Let Go and Be Free Podcast: Episode 13 (How not to Give Up Hope)
Welcome to the thirteenth episode.
With challenges overcoming the pandemic, gun violence, and a whole laundry list of issues in America as well as issues within our own families, how do we stay hopeful?
But also, when do we need to let go and move on?
In this episode, I talk through my own struggles with wanting to give up hope and why it's important to remain open to change.
We are imperfect people and the journey that we are on is imperfect as well.
Take time to recharge, heal yourself, and find peace. Hope is always available to us if we're willing to be patient.
Want to learn more? Check out the Let Go and Be Free book series.
I’m not a medical expert. If you need help, please reach out to a medical professional.
Listen to the podcast on:
RSS feed (copy and paste the link into your podcast app)
Transcript
Welcome to the let go and be free podcast, A podcast for those who grew up in an alcoholic or dysfunctional family. I'm your host, Ron Vitale, author of the Let Go and Be Free series for adult children of alcoholics. On this podcast, we'll talk about everything from dealing with ruminating thoughts, just stopping dysfunctional behaviors that you learned as a child. Together, we'll shine a light to dispel any shame you might feel about your upbringing, and learn practical tips that will help you live a healthier life. If you'd like to learn more, feel free to visit, let go and be free.com.
And welcome to this week's episode. The past week, here in America has been filled with tragedy and lots of people doing soul searching, I'm recording this movie in your past probably, you know, won't seem as relevant when you listen to this, but I'm trying to record these in advance so that way, I have some time to spend with my family.
So I record them very early in the morning on Saturdays. And this past week has been challenging on a personal front, dealing with some financial struggles, as well as what's going on, you know, in the world. And there was the massacre in Texas at the elementary school this past week, and it's been on my mind. So I had thought about what episode, you know what topic I wanted to talk in an episode. And I guess the the importance of hope and not giving up is this forefront of my mind. And you might say Well, that's wonderful, great, but what does that have to do with, you know, the 12 steps and adult children of alcoholics journey?
And I think, you know, my main message this week is that often people are looking for this like magical solution, you know, it's going to be this one thing that's going to change everything and make everything go all right. You know, if we look at the fairy tales, you know, Cinderella looks to her fairy godmother who's going to save the day and give her a beautiful dress and ever meet the Prince and she's going to meet the Prince and live happily ever after me. You can even hear my voice. The sarcasm that's kind of, you know, seeping through as I as I say that statement.
You know, and I, as I am a fiction writer, and I've written four novels soon be a fifth novel about Cinderella, and what happens afterward. You know, after she meets the prince, I like to focus on like the reality of things. I mean, I love fantasy, and deal with science fiction, and, you know, fantasy magic with wizards and witches and all that wonderful stuff, where I use my creativity, and how that creativity helped me survive, the upbringing that I had, and the challenges and the problems that are going on. And, you know, what I learned at a very young age is that there, there isn't this one little thing that's going to make everything better, you know, you can think you're going to take the diet pill and it's going to make you lose all this weight, you can think that, you know, the fairy godmother is going to save and rescue, you know, Cinderella, you can think all these things, but at the end of the day, it really does take work.
And you know, that work isn't just, you know, let's say physical work, in the sense of like, you go to work every day or, you know, if you take care of a family, there's a lot of work involved with that and raising children or, you know, you've got your animals, the dogs are bills to pay we're struggling to deal with, like, all of that is not easy.
And it's it can be challenging at times to remain focused and to remain, you know, hopeful in times when there doesn't seem to be hope. And I know, you know, in the last two plus years, with what the world has been dealing with, with the pandemic, how so many people have written the pandemic office like we've solved that and it's over, even though cases are rising here in America, and, you know, death rates are still happening every day, hundreds per day. And people are like, wow, I don't care about that. I'm fine.
Ain't everything's wonderful, you know, just keep going denial and moving onward. Yet with hope, and facing, you know, one's challenges, you know, I believe it's important to kind of look oneself in the mirror and be like, Okay, this is what I'm dealing with, these are the things that I can control. You know, these are things that I can't, and knowing the difference between those, and then focusing on, you know, positive habits, and building out over the long term, how you're gonna be able to, to move through the world? And that is not a sexy answer. I know, it isn't. You know, everybody wants the quick path. And, you know, I can tell you, I've been working, you know, on myself, with my, how I interact with people, you know, in relationships. And there is, I've not found one answer.
And I've not found the magical cure that fixes everything, it just doesn't exist. I think, what's important, important, you know, having that pragmatic view, is realizing that we are imperfect, people, like we're just imperfect, we can do the best that we can, we will fall, we will make mistakes. And then when we come into those challenges, what are we going to do are we going to give up, are we going to throw our hands in the air and say, I'm just going to ignore everything and live in my own little bubble. And that can mean so many different things. It can be in relationships, it can be with how you deal with yourself, it could be with how you deal with your community, you know, or your country, there's so many different ways that this can be applied. And I think, you know, I, you know, I, when I was younger, I think I was much more of an optimist, because I believed in the power, you know, if you put your mind to it, you would be able to easily obtain your goal, if you just your willpower can get you where you need it to go. And in some ways, that's true. And in other ways, you know, when you're trying to deal with larger systems, it's not true.
And this is where, you know, there's a fine line between having hope, you know, and then when is it important to kind of give up? And that they even might be a weird thing to say, like, why is he talking about giving up? So I have had, you know, the opportunity to be in contact with many people over the years, who have a parent who's struggling with some type of an addiction, and the complications that are there, you know, can be devastating to that person. You know, if you're a child, you might have conflicting emotions, about your parent, you know, might love your parent, you might hate your parent, it might be across have something in between, the same thing might be true of a partner that's struggling with, you know, addiction. And, you know, you're caught in that middle of, what do you do? You know, do you have hope? Do you give up?
I can't answer that question for you. You know, what I would suggest is that you work with those feelings with a professional therapist, to be able to help discern and figure out what is healthy for you, what will be good for you the boundaries that you need to set. But in this episode, I just wanted to focus more about hope. And that in times of tragedy, and you know, in darkness, you know, thinking about the, the early days of the pandemic, when, you know, the first wave and so many people were dying per day. And then even, you know, the winter before we had the vaccines and how many people were dying and getting sick, and nobody quite knew what was going to go on.
And was this the end of, you know, normality is, as we knew it, that the challenges there were were great. And then, at a local level, you know, and I've talked about this in an earlier episode, the alcohol consumption, you know, went up addiction rates throughout the United States, people have died of overdoses, I mean, everything has increased, you know, gun violence has increased, car accidents have increased, like just, you know, the system in which we live, the society that we interact with the pandemic, you know, directly or indirectly has affected all of us, and how each of us have decided to live with that and to move on and to learn better ways of coping and thriving and surviving, is, is complicated to say the least. And so now, you know, we're in a world where, at least here in America, excuse me, just the violence that's taking place, you know, in our schools with our children.
You know, shopping, I mean, it's in churches is, it's really disgusting, and depressing and demoralizing. And that's at a societal level, then when you come back down to your own personal level, and the challenges that you're dealing with, you know, your own struggles with growing up in an alcoholic, you know, dysfunctional family, and, and how do you overcome those things? What if you've been struggling with these things for years or decades?
And you still don't feel like you got it? Right? You know, how do you have that hope? You know, I will say this, you know, when I was younger, I was a religious person, I would go to church a lot, my family went to church, I was raised Catholic. And then as I got older, it was it was 19, there was a situation that occurred to me, and this is something that, you know, I think I've written about in the past, and I've talked about it to friends, it's not anything that is new, but it might be new to this, this audience to this group of listeners, I remember going to mass with my mom of Saturday night.
And right in front of me was about almost midway through through the service, the an older man in front of me started having problems, like breathing. And he didn't collapse per se, but he kind of, you know, sat down, and you could tell he wasn't feeling well. And so, you know, we're all standing around him and trying to figure out, you know, how best to help him and, you know, obviously, 911 was called, and then he, you know, the paramedics came through the mass, while the mess still was going on.
They, you know, took the gentleman out, and they left. And, you know, my at the time, you know, I'm 19 years old, and I'm thinking and praying for this guy, and I want to make sure he's going to be healthy, and he's going to be okay. And the priest just kept going on with the masses, though nothing out of the ordinary had taken place. Even when the the paramedics came across with the stretcher, like, you know, in front of the church, and it was, like, we probably have in the back of church are probably thinking, like, What in the world is going on? And so they, they took the gentleman out, and I never found out what happened, you know, to the to the gentleman. And so I'm sitting there, you know, and we're going through the motions of the bass, and my mind, obviously was distracted. And the priest came to the point called, you know, the homily. And that's where the priests supposed to tell the story to, you know, the congregation about how the gospel relates to, you know, what's going on in the world in our everyday lives.
And he made a comment of like, let's pray for brother John, you had some trouble breathing. You know, I said, this one line. And then he just went on with his normal homily. And I thought that that was such a missed opportunity, that I thought that he could have used that time to say, we are all here together. And we never know when the preciousness of life will be taken from us or the challenges that we need to go through. And let's take a moment now together as a community, and let's pray, you know, for this person, and I just thought that there was such a better way that that could have been handled. And again, I'm like, 19, so I don't have a lot of experience. And I thought, I thought my idea was a lot better than just, you know, saying, oh, yeah, hope he's okay. Meanwhile, let me just tell you what I wanted to talk about. Because, you know, that's what was on my mind. And I, I got so angry, you know, that, that I got up and I left the church. I'd literally just said to my mom, I can't stay here anymore. I'm leaving, and I left. And, you know, I've gone to church a few times since then for weddings and funerals and such over the years. But at that time, I made a decision.
And that, you know, God and spirituality and, you know, religious doctrine. What did I want to do with that, and where was my hope, and my hope is not in the buildings, or the men, especially with all the sexual abuse cases that have come out of the Catholic Church. It is not with that that's not where my hope lies, my hope, lies and more of a spiritual connection with a oneness with God with the universe and understanding my own personal connection with God. And so, you know, I made the choice to change things, and to go on a different path, and to learn about, you know, everything I could about spirituality, focusing on the 12 steps, and how can I apply that to my life, I didn't give up hope. I changed my hope of what wasn't serving me anymore. I made a decision to go in a different direction.
For right or wrong, it's what I chose to do. And I've not regretted that, you know, decision. I like to question authority. And I think that has a lot to do with how I was raised in seeing how a lot of the authority figures in my life, were making very questionable choices, to put it very delicately. And I think I lost a lot of faith in seeing how the adults in my life acted, and how they treated themselves or treated their partners. I just saw a lot of lack there. And I would say, you know, even over the years through my jobs, I've seen, you know, situations where I'm just like, No, I'm not, you know, I'm not going to drink the Kool Aid as the, you know, as the slang goes, I'm not going to, you know, fall into the cult of, we must all believe that this is a good thing, just because everybody says it is a question that, and, you know, that kind of puts me out as an outlier at times.
But I also see it as something that's necessary, you know, of questioning that, you know, for myself, my relationships, my connection with, you know, the outer world, my community, I like to ask questions, you know, such as, is this good for me? Is this healthy? Is this whatever? Why are we doing it this way? You know, why can't we solve this problem, especially when I think of, you know, a gun massacres that have taken place?
So recently, in America, why are we not doing Acts about the pandemic? Why are we denying why or why why. And, for me, the hope comes in that the simplest decisions at a local level, can make such a vast improvement, not only in our own lives, but in other lives. And it doesn't necessarily have to be these grand gestures. It could be something as simple as holding a door for somebody. And just being polite, you know, in the hope of, we can come together, you know, as a people, we can come together as a family, and solve problems and to move forward.
And I, you know, I can all hear, you know, the feedback from this of like, yeah, that's just not possible. Here's what I mean by that is, if, you know, and I look back, and you know, see how my father was, and he was the person that he was and didn't change, like he just he did the things that he did. And I heard about those. And I, I talked to him that time that I had mentioned on the podcast, that he'd come therapy and with me, and he explained the things that he had done to my mom, and we got to talk that all out. And none of that made any of what he did go away.
And he didn't change because I heard other stories of, you know, things he had done and run and see it had with the police. And I guess the hope for me, isn't necessarily that a particular person will change. The hope is that I have the opportunity to grow and to live a different path. And when I say about hope of family, I've also found over the years that some of the closest connections that I've had, are not necessarily with my blood family, but with friends that I have met along the way A, and they have become my family. And that, you know, some might be like, Whoa, you know, they're not family, to me they are.
Family is a choice, you know, to me because I didn't have, you know, the luxury of, you know, having a father in my life. I had to, you know, be creative and, and find different avenues of, of hope, you know, and health for myself and boundaries for myself and go on a path of figuring out who I was, why would I act or react in certain ways, and why I struggle with certain things even till today. And you know, that hope that's there. It's at the core of who I am, in that, I don't believe that people were born evil, I don't believe that everyone is 100% Eve or 100%. Good. I do believe that there's possibility in each of us. And each day, there is an opportunity for us to make different choices, to struggle to fall, to pick ourselves up. And to move on. That I have seen, you know, change and goodness happen within myself. And the choices that I've made, as well as I have made some really dumb and bad choices.
But at the same time, once I've made amends, with myself, and with those, you know, that I have had a problem with, I move forward and keep trying. And I think that's the key message here is like, we're never going to make this finish line of everything is complete. You know, we are imperfect, every day is a new opportunity. Or, you know, if we flip it every day could be a struggle, it could be a, you know, a burden. It's how we choose to move forward.
You know, and I, you know, it's it's difficult, because there have been times where, you know, I have lost hope and say, What are we going to do? How are we going to move forward. And then I need to fall back on, you know, what works for me to kind of heal myself. And to kind of regroup. Typically, that means taking a break from whatever I'm working on, get some sleep, take a walk, write about my feelings, you know, talk to trusted friends, you know, regroup with, okay, what is the path forward, and then move forward. Sometimes that means letting something go, and moving onward relationships, accepting that they're not going to work out the way you thought they were. And moving on, I've had to do that, you know, in my life, and it's been painful, I've had to do that with you know, relatives, that you just realize they're not going to be the person that you want in your life. And what I mean by that is, if someone is toxic, and is going to harm you or create a problem for you in the sense that their behavior is causing you all kinds of angst and anxiety and stress and hurt.
Sometimes you need to put that boundary up and to move away, you know, and to focus on what is good for you. And these are not easy choices and decisions to make. But the hope lies in the fact that we have the ability to build bridges, with ourselves, with our family members, and with our friends, and build new relationships. As we move forward. You know, I look back and I see some of the relationships that you know, and been in those early relationships. I've talked in the previous episodes, and the stupid mistakes that I've made and how afterward I just grieved and just really berated myself or like, you know, things I've said or things that I've done or falling in love with somebody and realizing that the whole thing was just not going to work out. But I threw all my energy into it.
And then there was that point where I had to come to a decision of like, well what do I do now? And so what I found is make new friends and put myself out there of going to adult children of alcoholic meetings and you know, going to therapy and doing self help work. Like you know self parenting work, reading books, like make decisions with things that were going to work for me instead of just focusing only on negativity and Oh, what was me?
You know, instead of the self pity, looking in the mirror and be like, Yeah, you know what you fell in this trap again, and you did the same thing you may have done before, that's not cool, you know, and that you fell in love with someone and that relationship didn't last because it was the same pattern of things that you've done again in the past, what are you going to do differently this time? How are you going to take care of yourself.
And for me, the hope that's there is the light, that kind of leads us forward, that it's not always darkness, even in like the tragedies that have happened in the last couple of weeks here. You know, in America, there are people that are volunteering, there's people that are helping others, there are millions of people, you know, that are reaching out, and helping others in ways that we may not even know and see.
And so I think the beauty of life, and what we're living through is the complexity of it. And at the local level, it's the same thing. We're not all just one thing, we're not all just bad, we're not all just good. We're where people were the full range of human emotions, and accepting that, embracing that, and moving forward with making choices that are healthy for us, us on a daily basis. That's what gives me hope, that every day is a new opportunity, every moment, I have an opportunity to take a different path than let's say what my grandparents did, or what my parents did. And I look at that lineage, and see where things are, and my ancestors and where things, you know, started out and where things are now, and then seeing, you know, my children and the choices that they're making, you know, none of it is a perfect straight line, it is very complicated. But I do see that there has been progress in how relationships had been formed, how people treat each other, the bonds of family, things have gotten better.
So I just want to share with you that, you know, I understand that sometimes things are extremely dark. And it just seems that there's no hope. And it might feel that way for some time. And I'm hoping that if you're listening to this, and you're going through that, that you will reach out to somebody you will, you know, if you need professional help, you will reach out, you will talk to someone, you will give yourself the opportunity and to hope to have a better tomorrow, that it doesn't always have to be bad, that there is light, there is a chance to move forward. It may not be easy. It may not be the magic pill, the fairy godmother, the waving of the wand, it might be as simple as the first step forward.
So I wanted to share that this week, because it's been a hard week. Again, on a personal level. It's been really difficult for me. And I almost didn't record this week I was you know, I've got a few of these recorded in advance again, so they can spend time with my family. And I'm like, Oh, I can I could kind of take off this week and give myself a chance to rest. And I thought you know what, when I'm not at my best, and I feel kind of down and struggling myself. I think it's important that I share that. So that it's not, you know, every episode is everything's great and wonderful. That's not true. So, I wanted to share this episode of hope with you, and I really do. I do hope that some of my words will be of comfort for you. That all was not lost. So thank you for tuning in this week. And I appreciate it. And as always, be well.