know, like 300 Plus posts in the blog section. So all kinds of great stuff for you. So again, thank you so much for taking the time to listen to me. I appreciate it. And I hope that this step again, you are doing that fear of fearless moral inventory, but at the same time you're giving yourself the space to grow and not to really be too hard on yourself. So until next time, thank you again and be well.

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