Let Go and Be Free Podcast: Episode 19 (Finding Lifelong Love)
In this episode, I talk about finding the love of your life: yourself.
To build the foundation of a healthy relationship, it's first essential that we fall in love with ourselves. This means our quirks, good qualities, and everything in between.
I share my story along with tips of what you can do to help solidify a strong foundation of self-esteem, confidence, and worthiness within yourself.
Want to learn more? Check out the Let Go and Be Free book series.
I’m not a medical expert. If you need help, please reach out to a medical professional.
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Transcript
Welcome to the let go and be free podcast, a podcast for those who grew up in an alcoholic or dysfunctional family. I'm your host, Ron Vitale, author of The let go and be free series for adult children of alcoholics. On this podcast, we'll talk about everything from dealing with ruminating thoughts, to stopping dysfunctional behaviors that you learned as a child. Together, we'll shine a light to dispel any shame you might feel about your upbringing, and learn practical tips that will help you live a healthier life. If you'd like to learn more, feel free to visit, let go and be free.com.
And welcome to the show. This week that we're gonna talk about finding lifelong love. And we're gonna focus on something a little different. One of the earlier episodes we had talked about, basically have being healthy in a romantic relationship. In this circumstance, I wanted to focus on something a little bit different, something that you may not have thought of, in finding lifelong love.
The point that I'm trying to focus on is basically falling in love with yourself, meaning, realizing that you, as an individual, have a foundation in which you're worthy of love. You have healthy boundaries, healthy self esteem, and basically feel comfortable with yourself. That might seem like a tall order for some of you. And for others, it might be something that you're much more comfortable with. But I did want it to basically talk about this in a way that would be helpful for you, no matter what stage of life that you're in, doesn't matter. If you are single, if you're married, divorced or separated, it doesn't really matter at at the end of the day, with any of those stages of various relationships.
Or if you're not able to be in a relationship, because you don't want to be or just haven't been able to find the right person. What's most important is finding and maintaining that love with yourself, that in order to be in a healthy relationship, knowing your own strengths, your weaknesses, and fostering that ability to be able to really, basically love and enjoy who you are, is critical. So wanted to kind of tell a little bit of some of my stories, which will hopefully help you and allow you to kind of compare where you are in your own journey, again, the you know, with what I'm sharing, and there's no one size fits all in any of this. But I do believe that at least the the under lying Foundation, the building blocks of a healthy life, I do believe that the quintessential thing is being comfortable in your own skin.
And loving yourself. You know, without that, I do think that you're, you know, I can say for myself was on shaky ground. So just to take, you know, a little bit of time to kind of go through and share my story is that, you know, when I was growing up in an adult in a alcoholic and dysfunctional family, part of what I was struggling with is that the circumstances that I were in were chaotic. I didn't know where things were going to end up. After my parents divorced. There was a bittersweet mixture of, you know, me being young, I was like five or six at the time, and wanting to have that stable family to realizing that I wasn't going to have that.
And then there was the fear of, you know, one, wanting to have a father figure in my life, but at the same time not wanting to see my own father, from the circumstances that I grew up with that I I knew that that wasn't healthy. And I wanted something that was going to be healthy. So for me, at a very young age, a lot of responsibility had been put on me to be you know, the man of the house to focus on. You know, making sure that all went well for my mother, brother and myself even though there wasn't a lot of like physical work, like put on me, just the emotional burden, you know, of being the man of the house, and I've shared that that, you know, my mother had talked to me about that. It just put a lot of a load on me to kind of figure out like, I knew I needed to be good.
I did the best I could in school, I was deathly afraid, you know, the abandonment because of everything that was going on of, you know, just what was happening in family life and the divorce and move and moving into my grandparents. And, you know, I knew the stress that that was causing my grandparents and my mom and her trying to find that job and just trying to figure everything all out, because there was a lot of topsy turvy, you know, circumstances.
And then, you know, as my mother decided to remarry with my stepfather, I guess, I think I was like, around, maybe like, 11 or so, up until around 1415 years of age, we had moved out of my grandparents and moved into an apartment a couple miles away. And when that relationship went sour and fell apart, my mom divorced again, we went through, like a crisis time again, you know, and moving back in with my grandparents.
So that was around the time that I started thinking about dating. And, you know, having gone to an all boys Catholic high school, I didn't have the opportunity to socialize with girls my age, because there were no girls in high school, you know, and the extracurricular activities that I did like playing Dungeons and Dragons, you know, on arcade games and things like that, the Atari, that wasn't at that time in the 80s, a very popular thing for girls to do with guys.
So it was mostly just my guy friends, you know, me. And, you know, I just didn't, I didn't know what the heck I was doing when it comes to dating. But what I did do, you know, I look back, and I realized that this was wrong. But again, you got to be easy on yourself, and that you can't go back in time, and you can't fix the things that you've said you've done, you can only learn and grow from them and make amends with people and move on.
But for me, you know, I thought that falling in love with someone, you know that that was going to save me, instead of realizing that I needed to put the energy into dealing with my upbringing, the problems that I had, focusing on better communication skills, getting to know myself getting to know, social dynamics, and you know, how to interact with people building boundaries, like I just didn't understand any of that, you know, so those first relationship was was a mess. And then, you know, when I did get into a more serious relationship, you know, in college, you know, you know, I went from, I'm doing fine and doing great in school, got all straight A's.
And I went into, you know, a serious relationship, and I'm going to get married. Because in my head, I thought, oh, once you start dating someone, the sole purpose was you went from meeting someone seeing if they're compatible. If they are compatible, then the natural end of the line is you marry that person, then, you know, for me, the relationships that I had at that time, you know, I was, quote, unquote, finding the wrong person. And that person wasn't emotionally there. For me, I was a wreck, so I wasn't there. For her. It was it was, you know, just bad, you know, in the sense that I had no clue what I was doing. And then after that relationship fell apart. That was around the time that I decided to go to therapy, and the adult children of alcoholics meetings, and reading lots of like, self help books, because I realized that there was a pattern, you know, in my relationships that I was looking for someone to basically rescue or save me.
And I was trying to almost repeat the patterns of what I grew up with. And let me explain that, you know, what I was trying to figure out is, well, if my father left me, and he wasn't there for me, then I'm going to find someone who, you know, has their own problems and quirks but they will be there for me. And that skewed logic makes no sense. You know, now that I look back, but at the time, it made a lot of sense to me. It was the Two pieces make one whole, instead of two whole, people make one full person. And I just didn't get that.
So I spent a lot of wasted time and energy, you know, in my late teens, early 20s, trying to figure out, like, who I was, and why were these relationships, like falling apart. And it was after that breakup, that I started spending time, you know, on myself, and, you know, realize that, it wasn't a good time for me, you know, to be in a relationship that I needed to work on. Rebuilding myself. And what I mean by that is, you know, when I was in a relationship, I threw everything into it, put my friends mostly to the side, I only saw my friends, if it was, you know, couple events, you know, like, I was a couple, and then I would hang out with other couples, instead of saying, hey, you know, what, I'm gonna go see these friends tonight, I'm not available, you know, building boundaries, instead of I let all those boundaries go away. And just through myself, you know, into only being in the relationship. And that took a cost, you know, a toll on me.
And that was something that I didn't quite understand, you know, at the time. Now, you know, in retrospect, and having gone through therapy and understanding more about things like enmeshment, you know, repeating patterns of dysfunctional behaviors, and because that's all that I knew, and not quite understanding, you know, what I was trying to, to move forward, you know, and like, it was, like, being in a boat that had a hole in it, and the boat sinking, and I'm desperately bailing the boat out, and I'm trying to sell, you know, to the, the land, that's gonna save me, but I was, like, making it doubly hard for myself. And, you know, while I was doing that, it wasn't spending any time on anything outside of bailing the, the ship. And, yeah, that's, that's difficult to admit, because, you know, I look back and realize, like, all the things that I did, which just made no sense, you know, again, like, anytime there were problems in the relationship, I would get clingy, and needy, and be afraid that the relationship was gonna break up, because I didn't, you know, fall apart, and I didn't know what I was gonna do, because my whole identity was tied into a relationship.
And, you know, I bring this up, because if you start going to adult children of alcoholic meetings, one of the things that, you know, are is kind of talked about is, you know, if you aren't in a relationship, and you're just starting this path, give yourself some time, you know, not to be with anyone, give yourself time to learn who you are, you know, the problems that you're trying to dredge up and solve within yourself, like, give yourself space, because when you're in the meetings, you're going to hear other people's stories. And then you might become attracted to someone within the group, because you hear their story and might be similar to your story. And you feel like there's a Kindle moment there, where you're like, oh, wow, I can really identify, let's get together.
Whereas it might make more sense to hold off and not get into a relationship. And of course, this all depends on your stage of life, if you're single, or if you're married, or, you know, dating someone or, you know, separated, it all depends. And I'm just sharing that. I've heard many stories about people starting to go to a COA meetings, and then, you know, quote, unquote, fall in love with someone there. And then that typically brings up a wild rollercoaster of a ride of a relationship that typically, you know, kind of flames out very quickly. And both people are then hurt, and then kind of realize, like, Oh, great now at the meeting that we go to, you know, I probably don't want to be there with this person that I'm no longer dating. So I bring that up. Because when I started going to the ACA meetings, I realized that afterward, the, you know, the group would sometimes go to a diner and then you would hang out and you would just talk and just talk about other stuff. And when I look back at some of the most enjoyable times that I had, just getting to know other people, different walks of life.
I've, you know, just different experiences, and you just hear their stories, what are they up to, and that was kind of fun. Because there was like, true understanding, like it was a safe environment just to, to be that you're you weren't judged for, you know, who you are your people were getting to know you, for you. And I rather like that.
Whereas, often, you know, we play roles in different places that we go where we might put on, you know, a figurative mask, and pretend to be someone else, or we do not show our true selves, because we're afraid that we're going to be, you know, mocked or made fun of or whatever. So, what what I had decided to do, you know, again, is, after, you know, a really serious relationship that kind of broke apart is to take that time to kind of rebuild myself and spend time with myself. journal writing on a daily basis is, is, I found really helpful because as all these emotions were coming up, I was able to write, and come in contact, like to process these feelings.
And there's a big difference between wallowing in like listing all the grievances, all the fears, all the things you're going through. And then also spending time on listing out what you're grateful for. If I, what I realized quickly is that if I always focused on the negative, then my brain was being trained on that. Whereas if I started listening, the positive, you know, the things I was grateful for, like new neural pathways were being created allow me to focus on possibilities, rather than be stuck in the past. Because at the end of the day, what all of us are trying to do is how do we overcome the trauma, the stress, the anxiety, the fear of what we've lived through as kids, and not carry that baggage with us into current relationships, the only way that I found to be able to do that is to come to terms with what we live through.
And some of that is just accepting that it happened, we can't go back in time and fix any of that. And we're not broken, even though we might feel that something has been shattered within us. And we weren't given a fair, you know, shake in life, you know, the other relationships and families, when we look at those, they seem so wonderful. whereas ours was, you know, like a dumpster fire.
And that, that type of thinking that absolution is thinking, you know, it's either black or white, can also be very damaging, and hold you back. So what I tried to focus on, you know, especially when I was going through that time period, is I, you know, had my weekly therapy session, I tried to go once or twice a week to an adult children of alcoholics meeting, ACOA meeting, and then I, you know, whatever books, I was reading on the side, and I made time for activities for myself, like, for example, if I wanted to go to a movie on my own, I would go to the movie, on my own. If I wanted to hang out with my friends, I would hang out with my friends. Like I, over the course of months, I started rebuilding relationships with friends, with new friends.
And I started making time for myself to do the things I wanted to do. Because what I realized is I, I had trapped myself in only thinking that a loving relationship, a romantic loving relationship was the only way that I could be healed. And it would solve all my problems. Whereas, you know, a healthy balance between your relationship, your relationship with your co workers, your relationship with your family members, relationship with friends, it's a complex, you know, community of people, you know, I always like to think there's a there's a net, a safety net, that's under me.
And that when I hit a rough patch in life, I have friends that I can go to or family members or coworkers that, you know, not saying I'm going to dump all my problems onto them. But if I needed someone to talk to there are people in my life that I could talk about problems. And then if I'm looking to have a good time, you know, and whatever, go to the movies or some people that I could do that with you and having that community that social interaction in an environment that's healthy, is helpful.
So, over, you know, the last so many years, what I've realized is, number one goal for me, is to take care of myself, it's kind of like, if you're on the airplane, and God forbid, you know, the planes gonna crash, when the air mass dropped the oxygen mask, you're told to put that on yourself first, before you help other people.
Because if you don't take care of yourself, so you, you can breathe yourself, you're not going to be able to take care of others. And it's the same, you know, type of, you know, thought processes, I now prioritize time for meditation. Exercise, for me, that's running and walking. Creativity, I like to write can be journal writing book writing, nonfiction writing, doing this podcast, you know, watching movies, and then spending times time with friends with family, and like building that out. Like it.
So if I'm not eating, right, if I'm not sleeping, right, from that exercising, right, I'm gonna feel not great. If I don't feel great, I'm not going to be able to be as positive and present within other relationships. It could be a romantic relationship, it could be friends or with coworkers, it doesn't matter. You know, and back in my early 20s, I remember just feeling very distraught, in that I felt very lonely.
And I was looking to be in a romantic relationship. And no matter how hard I tried, I just, you know, I would meet girls, and they would like me, and I find out that they're, like, engaged to be married or something like that. So we were friends, which is fine. It's just, I just wasn't able to meet someone that I was going to, like, you know, spark up, I'm like, Hey, let's go to the movies and, you know, go on a date, it just had a really difficult time for that. After in a serious relationship that I was in. And that was frustrating, because I felt like the world was conspiring against me. Whereas now, when I look back, it was like, Well, you know, just, when you spend time on yourself, that's when opportunities arise.
And I don't think I've ever told this story on this podcast, but you know, how I met my wife is that, you know, again, I had been, you know, I was in graduate school, I was meeting people, I was, you know, really wanted to talk to people, like, Hey, if you know, somebody, I'm open to going like on a blind date with somebody and I tried all kinds of things could not find, you know, like a good match. And this is like, after a good amount of time of going to therapy and journal writing and self help books and adult children of alcoholics, meaning all this stuff, I kept trying and trying all these things, doing everything, which I thought, quote, unquote, was right, but I couldn't find the right person. And situation came up in which there was a poetry reading at a bookstore.
And I really wanted to go and read my poetry. And you know, this, again, was, like the mid 90s. And for me, you know, being a creative person I like to write. At that time that I didn't, you know, I had written a book, I'd written short stories. I started dabbling in poetry. So it was open mic night. And I had asked all my friends in the, the master's program that I was at my school, like, Hey, could you come? And, you know, a couple people said, Yes, I could definitely come with you. And as we get closer to that night, everybody backed out. So it was basically I was going to be in a situation where I didn't make a decision. Either one, I went to the poetry reading on my own, and I read my poems, and just was strong enough to be like, hey, that's gonna be a little scary in front of a bunch of people, I don't know. And then just read some personal stories, you know, poetry about myself, or to don't go.
And I could have easily have said, you know, what, I'm not gonna go. I mean, it's not like I had signed up or anything. It's not like, I paid money or something to go. It was, you know, it was just like, I had a drive 35 minutes away, go to the store, and, you know, read my poetry during an open mic night. And I thought about it. And I decided I'm going to go and the reason why I wanted to go is I realized that if I didn't take a risk, and do things that were uncomfortable for myself, then, you know, I wasn't ever going to be in a position And where I could feel better about where it was headed in life. So I made that decision, got in the car, went to the poetry reading, read my poems. And at the end, I happen to run into a friend that worked at the store. And he was putting the chairs away for the reading, and I started helping him.
And then his friend came over and said, Hi, and it was this woman. And that woman, I met her, and she eventually became my wife. So it was a total, like, happenstance. circumstance of it was just, I happened to be at the right place at the right time, and open to different possibilities, that if I would have said, Oh, I don't want to go to that event, I probably wouldn't have met my wife, and I be on a different path. And I probably probably also would have been on a different path mentally, because I would have made a decision not to build that foundation for myself, you know, to take care of myself, and, and foster that creativity within me and take that risk of doing something that was uncomfortable, you know, reading poetry to a bunch of strangers. So I always look at that moment. As you know, there's a couple of key moments in my life.
You know, neither one of those was, I had an opportunity to travel overseas to Paris for three weeks, when I was in college, I had no money, I asked my grandfather, if I could borrow the money from him, he refused. And the only other option I had was taking out a loan from a bank, and my mom was able to cosign for me, for the $5,000 for the trip. And I promised that I would pay the money back with my part time job, which I did. But I wanted to go overseas, I wanted to learn for those three weeks. And that opportunity was amazing.
Because, you know, I was learning French, I was learning French culture, living in the dorms with, you know, a roommate I had met from Texas, and, you know, met people from all around the country, they're just a blast of a time for those three weeks, it was one of the highlights of my life. And when I think of that time, it was because I took a risk, a healthy risk, a risk of investing in myself, and taking time and energy for myself. And from that, other opportunities became possible for me. So, you know, now, when I think about life, and think about where each of us need to go, we might be lonely, we might be, you know, divorced, we might be in a bad marriage, a loving marriage, we might be dating someone, and it's not going so great.
Or maybe it's going wonderful, no matter what any of those circumstances are, we still need to take time to build relationships for yourself with yourself. Meaning, we need to love ourselves, we need to be comfortable in our own skin, we need to find out what makes us tick, and spend the time and the energy to take care of ourselves mentally, physically, you know, emotionally, psychologically, a, once all those things are done and a very strong foundation, we'll find that we have other opportunities that are open up in our relationships, because we see things differently when we take care of ourselves, when we set those boundaries. And someone says, Oh, come on, come out with us.
And, you know, do XYZ, if you don't feel like it, because you're tired, you can say, Oh, thank you for inviting me, but I don't feel like going. But when we're weak, meaning we're tired, and we're not taking care of ourselves, we might fall into different dysfunctional behaviors. Because we're not fostering the energy of learning, hey, I need to set a boundary or I need to love myself, I need to see that I'm worthy. And in order to do that, you know, I need to attend these ACA meetings where maybe I gotta go to therapy, or I'm going to do my daily journal writing. It's the mindset of, are we going to rescue ourselves?
Or are we going to think that others are going to rescue us, like if I can put it very simply, if we take care of ourselves, everything else will come around that the friends the you know, good times, when we trap ourselves into that dysfunctional thinking of I was abandoned, I was hurt. I'm a survivor. You know, I'm sorry, I was a victim rather than thinking. I'm a survivor, the brain, you know, it looks at life with a certain kind of shade.
Once we pull ourselves out of that, and we realize that we're survivors that were strong, and were worthy of being loved. We not only give a different energy off to people, but we find that we are comfortable in our own skin, and we're good with that. So I do hope that this episode has been helpful. You know, I know that everyone's on a different path, you know, on the journey of life. And you may be far ahead on this journey further than I am, or you may be just starting, it doesn't matter. I do think that the core essential things that I've talked about here, no matter your age, no matter your part on the journey of life, that this will be helpful. So thank you, again, for taking the time to listen.
If this is your first time listening to the podcast, please visit letgoandbefree.com. Sign up for the newsletter there, you'll get a free ebook will help you with seven days of reflections that will kind of help you out. And also as a reminder, there are the let go and be free books for volumes that are available. And I just released the let go and be free notebook, which is 120 blank line pages. And there is a writing prompt or reflection sentence at the top of each page. So it's a nice little journal that you can write your thoughts and I share that because again, I'm trying to raise enough money to keep this podcast going for podcasting host posting fees and website fees. So I'd appreciate any help, you know, in kind of keeping this podcast going along, thanks. So thank you again so much for taking the time to listen. And as always be well.