Let Go and Be Free Podcast: Episode 20 (Letting Go of the Past)

In this episode, I talk about letting go of the past.

To do that, we need to:

  1. Choose that we're ready to let go.

  2. Actively work to heal.

  3. Accept accountability for ourselves.

Tip: When angry, use the skills you can learn from the Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life book by Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D.

Focus on what your needs are and how you can achieve them rather than blaming the past for your current situation.

Want to learn more? Check out the Let Go and Be Free book series.

I’m not a medical expert. If you need help, please reach out to a medical professional.

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Transcript

Welcome to the Let Go and Be Free podcast, a podcast for those who grew up in an alcoholic or dysfunctional family. I'm your host, Ron Vitale, author of The Let Go and Be Free series for adult children of alcoholics. On this podcast, we'll talk about everything from dealing with ruminating thoughts, just stopping dysfunctional behaviors that you learned as a child. Together, we'll shine a light to dispel any shame you might feel about your upbringing, and learn practical tips that will help you live a healthier life. If you'd like to learn more, feel free to visit, let go and be free.com.

And welcome to this week's episode wanted to focus this week on the past and how to let go from what happened to you, when you were a kid. You know, thinking through if you grew up in and alcoholic or dysfunctional family, a lot of those thoughts can be ruminating in your head, a lot of I wished this or wished that or if things would have happened differently to me, a lot of anger might be you know, welled up within you, of how you were treated as a kid a lot of memories, some repressed memories, a whole bunch of things kind of going on.

And that foundation in your brain of what happened to you, when you were a kid you carry with you, you know, some people say oh, that's, you know, the baggage that you carry, or all of us have, quote unquote, baggage that we bring with us, you know, to relationships? And, you know, the question is, what are you going to do with all of that, as you go about the world and you compare yourself with others, it's a natural thing to do as you grow up, and you look at other families and, and kind of look over there and be like, Why is their family different than my family? You know, why do they have, you know, a loving family and mine is filled with, you know, pain and confusion and, you know, shameful secrets and all kinds of things.

That's a complicated process as a kid to kind of go through that. And then to compare yourself with others. You know, I've been in circumstances where, you know, I've had things happen to me, in the sense that, um, you know, would be growing up in school, and, you know, kids would make fun of me for, you know, what I wore, or, you know, the fact that I had glasses, you know, kids, unfortunately, kids can be very cruel, you know, to each other. And it's something that, you know, when I was growing up, I never quite could understand, you know, people who bullied other people, you know, and in my, in my brain, you know, what was happening is that, you know, growing up in the environment that I did, I used school, you know, as a means to kind of escape and get away, you know, education was a was a way out for me, education was a wave to broaden my horizons, broaden my experiences.

I guess, in some way to feel better about myself, you know, getting good grades, having teachers that liked me, you know, that's, that's where my brain kind of tended. And the reason for that was that it felt good, you know, I was getting positive stimuli, my, you know, my grandparents, my uncle, my, my mom, you know, they were all very appreciative of like, oh, you're doing great school, keep doing, you know, great in school, you know, and then that was a means through which I was able to succeed and kind of rise above everything else that was happening in my life. You know, so I guess when we take a look at this, how to let go of that past there's a there's a, I guess, many different ways to go through that.

The one thing is you can refuse to let go of your past and you can let it you know, kind of run you and then everything that you count against.

You can measure it up against who you who you are as a kid and how you're either fighting against that or wanting to resign you know rise up above that it there's always this like touchstone in your head of, you know, well, I don't want to repeat those mistakes. I don't want to this I don't want to do that or you know, you're, you're constantly trapped by things that were outside of your control. And if you're not choosing to face them, you know, deal with them process them, then you could inadvertently start to go through and repeat those same mistakes, either by in, that's a common thing, someone, you know, was raised by the one or two parents that were alcoholics, then they become alcoholic themselves, or they take on other addictive personality traits.

And that's, you know, that's the danger of like, going through and, you know, seeing that happen, generations of like, families in which, you know, someone was raised by someone who was alcoholic, or addicted to drugs, and then that person falls that to themselves, and then their children, and there's this ongoing process of pain and suffering. So for you to be able to rise up above it. I guess the question, the start off with that foundational question is, do you want to rise up above it? Do you want to, you know, feel better? Do you want to find a way to live a different life? Do you choose a different path?

That first question in your brain? I would expect that, you know, when you were a kid, you came up against that, and either you fought with that in your head, or you embrace the past. And you felt that maybe there was no hope? So I guess that's an essential question, you know, that, most likely you've struggled with all your life. And then there are the some of those that are, you know, in a situation where no matter how you try, just keep falling back into that same pattern again, and there is no escape this, you think there, there is no escape. So for me, you know, with my past, with what happened, after my parents divorced, there was a lot of shame, you know, that that I carried with me shame that I grew up in a family that was broken, that there is, you know, damage there that there was something that happened, that was unspeakable, that I couldn't tell the story of what happened in my family, because others would shy away from that and treat me differently, they would look at me as though I was broken and something wrong with me. And I carried that with me for a long time.

And I also carried a lot of heat, you know, toward my father and anger, frustration, and a lot of emotions that kind of welled up, you know, within me, there were things that I wish I could have over come, but I just didn't have the tools to do it.

One of the things that I realized is that the harder that I tried to distance myself from that past, the more problems that I had. And that might seem, I guess, counterintuitive, you know, if you think about it, like, Well, why is that? And I guess, from my perspective, and what I've learned along the way, is I never felt like I had the right tools. When I was a kid, you know, to overcome, you know, my past, it wasn't, things were a lot different in the late 70s and early 80s. It's not like your family went through a difficult, you know, circumstance, there's divorce, and then, you know, you went to therapy, you had it, you have an opportunity to talk with someone or professional that can help guide you, you know, with your emotions, and what to deal with them and, and how to process them, you know, and how to take a better path, like, what different skills what different little activities I could have done to be able to help me there was none of that, you know, for me back in the in the late 70s in the 80s.

And maybe the same thing for you where that path just didn't exist. Have you went through something that was traumatic, and, you know, you didn't have that opportunity to talk to someone and go to therapy.

And with that being the case, I you know, it did the best that I could I tried to figure out how to move forward. But I did have that burning like hatred of what happened, you know, with my father and I resented him and hated him and swore to myself up and down that I would never become like him.

And by going through that, and then getting through school and meeting friends and seeing their families and seeing their fathers. There was that thought of why can't I have something like this? You know?

Why can I have a father who will, you know, take me to a baseball game, or teach me how to throw a ball or be there for me, you know, when I'm sick, or any of those things.

And the more as a kid that I kind of rallied against that of like, railed my thoughts against that, the worse that I was making my own life to be, it's, it's kind of trying to think of, like a similar, you know, like analogy, and that I was wanting, you know, like a goldfish, to be able to come out of the water, and breathe and walk around. And I know, that might be a weird, you know, analogy, but it was, like, I was wanting the impossible, you know, something that just was never going to happen, I kept wanting that to happen. And the more that I would spend my energy and time and focus on that, the worst things would be, because it was, it was spending energy on the impossible, I wasn't going to be able to change the past, and I wasn't going to be able to change the present, I had no control over any of that. And I spent a lot of time, you know, thinking about that, being angry about that.

Wanting things to be different, wanting, you know, my father the turn around and do the right thing, and, you know, pay child support, and, you know, just just things to be better. And that never came to be, it just wasn't reality. And that was hard, you know, to accept as a kid, because, you know, growing up, you know, you're trying to process all these things. And it was hard enough with the divorce, but then to know what happened within those shameful stories, you know, that you don't want anyone to know about, you've got them buried within you. They're repressed within you, what do you do with them? How do you overcome them? And then when you start forming relationships and friendships, and you're kind of testing the waters of trust? Who can you trust? Can you trust yourself? Can you trust others? How do you go about setting boundaries? What if there were no boundaries? And you didn't even know what the boundary was? How do you overcome any of that?

So, you know, for me, what I realized was, and again, I am not a professional, and I say this, you know, in, in all my work, I'm sharing my life story. And what worked for me may not necessarily work for you, I always recommend that if you're struggling, talk with a professional, but I share my story in the hopes that maybe something that I share, will generate a seed of an idea of something of a possibility of a way out of a better way of life, a better way of dealing with one's past. So for step one, for me, it was simply do I want to feel better, you know, to I want to do I want to make that decision to deal with what happened to me in the past and my family and overcome that. Is that a yes?

And I think what's even more complicated is that the history, many of our histories, if you grew up in an alcoholic, you know, or dysfunctional family, you might have been raised in multiple families. You know, there may have been your birth father, and then maybe you had a stepfather like with me, and then you have all the challenges and tribulations that came from that. And then maybe you lived with another, you know, your grandmother or grandparents like I did. And then that's a whole other, you know, circumstance. So I've always looked at my past as I've had three families in, you know, the time that my mom and father I were married, the time in which we moved in with my grandparents, and then a third, you know, circumstance where my mother remarried, and relationship, you know, we all have with my stepfather and then when that marriage was dissolved, and divorce and annulment came out of that, then we moved back in with my grandparents.

And so, that that is a very complicated process of trying to figure out one's identity and dealing with you know, all that stress and things that I you know, I dealt with, how how do you rise up above that step one, making the decision that you want to be able to do that, you know, you want to rise up above?

And step two, for me is learning the process of letting go of the past, you know, how do you let go of something that you don't have the ability to fix or control. And that's the key phrase there is control.

If we go through life, trying to manipulate and control things to make us feel better, we're not going to be able to rise up above what happened to us in the past, I'll say that again, the more that you try to control things, the less control you actually have. That's a, I think, a more succinct way of saying it.

What I've learned is letting go, you know, the past and of those hooks that were in us, and embracing that past, embracing it in the sense of, you know, I've talked about this before having that visualization of you going back, thinking of yourself as a young child, and now you as an adult, going up to that young little kid, giving that kid a hug, and saying, I am here for you, now, that's the most that we're able to do, you know, we can't go through a time machine and go on the back and fix things. And, you know, even in the present, if one of our parents, whoever, you know, whatever the the circumstances in your, in your personal life, that person, you know, can't really come back and be like, Oh, I'm so sorry, for everything I've done. And let's go back in time, and I'll fix it all, it's just not possible. You can't undo all those memories and all those situations.

So what you can do, though, is, is that you can learn to overcome those circumstances. And that takes time. And it takes responsibility for you in the present, and accountability, that you realize that one, you can't fix whatever happened within your family, if you're wanting to say, well, just for argumentative sake, let's say if it was your father, that was the alcoholic, and let's say he still is, there's nothing you can do to change that, you know, even if he is on the path of recovery, now, you still can't go back in the time and time machine and fix things that happened back then, you know, if you are remembering horrible stories, those stories are kind of burned within your neural pathways, and you've got them buried within you and you carry them, you know, so much so that there may be situations where, you know, in the present, if people are drinking, you might feel uncomfortable or triggered or worried that someone's going to go outside of, you know, the normal boundaries of a social situation with drinking, and that makes you feel uncomfortable and brings up a lot of memories that, you know, you're trying to understand, like, why are you feeling a certain way at this party, you know, if someone's getting out of hand or slurring their speech and their drink in and there's reality yelling or shouting, that uncomfortable feeling is is, you know, being triggered from something that you remember when you were a kid.

And you don't want to be in that circumstance, you know, potentially, again, I'm using as an example, I know, for me, anytime I was in a, in a situation and growing up, you know, as late teens, early 20s, if I was at a party, you know, when people were going getting out of control of drinking, I'd have like a beer or two. And that'd be like, Okay, I'm done with this. And people would just be like, No, drinking, like it was going out of style, like and nothing better to do, and they just were drinking to get drunk. And people would yell and scream. And you know, there's a couple parties, you know, in my college years that I had went to, and I made a decision, I'm like, This is not fun for me. I am not enjoying this.

I don't want to be part of this. I'm out of here. And I, you know, made it a decision not to take part in those kind of, you know, situations and being being in that kind of environment. I realized that what I experienced as a kid, now that I was a young adult, I had the control to be able to say, I don't like this, I don't want to do this. I'm not going to do this anymore. I'm not going to come to these kinds of parties. I'm going to go do other things that I find that are enjoyable to me. And that I like and that step of letting go of the past of saying, I have a boundary. When I'm in a certain circumstance, if people start to get out of control, I can't control their drinking or their drug taking or whatever they're doing. But I can say to myself, hey, let's get out of here. I don't want to be here.

This is not something that I find fun. And then I would go and go do other things. And I would make certain that, you know, as I was growing up, the friends that I surrounded myself with, I gravitated toward those that I felt like I could trust that I could be with, I didn't want to be around with the party crew, you know, in growing up in high school and college, there's there tends to be, you know, kids that want to overdo, like drinking and experimentation with drugs, that's not something that I ever wanted to do, I just saw that as I don't really need to do that, I just find that to be uncomfortable. So I had to set my own boundary level with, you know, alcohol and drugs. For me, I just never wanted to do drugs, you know, I, I don't say that with like a chip on my shoulder. It's just, I kind of saw what, you know, things happened in my own past. And I just, I guess, if I'm honest, I never wanted to be in a situation that a chemical would make me lose control of my own, like, power brain and like, yeah, my mind.

You know, you've heard so many stories, when I was growing up of somebody who was drinking, you know, and, you know, they were with their girlfriend and things went too far kind of thing. And, you know, and then see stories on the news of like, woman being raped and horrible stories. And, and I just said to myself, I don't want to be in a circumstance where I don't have the ability to say, No, I don't want to do this anymore. This is not fun. I had to define for myself what that level of comfort was, you know, once I was 21, and can go for a drink, you know, go to a bar go out restaurant, I would say, you know, I could have like, one drink? I'd have a drink with dinner. And that was it. I was fine with that. And that's, that's what was fine with me.

You know, what you choose to do is different. But defining that process of how are you going to let go of the past? And what are the boundaries that you set up in your own life is really important, as you move forward and find a way to heal? You know, and if you're in a relationship, what are those boundaries with your partner, if they're in contrast, that could create lots of problems? You know, if, if you're like, oh, I want to go to a party, and I just want to stay for a couple hours. And oh, it's starting to get a little out of control. I'm out of here.

But if your partner's like no join in, like, I mean, those things have to be navigated and discussed, you know, in advance before going to a party. And that might sound weird, like, Well, why would you do that? Well, the reason why we do that is, if the person that you're with understands your history, and you shared anything about, you know, what you grew up with, I would hope that you have some kind of an agreement or understanding with that person of, you know, what your threshold is, what your level of comfort is. And if you don't, then the question that I have is, why haven't you had that conversation with, you know, the person that you're in a relationship with? So a lot of what I've learned is that responsibility for yourself. You know, when you're a kid, you may have been in circumstances where no one stood up for you, you know, you saw things that and, or things, you know, experienced things that you should never have experienced.

You know, that's horrible. But unfortunately, you can't go back in time, you can't fix those things.

You can process them and work with therapy to be able to overcome that. And that takes time, you can go to adult children of alcoholics meeting, that also takes time, journal writing, self discovery, all those things, all the different steps of what you know, what you can do the different various paths to overcome what you grew up with. But here in the present, what are you doing for yourself? And that's the another key piece is that if you let go of the past, then accepting accountability for the present, is, is next. And so what I mean by that is, what kind of circumstances do you allow yourself to be in?

Who are the people that you allow yourself to be involved with? If you are in a relationship or someone is repeating those same patterns that took place in the past or you are repeating those same patterns and drinking or drugs or abuse or whatever? Then are you really overcoming that past? Are you just reliving things? Are you just repeating those patterns? accepting the responsibility that you are responsible for your own actions?

That is critical. And then there's also the future. You know, either if you have children or even if you don't have children, your future, what do you want your future to be? Like? You know, do you want to be in a future situation where the past is just being repeated? And then you're stuck in that like time loop? Or are you building and working and going on the journey of understanding who you are letting go of the past, finding ways of forgiving yourself for, you know, things that have happened that you had no control of, and building the communication skills and tools? No matter what that is? Is it meditation? Is it praying? Is it therapy? Is it going to adult children of alcoholics meeting? What are you doing? So that in the future, you're setting yourself up for success? That's part of the process of letting you know, the past go? Because in order to get to that future, how are you going to let go of the past?

And it might sound like a paradox, it's like, well, if you were in the future, and you're still worrying about the past, have you really let go of it. You know, if you're, in a circumstance, use a very simple story of if you are invited to go to a party, and you have friends, and your friends, you know, when to drink more than you do? Do you stand up for yourself? Do you give yourself the boundary level of saying, Hey, I just don't feel like doing this tonight, you know, I don't feel like being here, I'm gonna go do my own thing, or I've been here long enough, I'm gonna go home, you know, and you might say, well, by the partner wants to stay later, they can do whatever they want to do, you know, standing up for yourself, does that mean that you either have to force them to do what you want to do? You know, or you give in and just go along with whatever they're doing. If you don't want to drink or you don't want to be in a situation where there's unhealthy behaviors going around, you don't have to worry, you know, you might say, I, you know, you're in a circumstance where you're in conflict with somebody, how are you going to resolve that conflict, a lot of it is tied into how we argue and discuss with people our feelings, is tied into our memories from like, what we used to do, or what we saw our family do when we were kids. And by processing all of that, healing from that, and moving on, it takes a lot of work.

It's like, learning how to communicate is essential. So for example, is the book and I have to look up the quote, I have an upstairs, it's on my monitor, and I'll put this in the in the show notes.

Instead of when you're angry at somebody, and then yelling at somebody, I, you know, it didn't say like you did this, you this, you that, you know, common knowledge is, say, I statements, I feel this, I feel that. But the next step above that is if you're angry at somebody and angry in a situation, to focus on what that really is, you say, I need x, because at the end of the day, really what's happening in the argument is, you might feel a certain way, but what are you really needing in that moment. And that helps get to the core sense of the problem. So instead of you're arguing, and you're going in circles with someone, and there's, you know, you're carrying the baggage of the past, of what you saw your parents do, in arguing, now you're in the present, and you're arguing with a spouse, or sibling or whatever, friend, and you can't get out of that circumstance. You know, if you're yelling at each other arguing or pressing, and you're just like, really upset, to get through that.

Understanding what you need, is going to help you overcome that by saying you do this, you do that, that's not going to solve anything. Because if you've tried that, you know, the other person gets defensive, and then arguments come up again. But when you say I feel a certain way, you know, I am angry, I am this and then you come to the core of it. I need to go now, because I don't feel comfortable at this party. I need to go now because I don't feel comfortable of whatever or I need to be held. I need someone who can hear me I need what exactly do you need and that moment?

And are you asking that person to give that to you? Are you asking yourself to give it to yourself? What is that? That's where that accountability is and where we learn to let go of the past, where we realize what happened to us as kids and what we saw our parents go through, we can't fix, but in the present with the right skills, the right tools of being able to process what happened to us. And in the moment how to process our emotions and our feelings. It allows us to go on a different level to be able to solve problems, communicate effectively, and give ourselves what we were never able to get in the past. We are responsible for ourselves, we cannot control others.

We are responsible and accountable for our our own actions. And I think the sooner that we realize that, and learn the various tools and skills, communication vehicles, that get us out of circumstances where we're not repeating the past, the better. So I do hope this episode has been helpful for you. Because letting go the past is not an easy thing. You know, we might want to we might think that we did, but, you know, we might fall back into that, you know, past and ruminating on those thoughts. And the best way to overcome that is acknowledging that we want to overcome the past, put in the work to overcome it. Learn what those skills are to overcome and put them into practice. And then it just takes time. So thank you again, for listening to this podcast. I appreciate it. If you'd like to learn more visit, let go and be free.com. You can sign up for the free newsletter there. share this podcast with others to help get the word out. And I hope you have a great week and as always, be well.

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