Let Go and Be Free Podcast: Episode 33 (Do You Deserve to Be Happy?)

When asked if you deserve to be happy, how do you answer that question?

Do you fear that you're not good enough or don't deserve to be happy? Or are you afraid that if you find happiness, that it'll be taken away from you?

In this episode, I share my own personal experiences and discuss various techniques on how you can feel more confident in embracing happiness.

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Transcript

Welcome to the let go and be free podcast, A podcast for those who grew up in an alcoholic or dysfunctional family. I'm your host, Ron Vitale, author of The let go and be free 100 daily reflections for adult children of alcoholics series. If you'd like to learn more, feel free to visit, let go and be free.com. And with that, let's get on with the show. Welcome to this week's episode, the title that I came up with, do you deserve to be happy? It's a little bit of a trick question. I'm wondering how did you answer that question? Did you answer the question that, yes, you deserve to be happy?

And you believe that? Did you question it yourself and say, I don't know, maybe I don't deserve to be happy? Or did you fall into the camp in which you, you just truly believe you don't deserve to be happy that the world is just out to get you. I'm hoping that through the course of this episode, we'll go through, you know, the various ways that you can settle within yourself, find that strength, find that understanding, and come to terms with knowing and believing that you do deserve to be happy. So I want to start off with a quote.

I don't fall into the camp of believing all that Marianne Williamson says, and I think if we look back, I think she ran for president even back in. I think it was like 2015 2016 for the US presidential election. She is a like a spiritualist. You know, I came across her back in the early 90s. When I was I think I was still in college or going into grad school. And there was a book that she had written and there was a quote that I stumbled upon, and I'm gonna read that quote now. And the quote is, it is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us, we ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous, actually, who are you not to be. So I remember coming across that quote. And if you look up the rest of it again, her name is Marianne Williamson, some of you have probably heard of her. Some of you who may be on the younger side may have no idea who she is.

Again, I think she, you know, over the decades since I first stumbled upon her, in my personal opinion, she's fallen more into the area camp that I just kind of distanced myself from, because she has said some things about anti vaccination, which I am pro science pro vaccination. You know, if you disbelieve that, that's your decision, but for myself and my, my family, you know, I fall into the pro science camp.

So I remember coming across her quote, and if you continue reading it, she goes on talks about God and how God you know, once you to be happy once you to find yourself and you know, find this light within you and she equates that light with God and, you know, goes down that path that didn't have that didn't bother me. But some of the more controversial things she has said over the years, I I've kind of shied away from but taking this one quote about her, I think really matches well with do us deserve to be happy. Because a lot of us, you know, there's that mix of we grew up in a dysfunctional or, you know, addiction within the household. There were many things that we struggled with many things that we look around at life and be like, I just want to be normal. I don't understand why I don't fit in. Why am I different? Why do I look at other families and see how they're happy? Or they're doing things? Quote, unquote, right? The challenge is always it's a lot easier to look on the outside at somebody else's family in somebody else's situation and think, you know, the whole situation, the whole, you know, shebang, whereas you're probably only getting the surface aspect of things.

Every family has its own complexities and struggles. What you're able to see On the outside, some masks their pain. Some might seem like they are the most wholesome and happiest families, but have the deepest and darkest secrets. So keep that in perspective. But to get back to the point, I, myself, you know, have grown up and have thought, what, why are things not normal? Like for my family and myself? Like, I don't understand why are things different? Why don't I seem to fit in places? Why do I not understand certain things that everybody else seems to understand.

And a lot of it, you know, was just the way I was raised in, if there is that, you know, dysfunction that's like, really tearing at your family, there's codependency there's a Nash measurement, there's like, for me dealing with, like, abandonment, issues of just like not understanding of like, the primary person, you know, you have your parents, you know, you've got your father, you got your mother, you can have two mothers, you got two fathers. But in my case, my father and my mother, my father, basically, you know, went through his struggles, my mom and father divorced. And I didn't really see much my father that did not have a strong male influence in which I knew that he was my father, and would help me get through life, my mother took on the responsibility of mothering and fathering, and then share that responsibility with my grandfather.

And so I look at that. And there were just some, you know, basic things that I just didn't understand. It could be societal, you know, I just didn't understand or, you know, how, quote, unquote, American men are supposed to fit in society. You know, I was raised by my mother who wasn't a man. So she didn't understand certain things. And my grandfather was from a different generation. So a lot of what I learned just was different. And, you know, I'd see other fathers, and I'd be like, well, they're doing these things. Is that right? Is it healthy? Is it? Why am I not doing those things? Like, there's just a lot of things I did not understand. So, in my perspective, I just grew up feeling that I was missing something important that I hadn't gone school, I can learn these really key life lessons. I just was clueless about that. And I always wondered, you know, where would I find love? How would I get by?

You know, did I deserve to find someone to, you know, be with? Or was I somehow broken, or somehow wrong, or somehow missing a key piece of myself, some of this might resonate with you some of it, you, you might be looking at it from a different perspective, you know, maybe your reasons for why you don't feel like you deserve to be happy. You know, maybe you took on some of the characteristics of the addiction, or alcoholics in your family, you know, maybe you struggle with substances. But I guess, you know, since I can't speak to everyone's individual circumstance, I can speak of my own. And hopefully, the universality of what I share will help inspire you to think and question and say, Well, when I hear the question, Do I deserve to be happy?

What is the answer that you get for you? And why is that? So? You know, for me, I look at it and I remember, I just wanted to take up a small amount of space as possible, I want it to go unseen and unheard. Now, you might ask, like, why, why would he want to do that. And I just remember growing up, I wanted to be away from the chaos and away from the problems and the hurt and everything that was going on in the primary family, the my father and mother relationship. And then later on when my mom got remarried, I also when problems started happening, and that the second marriage and then my mom divorced the second time, I wanted the same thing. I just wanted to be away from that circumstance.

And I've shared this story before on the podcast. When I was in college, I had taken a I think it was like interpersonal communications class. And the teacher had asked us all to act out act strange, like walk around in class, wait my arms. Somebody else was making weird noises somebody else was spinning in a circle and She said, You know, everybody do that in class. And so we started doing that. And when I saw all this chaos, my natural instinct was to walk away go toward the window, and she stopped the class. And she said, look, look with this, you know, our classmate Ron is doing. And she said, Some people want to run away from this chaos, or others try to fix it, or, you know, try to be around it. And, you know, and adapt to it. And for, for me, I want it to be that small, unseen, unheard person, because I didn't want to rock the boat, I didn't want to have any of the chaos that was taking place within the family unit to be focused on me.

And I look at, you know, the history and I have to ask the question, I know that from a writing perspective, like, why do I love to write is because I can escape, I can, I can dream up things, and I can pretend that I am characters or initiate these amazing worlds, like, I could use fantasy or science fiction, or whatever I can dream up as a world building creation to, to make myself be able to travel into and avoid any of the difficulties, complexities that are happening in the family unit around me. I mean, that's some of my earliest stories, I just found such a joy in being able to write, being able to imagine characters and, you know, let them be the heroes. And I think of that, and part of me, you know, as I grew older, it wasn't just to escape. But it was a way, you know, writing was a way to use language, to convey a message of hope.

And I, you know, done my master's thesis on this, when I was in graduate school, that people use stories, to heal themselves. And for me, that was how I was able to take the concepts in my head, translate them into the best I could, the language that I had, and then just share that with the world, for better or for worse. And you might ask yourself, Well, Ron, you know, I thought you just said you wanted to take up small space, go on scene, and here you are, you want to be a writer and write things, but I always looked at it as it was, like a sneaky thing. Like, I could write something, and get it out in the world and go about my business. And this, this life, outside of me, of this written piece became something that could, you know, help others.

And for me, I could go, you know, remain hidden and unseen. and do my own thing. It was like, I could birth the creation, and then launch it out into the world, and then go back into my hiding, you know, spot and go do something else. Now, you might ask, and say, Well, why? Why did he feel that way? And I'll, you know, be honest, and that for me, because, you know, one of my deepest damage within me is that I have always wanted, you know, to have a father that was there, that would teach me how to play ball, I'd be able to go on a bike ride with, he would teach me how to ride a bike, we'd go to baseball games together.

Now. You know, thankfully, my, my grandfather was able to do some of those things, and be there for me. But he, he couldn't do everything in the sense like, you know, be my father because I knew deep down that he wasn't, and he did the best that he could, you know, by the time, you know, I was in his life. He was like, you know, in his 60s, so he couldn't physically do some of the things that he might want to because he was older. You know, as opposed to, you know, with my father, he was in, you know, he would have been in his what, late 20s. You know, by the time I was like, five, so, I look at that.

And I look back, and for me, it's always been that fear of abandonment and fear of connection. If I meet someone, and I feel that there's like this connection with the person, initially, I'm hesitant, because the first thought, you know, go through my brain of like, Oh, if I really show this person who I am, I'm going to get hurt because they're going to abandon me. They're going to hurt me. And it's taken therapy and adult children of alcoholics meetings and, you know, self help reading meditation for me to hear that voice.

And then the question is, say, is that really true? Like, what if I always blocked myself out? What if I'm always afraid that I'm going to get hurt, I'm never going to find, you know, true intimacy, true connection with people, I'm going to be, you know, that small space, you know, go unseen, being heard. And, you know, the child voice in me says, well, that's okay. Because then you'll never get hurt. And all you need is yourself, and you'll be fine. But the reality is, is that, you know, as a person, to be able to grow, to be able to live in the world, you know, I need to interact with coworkers, I need to interact with family members need to interact with strangers, I need to interact with those that I love.

And if I were to block myself off with love, then what would I really have in life, like, what would be the purpose of me doing anything if I just blocked myself off, because I want to be this impenetrable wall? Because I never want to get hurt. So going back to the Marianne Williamson quote, of, you know, it's not just the darkness, it's the light is really resonates with me of what if I were to find this great love? What if, you know, I allow myself to have true connection with people. And then you know that, that fear of that translates into, I don't want to be heard, I don't want to be abandoned. I don't want to be laughed at, I don't want to be, you know, scoffed at because, oh, he grew up and look at his family situation. And he doesn't know anything. Like there are the fears that I remember, as a little kid, that kind of set the foundation for me. So when it came to do I deserve to be happy, you know, over the course of time, and again, therapy and a lot of self work. Yes, I know, I do deserve that. And so I, I spin that question around to you.

And then ask, why would you deserve? Like, why wouldn't you deserve to be happy? What are the things that are holding you back? That you question yourself? You know, maybe some of you can identify with that fear of abandonment? You know, maybe some of you just think you're not good enough. Or you don't deserve to be happy, because maybe something you did in the past. And you you're desperately trying to make amends or atonement for something that you did that you can't go back and fix. What is that? How do you forgive yourself? How do others forgive you?

Some of you might think that you're just cursed, you know that you're unlucky, or that you're just unwise, you didn't have the kind of upbringing or education, and that you just don't have the life skills, you don't know where to turn, you don't know how to overcome this unseen incident set of experiences that happen to you that you can't put a name to that you can't wrap your mind around, that you've been struggling and trying to figure out what is wrong? How do you find a way to come above that? And you know, at the end of the day, and you take a step back, and you could put a name on it, you know, maybe it was alcoholism in the family.

Maybe it was physical abuse. It was some other type of like, emotional abuse or combination of a bunch of different things. When you look at that, and see how those early experiences shaped you and how you are now. So when you are in a circumstance and a problem comes up, how do you react? You know, do you recoil, like a like a turtle put your head back into your shell? And Hi, do you lash out? Like what are your coping mechanisms? And how have those coping mechanisms over the years over the decades, evolved in a way that they're now the shell, and it protects you? So that way, you know, when you think about, do you deserve to be happy?

Maybe again, it isn't that the darkness that you're afraid of? It's the light of like, what if you allow yourself to be happy? What next? You know what would then happen? And it could be you're afraid of getting hurt. You're afraid that you're not good enough. You're afraid that people might see you as quote unquote, the true you and that you just don't believe in yourself and your ability. These are very common faults. experiences for those of us that grew up, you know, an adult children of alcoholics, you know, that family in which a parental, you know, our father and mother, whomever we were raised by, was an alcoholic, or had some other type of addiction.

And we grew up in this dysfunction, that there are these key elements that we feel like we're missing, you know, we look at our, you know, our makeup. And it's not, you know, necessarily a physical thing, it's more of an emotional, you know, understanding of how we go about, you know, with the world. And those complexities take time, one, you got to recognize them. And then you have to define them, you've got to put words to them. Words, hold power, knowledge is power. And when I say knowledge, it doesn't mean just like book smarts, it's not that you have to be great in physics, it's, you have to become knowledgeable in the understanding of the emotional turmoil and complexities of those experiences that happened to you when you were younger, and what they shaped you to be.

So that your story, the words that you use, that you use to tell, then become the key, then unlock the future for you. So then you can say, wait a minute, I now understand, this is why I feel that I don't deserve to be happy, you can put a name to it. And once you can name your fear, you can overcome your fear, because then you realize what you're dealing with. If you don't do that, then you could always be in the unknown. The, I want to just hide away.

And I want to face some of these challenges, these difficulties. So I've said this before, you know, modern society, we want everything at the snap of a finger, you know, and much of it, we can from our phone, we could transfer money, we could, you know, see a video live stream across from 1000s of miles away. We could get millions of songs at our fingertips, we could see hundreds of 1000s of influencers, and what wonderful lives they have all these things that, you know, literally in the palm of our hand at the fraction of a second. But question is, though, we think we can have everything that we want, how many people are truly happy with everything that people have gone through over the last two plus years with the pandemic struggles that people are having with the economy with inflation, with turmoil with war, we ask ourselves, why are we not happy? If we have all these things in the palm of our hand that we could be able to, you know, get instantly. You know, I like in it as the physical things around us. You know, they're just these materialistic things.

If we're not focusing on, like the innards, you know, if we ever use a car analogy, we can have a brand new car. But if the engine, you know, the transmission of all the pieces inside are not going to work, it doesn't matter how beautiful the car is on the outside, it's not gonna run, not going to take us from point A to point B. For ourselves, we could be the most, you know, buffed up strong, go to the gym, and all these things.

But if we've not had a healthy balance of, you know, course, we want to take care of her body eating right, you know, exercise, but it's the mind also as well. You know, if we grew up with all these things, have we face them? Have we discussed them? Have we talked about them? Have we written about them? Have we looked at that at the deepest, darkest moment when you're alone, and you wake up in the middle of night? And that fear comes over you and your life? And you say, Where do I go from here? Some of us might say, God, why me? Why is this happening?

How do I overcome this? Well, the answer is, you can't just, you know, snap a finger and get you know, boom. Oh, problem solved. That's that's unfortunately, it's not how it works. It takes time. It takes effort. It takes the realization, the acceptance, the understanding of Wait a minute, this is where I'm at, what do I feel? And it could be that simple question that you ask. Do I deserve to be happy? How do you To answer that, and then that will bring you on this journey on you questioning yourself, and then saying yes or no, and why? And you might say, Yes, of course, I deserve to be happy, but the world is against me and all this. What I'm asking you to do is to do that self assessment, and figure out, why have you come to listen to this podcast?

You know, if you identify with having grown up in a dysfunctional family, where there was addiction or alcoholism, you know, one of those struggles in your family? How have you dealt with that? Have you gone to therapy, have you done the self work, to be able to move forward? Can you name the things that hurt you, and admit to them to yourself, and eventually to a trusted person, again, a therapist or, you know, your spouse, or best friend, or whomever we need to own what we have lived through. It took me many, many, many, many years, I tried so hard to cut all those past memories out of me to hate the anger, the fear, just thought if I could just rip them out and toss them to the side, that I would be a better person.

But what I needed to do, and as new agey, and as weird as it might sound, is I had to come to terms with that part of myself, I had to accept that part of me, I had to go back in my mind, close my eyes and think, when all those things happened when I was kid, what if I could go back now, as an adult, hold that kid and say, I am here for you. You deserve to be loved, you are not abandoned, you are here, and you have the strength, you have the knowledge, you have the self power, to be able to move forward and to thrive.

And I think part of me, you know, when I stumbled upon the ability to be able to write, you know, and write fiction, that was this unconscious way for me to create these characters. Whereas those heroes could do things that I didn't identify it with. And I was one of the younger me to be able to feel, you know, to be the hero to be loved to be the good one. You know, that kind of stuff. So I share this all with you with this podcast in the hope that you can take what I've shared, and then look at it from a different perspective, from your own experiences your own life. And then ask yourself the question, Do I deserve to be happy? And when you get that answer, that will kind of kick things off. So that you can move forward on your journey on your next step to where you want to be to get to that place of happiness, and being able to say look yourself in the mirror and saying, I am lovable. I love myself, I am confident with myself, accept and embrace all of who I am, the past the present future, all that had been through.

That's a hard journey. But it's not impossible. And again, it takes just little steps each day to get you there. So thank you for taking the time to listen to this episode. It was one that I put some thought into, that I really wanted to kind of bear you know, my own past and share my experiences that hopefully, again, the story that I tell can help you. If you enjoy this podcast, please visit let go and be free.com There are tons of resources there. In the blog section there's like ton there's 300 Plus posts. There's links to the let go and be free volumes of books. I hope that this podcast has helped you and then if you do enjoy it, give it a positive rating on wherever iTunes on Spotify like it, you know or pick up one of the books to help support financially, the podcast so I can pay for the podcast hosting fees. Thank you again. I appreciate you. I hope this episode has been of help. And as always, be well.

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