Let Go and Be Free Podcast: Episode 16 (How to Deal with Anger)
Overcoming your anger over the past can be a challenging process.
How do you process anger?
Do you internalize it?
Lash out at others?
In this episode, I discuss identifying the anger we grew up, learn the differences of how we deal with that anger, and propose options on how to let go of anger in healthier ways.
Tips:
Daily journal writing
Attend therapy
Go to Adult Children of Alcoholics & Dysfunctional family meetings
Try out this yoga session: Fists of anger.
Want to learn more? Check out the Let Go and Be Free book series.
I’m not a medical expert. If you need help, please reach out to a medical professional.
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Transcript
Welcome to the let go and be free podcast, A podcast for those who grew up in an alcoholic or dysfunctional family. I'm your host, Ron Vitale, author of the Let Go and Be Free series for adult children of alcoholics. On this podcast, we'll talk about everything from dealing with ruminating thoughts, just stopping dysfunctional behaviors that you learned as a child. Together, we'll shine a light to dispel any shame you might feel about your upbringing, and learn practical tips that will help you live a healthier life.
If you'd like to learn more, feel free to visit, let go and be free.com. And welcome to this week's episode, I wanted to focus on some of the more complicated and difficult aspects of growing up and adult child of alcoholics like a family where you've, you've really suffered when you were younger. And you're living through all that dysfunction, like what do you do? How do you overcome some of the feelings process those feelings that you kind of grew up with, it's, it's not an easy thing to do. And I think it's one of those things that many people don't really talk about, especially, you know, in our society, it's, you know, you grew up the way you grew up, you get over it, and move on, and basically, forget about it, and you're gonna be fine kind of thing.
Like, set it and forget it. And that's not necessarily the best type of advice on how to deal you know, with with an emotion such as anger, and in, in modern society, to having that anger and dealing with it, it can be you know, especially if you're a male, there's the whole toxic masculinity. If you're, you know, female, the struggles of, if you express anger, you may be looked down upon frowned on called names, because, you know, that's not quote, unquote, your place to be able to express anger. So it's a complicated, you know, aspect. But I want to look at it from a different perspective of, you know, when I think back to my childhood, and all the things that happened, even without going into the nitty gritty specifics, you know, and I've said this before, I like to focus on I've told my story, you know, in therapy, you know, adult children of alcoholics meetings, I don't necessarily feel at least this point in my life, that I'm going to drag other people's names through the mud, I just don't think that that's really helpful.
You know, to do, I'm gonna focus more on generic, like, I statements of like, this is what I did, you know, and focus on that. And what I remember from those, that period of time is when I was young, and my parents who are going through, you know, a divorce, I had so many feelings of lack of control, like fear, fear of abandonment, fear of not knowing what was coming next.
Worry or anxiety. And then, you know, after those feelings dissipated, because things settled after a while, you know, there was the stress of living through the situation of what we were going through, there was a divorce, moving in with my grandparents. And then at that point, there was a different family dynamic. And that also turned into Yes, it was stable. Yes, I, you know, had a place to live, we had food, you know, and the basics, but then a lot of anger kind of welled up from within me.
And I think, you know, when I, when I remember why it was just seeing the situation of what was going on around me is that I still had no control, you know, over my, my situation of what what had happened, you know, I was in, you know, I was in an environment where I was being taken care of, but I can see how hard you know, it was for my mom to be able to, you know, help pay, you know, for food and utilities and for us to go to school, etc, etc, etc. And so, I placed a lot of my anger, you know, at my father thinking like, Hey, you You know, you weren't there, you abandon us, you know, we didn't get child support. After certain amount of time at the beginning, excuse me, we didn't see him.
And for years upon years upon years, it was like, he fell off the face of the planet. And so there was a lot of resentment, that, you know, the best way I can, I can talk about it is, when I would remember things from the past, it was as though I had a, like, a piece of coal, you know, that I was like, squeezing into a diamond, you know, that that's how my anger was, like, literally crystallized in my memory over time. And it was not, who was not healthy, to have that anger, you know, and to bear that, to have that weighing on me.
You know, as a kid, I didn't know what to do with that anger, you know, I had it. And I would sometimes use it as a source of fuel. You know, as a kid, I wore glasses, I threw myself into my schoolwork. You know, I was made fun of called four eyes, you know, I was skinny, I, people making fun of me, call me wrote man, because I was, you know, so skinny.
And it was a lot of those things of growing up and not having a father to mentor me, you know, to help me understand and get through the world, you know, like, dating or overcoming a bully.
Any of those things, it's just, I just didn't have, you know, someone that that I could identify with, that was, you know, a male, strong male role model. I mean, I had my grandfather, and he did the best that he could. And I, there were some things that he could help me with, you know, such as, oh, let me teach, you know, throwing a ball and riding a bike, those kinds of things. But my grandfather came from a different generation. And we didn't have these, like, sit down conversations, where we would talk about feelings, or you know, what to do.
When you're angry, none of that ever happened. And so, over time, I just did the best I could, you know, with anger, I, you know, you watch TV, you watch movies, you see what your favorite heroes do, you know, in life, and you try to, you know, emulate that you try anything you possibly can. And at the time that I grew up, you know, in the, the 70s, and 80s, you know, when I was a teenager, you know, in the, in the 80s there wasn't this, at least for me, there wasn't like, oh, well, you can go to therapy, and, you know, talk about your anger there, that that wasn't even like a possibility for me, and did no clue about any of that.
So, as I, you know, as I grew up, I did the best I could, but unfortunately, you know, when it when it came to anger, I just didn't learn the proper skills, of how to how to deal with that. And, at some point, you know, anger can be a useful tool that could get you through, if you're scared, get you through, you know, a complicated situation. But anger can also be used as a, like a negative weapon. You know, if if, you know, you're in a relationship and you you fly off the handle, you lash out all the time, that's not necessarily going to make you easy to work with. Same thing, if you're in a, you know, work, if you're always angry, and you're always freaking out, like, Oh, my boss, this, my boss that and if you're not able to solve problems, and you just automatically, like fly off the handle, people are not going to want to work with you. So, how to deal with that anger? You know, it takes time to figure that out.
And, you know, for me, the, the path that I decided to take was more of the, I use anger as a tool, you know, anger to fuel me, you know, if if something was going bad I could, I can use that anger to get me by. Whereas I know other people have used anger and eternalized it you know, like, I'm angry at myself because I don't know I'm not good enough for some such thing. And taking things out on oneself with that anger, that that isn't the path that I took my my path. I guess if if you can look back, you know, fight or flight.
You know, with our, you know, the lizard like instincts in our brain from how we evolved as humans. For me, I would fight, you know, like, if if something went bad, then I would lash out, I would, I would get angry, you know, blow up that kind of thing. And I think when I put that in perspective, the type of family that I grew up when, and this might say, seems stereotypical to share. And I'm not saying that all families are this way, but, you know, in my family, we were Irish Catholics. And we were told, you know, we're more, you know, Italians, Italian, Irish Catholics.
And so, the Italian and us, it was, you know, quote, unquote, natural to be emotional, and, and to feel all these things and to get expressive, overly expressive. And in my memories, you know, once we moved in, with my family, there were my grandparents, and that became the new nuclear family for me, you know, I'd see my grandparents and how they argued, and typically we get to a point where one of them will get angry and blow up at the other. And it would be a big blow up big argument, like screaming, you know, yelling kind of thing.
And then it would just, within hours, just like, settle down as though there was like a steam vent, and somebody had to, like, turn that men on to release some of that energy out, and then it would levels would normalize and become, okay, again, and the balance and the family would return. So, that's, that's the type of environment, you know, that I grew up in, and that like, if my brother and I would argue, we would argue, there'd be a big blow up, and then it would settle back down again, you know, or fight with anybody in the family, that's how it was dealt, not necessarily resolved.
But that's how it was dealt. Whereas other families, I noticed, it was, it was different, you know, in the entirely opposite way, people would be angry at each other, and there would be like, somebody would get the silent treatment, or, you know, there would be this like resentment, quiet resentment, white, hot, anger, resentment, no words would be spoken. But you would understand and read between the lines and know that there was this like, argument going on in a family. And people would either repress that anger, and take it out in other ways.
You know, or it just would, like, you know, fizzle out over time, but you would see that resentment grow, and then suddenly, you know, subside, again, like, it was almost like, watching a high tide come in, you know, and worrying that it was going to turn into a tsunami, and it never did. But, you know, you would wonder, like, where did that energy go? Where did that anger go? So, and I'm not saying these are just the, the only two options, but they were the ones that I noticed the most, you know, as a kid, and like, in other families, and like, my family, and my family was the, you know, we would argue, we were the loud family, you know, and then that same, we did this all the time, but like, when an argument would come up, it would tend tend to blow up, and then quickly subside.
So that's the, the style that I took, you know, as I got into relationships, and I quickly found out that that didn't necessarily match well, with other people's style. Not everybody, you know, acted that way. You know, some people, you know, that I dated when when arguments would come up, you know, and we are you would, would not understand where I was coming from. And it was embarrassing for me, because I was trying to, to emulate what I thought was the right way to solve a problem, and it would just make things worse.
So, I, you know, tried to learn as best I could, and, you know, over through therapy and such, you know, I've learned healthier ways of dealing with anger. But when I go back, and I think about why I was that way, there was a lot of resentment, you know, toward my father of what happened when, you know, we were young, and having that sense of abandonment of like, you know, things are hard. You know, my mom was working full time, we barely have a month, not enough money to kind of scrape by, you know, things such as not getting a birthday card, or Christmas card, you know, or not seeing or hearing from someone for so many years.
You know, and then seeing other families and seeing, you know, at least outwardly of like, Oh, how wonderful everything all is for them. Where's your father, you know, what happened to you, your family, you know, and the embarrassment shame of everything that I went through because I couldn't tell the stories that I knew, you know, that happened, because it would even put more shame on my family, you know, it was this unspoken rule, not to say anything, you know, and then getting through life. And then stumbling upon a, an old family picture and seeing your father's face literally blacked out with a black marker is though, the past could just be erased, and it couldn't, because those memories would stay, you know, in my head. And I took some of that energy and applied it into creativity. You know, like journal writing, and such. I stumbled upon that as a way of processing and dealing with my emotions. But I still didn't understand how to overcome, you know, anger in arguments and how to best do that.
And I'll, you know, I'll be the first to admit that even today, decades later, I still don't have this, like, totally solved. It's not like, you know, I have all my emotions under check. And I'm perfectly fine. So there was a, there was a story I saw yesterday, it's all trending on Twitter. And I didn't go too far into it, but it's, you know, Tom Hanks, and his wife. And when you think of Tom Hanks, you know, I always think of like, this amazing man, great actor. even keeled really, like, you know, every everyday man, you know, great, Father, great person. And there's this video of him. And he's getting really angry. And he uses the F word. And he's freaking out.
And I'm trying to understand, like, what is going on. And so he's got the paparazzi, like, all these photographers and people chasing him and his wife not chasing, but they're like, living on top of him, as he comes out of a restaurant is trying to get into a limo. And so, you know, his wife is trying to move faster to get out of the way. Because all these people were like, we're on top of them, and she trips and like, nearly falls, and he stops, turns around, puts his arms up like in front of him. And like, puts his hands out, like he's putting up a shield, and he just says back that eff off. Like he just like lo totally unloads on people, you can see that he's livid.
And that is extremely angry. And now people are talking like, Oh, Tom Hanks, and, you know, feeling this way and this and that. And so, you know, when, when you think about anger and frustration, typically what what tends to happen is when someone either feels cornered, or there's, there's this overwhelming challenges that come up, someone's defenses come up. And in this case, you know, from what I can see from the video is that Tom Hanks was like, really upset that his wife was gonna get hurt, you know, and she nearly fell, and he just had had enough, and then you can see his, you know, he just was like, turn around, blew up, like, basically stop, and just, like, put all his energy, and, and, you know, anger out. And I can understand that, you know, having been in situations where, you know, you're either you feel like you're being attacked or being overcome, and that, you know, instinct just rises within you, you know, whereas, it's, it's difficult at any time to turn around and talk, like, you know, hey, look, guys back off, I, you know, you give us some space. In the moment, sometimes when we're at our lowest we do, like, you know, snap, and in seeing, and seeing that I can identify, I've been in situations, you know, obviously, I don't have the pop, paparazzi chasing after me. But I have been in situations where you feel like you're being ganged up on, you know, and you feel like, you know, you got to put up a defense to be able to protect yourself or protect the loved one.
And so, anger, you know, when you when you look at that emotion, any emotion is, is really neither positive or negative. It's how we process it. What do we do with the neural pathways with it? Do we let it simmer within us? Do we accept the emotion that we're feeling? And how do we handle it and dissipate it in a healthy way, rather than in a dysfunctional way? And so, the complications, you know, in my past, and I expect many other people's past, is that, you know, if you grew up in an alcoholic or dysfunctional family, if there were drugs, if there were alcohol, substance abuse, whatever was going on in the family, you know, domestic violence, whatever that was, typically, you know, anger, resentment, fear, like those core emotions are bubbling up with what you grew up with.
And so when you now are, you know, an adult, and you're working to overcome those emotions, now, the tendency might be to repeat patterns of what you saw in the past, either lashing out, or repressing, and, you know, taking that own anger out on yourself, you know, shaming yourself, you know, we're overeating, or substance abuse yourself, or we're acting like an alcoholic and behavior patterns. And not necessarily doing a drink, like taking a drink, or, you know, or drugs or anything of that nature, it can be very complicated. And so, with those circumstances, you know, I can't say that there's an easy fix, the ones that we know, you know, go to therapy, and you might say, I don't have the money, or I don't have healthcare, I don't this, then try adult children of alcohol meaning so that you can listen to other people's stories, and find, you know, the guidance of the 12 steps to help you. That may or may not necessarily be your path, either.
There might be other paths there that are available out there for you. But for the ones that I find to be really helpful, I don't focus on this episode is like on the anger issue, I have found therapy to be really good, you know, talking to a therapist about my emotions. And typically, what has then come out of that is, you know, either daily, or several times a week of journal writing, to write about my feelings, you know, there is power. And I've mentioned this before, of sitting down and either taking a piece of paper and a pen, or pencil, or sitting in a computer and just typing away how you feel.
And some of the exercises that I've also seen to be really helpful dealing with past anger, or even anger in a current situation is to write a letter to someone that you're angry about, or situation, right, whatever you want. Just don't send yourself whatever you want, and then burn the letter, you know, to that, that symbolic releasing of I've gotten these feelings out.
And I'll let them sit with me for a little bit. And then I'm going to actively let them go but burning the letter, you know, or, if you want to be healthier for the environment, use the computer and then when you're done, don't save the file, no auto save, just close the program, you know, and you'll lose the you lose, everything will just dissipate and disappear into the magical ether of the electrons of your computer.
So one other tip that I wanted to share, and I tried this for the first time a couple years ago, and I was like, I don't know, I'll try I'll try something new. Who knows. There is a yoga practice that I stumbled upon, and it's called fists of anger. And there is a YouTube link, I will put it in the show notes. It's a YouTube that's been up for video been up on YouTube for a bunch of years. And it doesn't have like a ton of views Scott something like 12,000 views or so. But I found that to be helpful, though much harder than I expected.
Basically, you you sit down, and most of the work is in this yoga session is through breathing and moving your arms almost like sort of like punching the air. And like breathing in and out like really fast. I'll tell you if you're going through a rough time. And you're you're struggling with this anger and it's like seething within you. You do this fist of anger and by the time you've done this, I think it's I forget if it's like 10 minutes or I honestly I can't remember but I it seemed like it took forever. For me when you know the last time I did this because it was hard that you're doing this breathing and you moving you know your your hands, you know up in the air. And by the time that was done, I had no anger left because I was so physically tired from from doing that yoga exercise. Again. It wasn't wasn't like stretching. It wasn't on my back. I just remember being seated, doing the breathing. Exercise really quickly.
Like I think you're doing it you're asked to breathe in and out really quick. And then like punch at the air. So I'd say you know, if you're in decent health, go ahead and do that. Obviously check with your doctor to make certain that that this exercise would be one, that would be good for you. So, I wish I could say that, you know, dealing with anger, as with anything in the journey of an adult child of an alcoholic, there isn't a light switch, you know, just telling you the straight truth, it's, it's not, oh, do this one thing. And you're magically never going to feel that again, that's just, that's just not the truth.
It's a process, it takes time. It takes practice. And I found that it takes a bunch of skills. You know, it takes learning how to moderate your emotions and express them in healthy ways. And that means learning different aspects of communication. When you're angry, sometimes you need to have time. So you can process that anger, write it out, talk it out, then go back to the person and speak to that individual to be able to resolve problems. It's not just simply blow up, you feel better, and the world is right as rain and you move on, it's having difficult conversations, listening, when you're having difficult conversations, because maybe there's something that you actively did, and you were in the wrong.
And it's not just simply saying I'm sorry, it's understanding that you accept that you did something wrong, you tell the person that you hear them, and you understand where they're coming from, you talk about how you feel using if statements, and then come to a resolution of how to move forward. You know, and that moving forward might be, you know, sometimes friendships, people go separate ways. Or if it's in a job, you decide to leave the job, or they decide to leave you by firing you, you know, it can be very complicated. Some of these circumstances that come up, it's not always a black or white, it can be a gray issue. And when you overlay your past, of what happened to you as a kid, and how you dealt with anger, and how you deal with anger today, that adds another layer of complexity, you know, to the process of how to deal with anger, you know, in the current in the present time. So I hope that this has been helpful. That one acknowledgement that, you know, we all go through the process of expressing and feeling anger, understanding, identifying how we do that is critical.
And then understanding what is healthy, and how to process anger. It's not saying to yourself, I don't want to feel anger, it's experiencing the emotion, expressing it in a healthy way, and dissipating it so that way, you don't live a life of feeling angry all the time. That's where we're trying to get. And that's what takes time. So again, thank you so much for listening to me, I appreciate you taking the time. If you'd like to learn more, you can visit let go and be free.com you can sign up for the newsletter there and get a free ebook, which will help you kind of gives you some daily reflections, seven daily reflections to be able to help you out on your journey. And I asked that, you know, again, if you liked this podcast, please support it by telling others about it. And there's also the let go and be free series the books that I have written you just type in let go and be free Ron Vitale into any you know, search engine for any of the major stores Barnes and Noble, Amazon, etc.
And you'll see that there are four volumes there if you're looking to support the show, to help pay for the cost of podcasts hosting, webcast, web site hosting and etc. I'd appreciate that. So, as always, thank you so much again for listening, and be well.