Let Go and Be Free Podcast: Episode 29 (Preparing for the Holidays)

With the holidays fast approaching, many people who grew up in an alcoholic and/or dysfunctional family dread the holiday season.

Now that you're on a path to embrace healthy behaviors, you can also create new traditions and set boundaries to ensure that you enjoy the holidays as you would like.

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Transcript

Welcome to the let go and be free podcast, A podcast for those who grew up in an alcoholic or dysfunctional family. I'm your host, Ron Vitale, author of The let go and be free series for adult children of alcoholics. On this podcast, we'll talk about everything from dealing with ruminating thoughts, to stopping dysfunctional behaviors that you learned as a child. Together, we'll shine a light to dispel any shame you might feel about your upbringing, and learn practical tips that will help you live a healthier life. If you'd like to learn more, feel free to visit, let go and be free.com Hello, and welcome to this week's show, I wanted to focus on a topic that might be a little bit difficult for some of you out there. It is preparing for the holidays. I know we still have weeks yet to go before the holiday season. But I thought better to start planning now then not.

So depending on what holiday if you celebrate Hanukkah or Christmas or Kwanzaa or whatever you celebrate, typically at the end of the year, a lot of family gatherings, a lot of stress a lot of complex and difficult decisions to make within a family. And if you are still in a situation where there are problems with drinking, in your family or addiction, or emotional abuse or all kinds of different things that are going on the holidays might be a time that you look at and dread, you might be stuck in your ways of feeling trapped or feeling guilty, feeling guilty to you know, go see your family to you know, check in on them to partake of situations, you know, getting involved in codependent or meshed situations where all you want to do is just, you know, have a good time. But that might kind of spin out of control due to circumstances that are not within your ability to control.

The holidays is a difficult time for many, and I wanted to kind of talk about those situations so that way you could prepare, one of the things that you don't want to say outright is that whatever traditions that you follow, they can change if you want them to change, you know, situation could be you might have people coming to your house, or you might go to your family's house, or you might go to some other relative's house, whatever those normal traditions are, if they're not healthy for you, or you don't want to partake in them this year, because of your mental health, you can change them. And I know saying that might seem impossible, you know, you might think that, you know, people are gonna be angry at you, if you change things or, you know, all kinds of anger, confusion, guilt, fear are all can be wrapped up into the holidays. Or it could just be the normal stress and work, you know, of the holidays that you might say, it's not really enjoyable for me, I, you know, get triggered from memories of the past and I just kind of coast through the holidays, and they're, they're not a difficult time.

You know, so I want to share a little bit about, you know, my own past holidays, and some ideas of how to change the situation where if you aren't happy with things or maybe you are, you still might want to think a little bit of what might you want to do differently. I'm going to bring this up, you know, with the, I guess the behind sight of with what all of us went through over the last couple years with the Coronavirus pandemic.

You know, I can only speak for myself. But knowing that many people in the world didn't get to see their families for one or two different years of birthdays and you know, Thanksgiving and Christmas and Hanukkah, Kwanzaa and such. There's just a lot of a lot of baggage that we all kind of went through over the last couple of years. So first, let me kind of go back and kind of talk through for me. I've always loved the Christmas season, my family and I celebrate Christmas. I remember, as a kid, some of my earliest memories about Christmas was right after my mom and my father, they divorced. At first Christmas, I just remember that I think my father had gotten me a bike.

And I was very happy to get the bike. I don't remember him being there to give me the bike, but I think he must have dropped the bike off, you know, to my mom and gave it to me, and I just remember like, oh, wow, this is great. And, you know, for the, for the bike, there was a, I guess, like a numbered sign, you know, back back in the early 80s, you would get a, you know, like a huffy bike, and it was like a race bike, you know, and you would put this little sign on top of it, and I guess, whatever, in the box, or the picture of this bike. I was like, oh, you know, did the number sign come with it? So I could be whatever, like, you know, racer five, you know, like the number five or something like that. I thought that looks so cool. And my mom had said, oh, you know, I'll talk to your father. And we'll, we'll get that for you. And I just remember that I never got it and never got an explanation from him of like, what happened to it. And it was almost like a perfunctory, I got you a gift. Here's the gift, gave it to your mother. And I've never had any personal connection with the gift. So the holidays for me, especially year after year after year, you know, never received a card from my father. I guess there was that one time gift, and I just, I don't remember anything after that. So Christmas, for me was always fraught with questions of whatever, you know, whatever happened to my father, what why was any around? Why did he not send a Christmas card? You know, it wasn't, wasn't so much like I wanted a gift. It was more of because I wanted a father to be like, Hey, I hope you're okay, hope you and your brother are doing fine. I love you both. And here's a little something, you know, or, you know, just just some positive reinforcements that he cared, well, I didn't really ever happen.

And I would hear at school, you know, plans with other, you know, families of what they were doing. And that would never be my situation. Because, you know, my father was never around, you know, there was never the oh, you know, my mom and dad, and we're gonna do this. For The Holidays, it was more, you know, my mom moved in with her parents. So it was basically my grandparents, my uncle, my mom, my brother, and I, and coming from an Italian Irish family Catholic.

We did go to, you know, maths for Christmas eve dinner, we did the Seven fish dinner. And I remember my grandmother doing so much work for Christmas Eve, you know, cooking all the seven different fishes and, you know, the table would be set and, you know, everything would look immaculate. And it wasn't that we were rich. It was, it was just I remember her putting so much time and effort, hours and hours and hours into doing the dinner. And, you know, it would be time for dinner. We'd sit down. And my, my grandfather and uncle, they would just eat so fast. And it was like boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, dinner's done. And I think she would just have sat down, you know, to eat, and they were finished. And, you know, it wasn't the type of dinner where, oh, let's take your time and have this hour course or, you know, and talk for a little bit or you know, or whatever it was just like EDD super quick, be finished in like 15 minutes and then get up and go to the other room and listen to the radio or put the TV on or something like that. And I just remember seeing, you know, all the work that my grandmother and then my mother, you know, and helping her with cleaning up and such they went through and as I got older, you know what help. And I remember being I guess I was in my late teens or early 20s.

I lived at home during college. And I remember saying to my grandmother, I would like to do the the Christmas eve dinner. One year I wanted to learn the tradition and do the trends. You know the tradition I wanted to do the Seven fish dinner I watched her year after year after year to do the work, I wanted to do the same. And so I remember, you know, going through and learning how to do this, that the shrimp, the smells, the, you know, the flounder, cooking everything doing the yo yo with the spaghetti with the garlic and the and the oil and the black pepper and putting all the all the food out and on the table. And I remember sitting down, I felt sick to my stomach, I was just, I was tired, I was sweaty. I just I just didn't feel like eating. So you know, I did my best to get through the meal. And I remember my grandmother coming up to me, and she said something to the effect of, do you see now Do you understand now like, why when I sit down and eat dinner, I don't often eat a lot. And I did because like I had gone through that process and realized, like how much effort and stress and work and you know, and then like once you were finished and everything had to be cleaned up. And the way things went, you know, maybe the the men in the family would bring in their dish, and like pile it into the sink. But they wouldn't really help clean, you know, like put things in the dishwasher or dry the dishes like that, that typically didn't happen. So big family gatherings in my memory as a kid, were often these big affairs, you know, family would come over like my, my grandfather's brother and wife or my grandmother's brother and his wife and kids. And like, sometimes we'd have like two tables put together and the kids table was like, typically in the living room. And then you know, the rest of the table and with the leaf and it was like all the adults and stuff, all this work. And, you know, my grandmother doing all this work. And, you know, as a kid, I had fun because it was like, oh, yeah, you know, people would give you gifts for Christmas. And it was a great time, as you remember the Christmas lights and the fake Christmas tree and the tinsel and all that kind of stuff.

And then after we ate dinner, there were there was a block in our neighborhood that they went all out for Christmas lights, like every house on the block went like, you know, over, above and beyond what you know, do for Christmas, like they had Christmas lights from across the street hanging Lake. You know, Santa and his sleigh and reindeer are like hanging over the street with twinkling lights. And it got to be so big that, you know, all the cars in the neighborhood would slowly drive through and block up traffic, you know, on Christmas Eve because so many people wanted to see the lights on the block. And it was like music and me was just like it made the news, you know, it was such a big thing. And, you know, I remember these type of traditions. And then we'd go back and have dessert, you know, with, you know, Christmas Eve. And again, my grandmother did all the work, there was all like the baking and then the week or so before, and then having to clean everything up. So I share this story because I, you know, I realized now as an adult.

And my grandmother was trying to do her best to pass on these traditions of family, bonding, good food, good times.

And I get that. But what wasn't fair is that all the amount of work that she had to do.

And this story that I'm telling my mirror many of the stories that you have in your own family, if you are the one that has to do all the work, you know, that has to do all the cooking and the cleaning, and you have everybody over in the stress and it's a lot. And So option one is do you have to do that this year, and it might sound sacrilegious to even say that.

You know, again, coming from an Italian Irish family, you know, there's that pride of like, we're going to cook ourselves and we're going to do all the work and we're going to put all the food out for you know the family and if anybody else comes that you're not expecting, I mean, my grandfather always used to joke and be like, Oh, if the you know the Salvation Army came with, you know, people who needed food we'd be ready for it because my grandmother would always overcook, but I understood that she did that because one leftovers and then sometimes relatives from other parts of the block shed like her mother used to be at the end the middle of the block of the breezeway and another sister was at the end of the block so people would sometimes come over. I mean, you never knew, you know, it was just always like a big a big thing a big to do. You know, when I was really young, I remember I just lots of family, lots of you know, lots of cooking lots of food, lots of you know, everything going on. And it was just like, it was it was a hectic time, and was a lot of work. And that might be the same situation for you. So the question is, one, is it healthy for you? Is it true that you have to do that?

You know, what, if, this year, if you are in the situation where you put on all the work, and you really don't want to do that, maybe you said, You know what, I like having this, but one you want it smaller, or two, you just don't you would like to enjoy, you know, the holiday.

Some circumstances, you know, could have changed and you're you've changed your mind, you want to do something different? Could you go to another person's, you know, house for whatever celebrations you go through for the holidays? Could you go out to eat? Could you pare it down? And I I understand, again, as a person who grew up in Italian family, these these questions that I'm asking might sound sacrilegious. And the reason why I'm bringing these up, is that with dysfunctional families, and with alcoholism and addiction, often there are, you know, power imbalances that happen within these families. And there's lots of stress, lots of anger, frustration, resentment, a lot going on bubbling underneath the surface. And if you want a break, you get asked for it, or you can take it. So if you have a partner, ask for help. If you're in a situation where that's just impossible, and see if you could pare things down. You know, if you have 20 people over for dinner, maybe have it smaller, half as big. So you don't feel well this year, you're tired, your you need help, can you elicit help from somebody else in the family, you know, if you still want to have the gatherings at your your household, there are many different options.

It's the complexity of untangling some of those traditions that might be steeped in dysfunctional behavior. Whereas everybody just assumes, you know, that this person is one person is going to take on the responsibility of all the work. It doesn't have to be that way. So last Easter, you know, Easter used to be when I was a kid a really big celebration for my family when my grandparents were still alive. You know, obviously we would go to Mass, we'd come home from mass, some of my grandmother's relatives would come over, we would have, you know, massive like ravioli for appetizers with, you know, Thai in red sauce, there would be then a ham and sweet potatoes, I mean tons of food, and of course desserts. And I was just a lot of work. Now in growing up and setting my own traditions. My wife and I, we would host Easter at our house, we'd have, you know, many relatives that that we have living left come to our house. And it's often a lot of work. So for last year, we decided to do something different. And we went out to eat. And not as many people came for the gathering, it was a much smaller event because other family members said they they weren't able to make it or they couldn't, you know, come or whatever. And we did our own thing with a smaller, a smaller party that went out to eat. And I have to say, I actually really enjoyed it. Because I wasn't like steeped in the cleaning tons of cleaning up or you know, my wife wasn't stressed out in like doing the cooking. And just the way the power relationship of like who does what within a family is coming from an Italian family. You know, I know how to cook.

There are times where I will cook and there are times that you know, my wife will cook when it comes to big family gatherings. I know my wife really enjoys doing that. And so I take on the responsibility of like doing the cleanup. Or maybe I'll cook a dish or something like that. But I know that's her area of expertise that she enjoys. When it came to this Easter dinner for last year. We talked and the decision was let's do something different I was skeptical at first because, you know, I look at it as, as my family is getting older, especially during the pandemic, there were times where I wasn't able to see family.

And I don't know how much more my, you know, my uncle and my mother will be around. And I did feel, you know, guilty of like, Oh, if we change tradition, what if this is the last time I could have had the opportunity, you know, to see them. None of us know, you know, how much time we have on this earth. And there was that sense of guilt of like, well, it needs to be this certain way. Because I might regret not doing you know, what we've always done. But by changing things up and doing something different, it brought a different feel to the day, there was less stress, there was less tension, there was less physical work.

And it was nice to actually just sit down. And, you know, while we were waiting for the food, just kind of being able to talk, you know, my kids were able to be there now that they're older, it was nice to hear what they're up to with, like, you know, school sons in college, my daughter, you know, was in high school. So it was, it was good to hear you like what are their thoughts and feelings and things going on with the world and you know, others that were there were able to talk and it was actually just a really nice, low key event.

Now, you know, for this holiday, I don't quite know what we're going to do yet. But typically, we have local family over for either Christmas Day, we used to do Christmas Eve, and Christmas Day, but as family members are getting older, Christmas Eve has become more of a family, just my own family, my wife, kids and myself.

And that has been a big shift, because I have in my brain, we must do the Seven fish dinner, whereas my kids don't really like fish. So I'm not going to do Seven Fishes, because they don't really enjoy it. And, you know, my, my brother and his family have moved out of state, you know, they're far away, they're, you know, many, many more than a dozen hours away by car. So the world has changed. And I'm trying to change with it, to come up with new traditions. And so with you, with your family, I guess the question is, you know, what, what do you want to do? What is healthy for you? And is it true that if you change your traditions, is it something that will be good for you? Or bad for you? You know, like, how do you how do you navigate through those changes?

Part of it is one coming to terms with your own feelings. And once Do you or do you allow yourself that freedom to say, you know, what, I don't want to do x this year, you know, maybe your circumstances different. You don't put, you know, family gatherings on you go back to your family.

I remember one year when I was in my 20s after Thanksgiving, instead of staying with my own family and having like the normal pumpkin pie and dessert and such, I went to a friend's house. And a bunch of other of our friends did the same thing. So we had one of these, like friend Versary, Thanksgiving dessert gatherings, and it was so much fun. Because it was just your friends. And it wasn't the stress of, you know, this person's gonna talk about this thing, which is going to set this other person off. And then there's gonna be the angst and the arguments or all kinds of stuff. So, family drama, we were able to avoid family drama, I guess, is a nice way of saying it. And so, you know, with you, can you change your mind and say, You know what, I'm going to do something different. Maybe you go to your spouse's this year, you know, let's say if they, you know, they've been trying to get you to go somewhere different and but you've always want to see your family. Like, how can you change things up if you want to?

Or how do you pare things down, if you want to? The point of me doing this episode is that family gatherings, if you grew up in a dysfunctional family, if there was alcoholism, if there was addiction, if there was all kinds of stress going on beneath the surface, holidays typically bring all this up out of everybody. And typically with the holidays and big dinners, there's more drinking than normal.

So if there is a obligation that you have coming up related to the holidays, you know, how can you change that up, it might be something simple. One of the things that my daughter has instituted, and it's actually been a lot of fun, and it's not a lot of money is you get one box of like the plastic wrap, and you go to the dollar store and buy, whatever, 20 bucks or so worth of like goofy little toys.

And then you take each one, and wrap it in the plastic wrap, and then the next toy and plastic wrap. And so you start with a small ball, and at the end of it, you get this massive ball of plastic wrap. Yes, it is a lot of waste. I'm not saying this is healthy for the environment, but I thought it was something fun, you know, to kind of try and what you do is you've got this big ball that has like, maybe $1 bill in it.

And it's got some goofy weird glasses from the dollar store and a bunch of stuff in it. And you get your family or friends sitting around a circle. And you basically give oven mittens to the person and you start with one person and say, Okay, go, and they have a certain amount of time, you know, to kind of go through and try to unwrap it. And each person has whatever, there is a certain amount of time and then it stops. And the person has to, you know, stop trying to rip it open, pass the ball to their left with the mittens, and whatever gifts have fallen out at that point. You know, they get to keep. And it's a lot of fun, because you've got younger people, older people, whomever you have, you know, at the gathering, and it's a lot of fun. I know some families do like the I think they call it the white elephant.

I don't even quite sure why people call it that. It's like a gift giving exchange, in which you know, you give a gift. And then people typically like goofy gifts, and people can trade for the gifts. So again, whatever your traditions are, you can kind of change them up. Maybe you might play trivia games, or karaoke or sing carols together, or go out and sing carols together or go to Mass together a I don't know what your family traditions are. I'm just sharing some of the things that in the last couple of years, we've tried to change things up a little bit to create new traditions, you know, maybe you like to watch, It's a Wonderful Life, you know, and watch on TV, or, you know, any of the other holiday movies, or maybe you don't want to celebrate the holidays at all, and you want to do something different, like go to the movies or something. Whatever your family traditions are. The reason why I put this episode together now is that you have time to think through, what do you want to do for this year? The holidays that are coming up? Do you want to host Do you want to go somewhere else? Do you want to go out to dinner? Want to go to a movie? What do you like, what do you not like, and then maybe think about that, write about it, talk about it.

And then work with those that you do get together with to see if you can change things, it may not be easy to do. But if you're looking for less stress, less family drama, there are ways to do that, it will take some work. And you might get lots of resistance. And you might have to put a boundary down and say like, Oh, I'm sorry. You know, whatever, your parents, I'm not coming this year, I've decided to do something different. I love you very much. I could see you another time over the holidays. You know, but I'm going I've been invited to do XYZ. And you know, there you go. You set a boundary is that easy to do?

No. But it might be something that you want to do. So I wanted to share this with you as a way to get you thinking about the holidays about them coming up and about how you might want to do something different because we live in the world. And we need to find ways of overcoming unhealthy, dysfunctional behavior and patterns and traditions. Whereas we want to do something that's different, to be able to help ourselves live a healthier and more enjoyable life. So again, I hope this has been helpful for you. Thank you so much for listening. I do appreciate it. And as always be well.

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