Let Go and Be Free Podcast: Episode 10 (Making Amends)
Welcome to the tenth episode.
On this week's episode, I talk about the importance of making amends. What does that mean? Who should we make amends with? When should and shouldn't we?
I share the fourth, eighth, and ninth steps from Adultchildren.org and talk through the complexities of how to make amends and the importance of our also contining to do a thorough inventory on our actions.
Learning new skills on how to have healthy reactions helps us to have fulfilling relationships rather than replicating unhealthy behaviors we learned as children growing up in an alcoholic and dysfunctional family.
Want to learn more? Check out the Let Go and Be Free book series.
I’m not a medical expert. If you need help, please reach out to a medical professional.
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Transcript
Welcome to the let go and be free podcast, A podcast for those who grew up in an alcoholic or dysfunctional family. I'm your host, Ron Vitale, author of The let go and be free series for adult children of alcoholics. On this podcast, we'll talk about everything from dealing with ruminating thoughts, to stopping dysfunctional behaviors that you learned as a child. Together, we'll shine a light to dispel any shame you might feel about your upbringing, and learn practical tips that will help you live a healthier life. If you'd like to learn more, feel free to visit, LetGoandBeFree.com.
Hello, everyone, and welcome to This Week show, we're gonna talk about making amends this week. And this is something that you might not have considered and thought of before. So I kind of wanted to break it down a little bit.
When you decide or if you decide I should say, to follow the 12 steps of adult children of alcoholics, steps eight and nine, I can be seen as a little difficult. So let me read Step eight, first, and then I'll quickly read Step nine, after it says step eight is make a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all. And then step nine is make direct amends to such people whenever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. So if you're new to the 12 step tradition, and you're trying to figure out like, you know, how do I overcome growing up in an alcoholic family dysfunctional family, and you decide to go on this path?
When you start reading through the 12 steps, you'll eventually get to step eight and step nine. And you might say, Well, wait a minute, why do I have to make amends? You know, to other people? Don't people have to make amends? To me, I think it's a it's a common reaction, to suddenly thinking through, like, wait a minute, all these things like I'm the victim, these things, you know, were done to me, I don't feel like I need to go back. I don't need to make amends. I don't need to apologize to the people who hurt me, that doesn't make any sense. And I hear you. And I'm not saying that I disagree with you.
The 12 Steps though, they flip things a little bit. And what I mean by that is the fourth step is make a searching and fearless, fearless moral inventory of ourselves. So a lot of times, and I know this is true in myself, and I'll share some stories with you is that if you grew up in an alcoholic, in dysfunctional family, you learned unhealthy behaviors. And most likely you have mirrored some of those unhealthy behaviors, in your own friendships, in your work relationships, in your romantic relationships, you know, maybe you're passive aggressive, maybe you lash out when you're under stress.
You know, maybe you you know, lie, because you don't want to take responsibility for you know what you're feeling. I mean, it could it could go on and on and on and on. So part of going through the 12 steps is basically parsing out within yourself of like, okay, look, these things happened to me, you know, when I grew up in this, you know, difficult situation, how did they affect me, and then when you start kind of parsing those feelings out, you see, wait a minute, I may not be drinking, but I have learned these unhealthy behaviors, and I am repeating those unhealthy behaviors in the relationships that I have, again, in friendships, and work relationships.
You know, in your romantic relationships, it could be something you know, such as, maybe you know, your work and you're a people pleaser, you always say yes, you will take on any project. Anything that your boss sends at you, even at your own detriment. And you take that on and on and on and on. But then there might be other areas of your life that you neglect because you're focusing only on work.
So maybe you're not spending time with your children or you're not spending time with your spouse, you're not even spending time with yourself because you're too busy focusing on you don't want to have conflict with an authority figure. And if you think that through a little bit, you know, having grown up in an alcoholic and dysfunctional family, your parents, your authority figures at that time, whatever stress, whatever, angst, whatever problems were unveiling themselves in that, you know, family unit, you took those feelings and those experiences.
And now when you're in a different situation with a different type of authority, how do you react to that? And so, when you go through the steps, and you're doing that fourth step in again, making a searching and fearless moral inventory of yourselves. One of the things that, you know, it's important to shine a light on is, what are your own faults? What are the quirks that you have within you? What behavior patterns are not serving you today? And how are you playing those out in your own relationships, that is a difficult step to go through. And just like the stages of grief, there's not like, Oh, I am in denial. And now I'm in anger. And now suddenly, I've gone through all the stages of grief, and I am just magically fine, and everything's wonderful. Typically, with the stages of grief, unfortunately, you might feel okay. And then you might go back to feeling denial, and then through anger, you'd be jumping around all through the various stages, until you get to the point to hopefully be able to process that grief, and then, you know, move forward from it, and let it go with the 12 steps.
Excuse me, there's not a clear finish line, you know, it's not like today I'm doing step one, and next month, I'm going to do step two, and you know, your for now, I will be done these steps. That's not how the 12 steps, you know, work, it's yes, you can go in sequential order, you can go out of order, you could do any order that you particularly want, most people start from like one and work their way up through 12, to learn what they are. And then you know, through the rest of their lives focus on kind of, you know, going through those steps.
As you go through, let's say, your, your, your daily process, or daily, your, your weekly routines, you bring them up and you say, You know what, I feel like I need to focus on this particular step right now, because I'm weak in this area, you know, I need to focus on, you know, step eight or Step nine, well, you know, where you might say, you know, what I have made, you know, I made amends to all the people that I could, you know, I'm going to move forward, and I'm going to focus more on myself. And, you know, there's many ways of going through the 12 steps, it's not like this prescribed, you know, schedule, where you're going to just, you know, check something off and just be fully finished for it forever. You know, some may hear that and, and be a little disappointed and think, wow, that's not what I've signed up for. Others might say, I like that challenge, because it allows me to have the flexibility to be able to, you know, over time, learn new things, or reflect on my, you know, on myself, and they like that. So, it really all depends on how you decide to kind of view things.
What I'm sharing here is, I personally think it is important to kind of reflect and be self reflective for, you know, my own life of like, what, what could I have done better in this particular circumstance? You know, what our own my own, you know, moral inventory that I've taken of myself, what, what things am I doing that are not serving me?
Well, and then what kind of comes out of that? Is when you think through and say, Okay, well, you know, I haven't focused on X, Y, or Z, you know, I've been focusing too much on work, I've been focusing, being pre occupied with other people's problems, and I'm not, you know, handling my own responsibilities or being accountable for my own problems. I'm living my life through other people's problems, because I feel like I can quote unquote, save them, or I could, quote unquote, help them, you know, because I quote, unquote, love them, you know, there's, there's things that if, you know, if you shine a light on your own behaviors, and the, your own problems that you have, by either writing them down or thinking them through, if you go on a walk, you know, this isn't something that it's not a having grown up in a Catholic, you know, family, it's not like I'm going to confession and I'm going to, you know, say the priest, you know, Father forgive me for I have sinned and, you know, whatever. Last week, I did these three things wrong, and I done that, you know, twice I did this or three times I did that. That's, that's not how I approach this. I look at it more as you know, what, what behavior patterns Am I duplicating?
And how are they serving me or not serving me? You know, how did that argument go? In a, let's say, with my daughter? What could I have done better? Was I a good listener? Did I talk over her that I tried to, you know, use my parental role to impose my, my will on a situation? And be like, No, you must do it this way? Or was I more accepting? And did I, you know, pull back a little bit and be more mindful of her feelings, like really thinking through, you know, a situation, especially when big problems come up in life, you know, like, you know, major life crises that come up by a breakup, losing a job or divorce or something like that. It's, I don't see the first step as beating myself up of like, oh, well, I suck, here's all these things that I've done wrong, I look at it as okay, I know that I grew up, you know, in an alcoholic, dysfunctional family, these are the behaviors that I have fallen into that, like that laundry list that I've talked about that is on adult children.org of the various behavior patterns, that people who grew up in an alcoholic and dysfunctional family tend to replicate. What are those? And then what am I doing today, you know, when I when I think through the different actions and things that I've gone through, so first, I like to, you know, filter out what, what things have affected me. And then I separate them as a separate column, what behavior patterns are affecting those in my life, you know, my co workers, my friends, my family, you know, my loved ones, my spouse, those, my children, those type of things.
And then from there, when you get to the step eight, about, you know, make a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all, and then make amends to those people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. That's a very interesting process of those steps. When you go through, you know, one, list out, who are the people that you have, you know, caused harm to, you know, did you, you know, have an argument with somebody, were yelling with somebody, did you lie? Did you cheat? Did you whatever, you know, whatever it is, this can be a very difficult step to go through. And it can also be very deceptive.
You know, one of the things that I have found in the past is like, when I first got started going through the steps, the my body and mind naturally start thinking of like, oh, well, you know, the ex girlfriend that I you know, that she dumped me, I need to make amends to her because I did all these horrible things. Like I said, these horrible things, and I regret them. And I, I want to apologize, the question to ask yourself at those times, you know, is, am I looking to make an amends to help them? Or am I making an amends for myself? Because either I want to see them again, or I haven't gotten over them, you know, and I, and this is this convenient opportunity to be able to get entangled with them again, I think that's a question that only you can honestly answer for yourself.
And it might be a really difficult thing. You know, there could be a circumstance where maybe you and a child of yours, let's say, in an adult child, someone and when I say adult child, someone who's over the age of 18, I'm using adult child, in that terminology, a child who has grown up and is out of your house, maybe you've had a big fight with that person, and you want to apologize to that person. That's great. But the question is, is the person able and once to hear you apologized and accept it? Or are you just trying to impose yourself on that person to again, try to get back into their life? That's a very, extremely difficult question to answer. And only you are going to be able to answer that question.
What I have found, you know, over time that especially when it comes to, let's say, an ex girlfriend, like a romantic relationship, sometimes it's best to let years go by, you know, before trying to make some kind of a contact if you're making an amends and keeping it short and sweet. By just making a simple apology and letting it go and then moving on and wishing that person well.
You know, other times it might be is best not to contact them at all because they don't want you to contact them because they had said to you, I don't want to talk to you ever again or whatever, I'm just making an example up, I think it's important to think that through, be honest with yourself, and, you know, this, this process is not something that again, you know, like you've got an X amount of time to complete this step, so that you can move on to Step 10. That's not really how this works.
You could, you could say, I'm going to focus this week, I'm going to contact this one person, and I'm going to apologize for things that you know, I've done. And there is something that I kind of hold close to my mind, when I think of making amends, it's really important to me, and it has a lot to do with my background, I remember, you know, growing up, you know, and again, and my family, and when, when I would do something wrong, I would go to my mom and apologize, and like, Oh, I'm so sorry, for doing XYZ. And she would get very stern with me and say, you know, I don't want your apology, I really want you to kind of focus on like, you know, not doing whatever you did again, and, and I didn't think that she was trying to be mean with that. But she would say, Your father used to say I'm sorry, I'm sorry, all the time. And then, you know, all the bad things that would happen again, and I again, that's their story to tell, I don't want to get into that. But he just, you know, would kept falling back into those behavior patterns, and then say, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, as though that would just absolve him from any, you know, guilt for the things that he had done.
And so that, you know, that really stayed with my mom, and she passed that on to me of like, you know, if you're with someone, and you do something wrong, focus on actually making a change in yourself. So that, you know, you don't do whatever you're apologizing. And it again, it could be, you know, extreme examples, cheating, or lying, or stealing or whatever. But it also could be, you know, simple things of someone wants to be treated with respect. So that if you get into an argument and you start yelling or cursing, if you do that repeatedly, you know, and then you apologize to that person, but then you still keep doing the same thing.
You're, you know, are you really making amends, you know, making amends might simply be hearing that person. And instead of saying, I'm sorry, the next time you're in an argument with them, you put into practice the various skills that that you're learning to say, I'm getting angry right now. You know, let's call a 15 minute timeout, I need to kind of focus this, this conversations going into, you know, round and round. And I feel like I need some time to kind of regroup. You know, and I guess what I'm saying is, there's ways of handling situations, instead of repeating the same old patterns. And when you make amends to somebody, this is difficult. It's not simply saying I'm sorry, but it's putting into practice, you know, what you're sorry about. And I have found that that can be a complex process that takes time.
And sometimes showing somebody something through your actions is much more powerful. You know, then a simple, I sat shot somebody in email that said, I am so sorry for all the bad things I've done in my life to you. And then like you wash your hands and cleanse yourself and like, Oh, look how great I am. Because I apologize to 10 people this week by sending them an email, and I feel so great. Let me pat myself on the back. That's not how I view these steps. I think it's much more self reflective, and to focus on, you know, my behaviors, what I have done, how have treated people, how can I become a better listener? How can I focus on, you know, the various aspects of myself that need self improvement? I don't look at this as I need to change myself or another person. That's not what I'm saying. I look at it as what do I need to grow? You know, what things behaviors in my life are holding me back? That if I were to think about it, think of it from a different perspective, if I would have empathy, and if I would have, you know, put myself in this other person's shoes, and I treated myself, you know, that way or I was treated that way. How would I feel?
You know, I really like to focus on these steps in in a way that's more I guess, like a 360 perspective, rather than a, you know, perfunctory? Oh, I am so sorry. And then you move on to somebody else.
That's why I think these steps can be extremely complicated at times, you know, and it could also then bring up, frankly, a lot of anger and, and frustration and confusion, because you might be thinking, like, well, I'm making these amends to these people in my life, but I never had the amends given to me, from the people that harmed me or caused me problems when I was a kid. And that's not fair. And I hear you. And unfortunately, sometimes, what we might want the most is not necessarily what we're ever going to get, you know, I have been, I have been, you know, working with people, I want to say, working friendly with, you know, and listening to stories from other people who have grown up in an alcoholic and dysfunctional family. And I've heard their stories where literally people's dying, you know, breaths are, they still want to drink, and they're not able to stop drinking, you know, and as the adult child, I'm hearing these stories about, you know, even at the end, the person could not, could not let go of, you know, that addiction that they had.
And there's never going to be that, you know, understanding and connection and an apology, and change of behavior where a child would hear their parent who was struggling with addiction to say, I choose you over the drink, you know, I've seen so many stories, you know, over the years, where people are suffering, and they just want their parent to, to choose them, you know, over the drug, or the alcohol, or whatever the addiction is. And unfortunately, you know, often that doesn't come to be, and to go through the 12 steps, and, you know, let's say, step four, and eight, nine, then focus on you know, this week, to see your own, you know, that own problems that you have caused, that you know, things that you have done, and doing that moral inventory and owning up to that, and being accountable for that, when your parents may not have done that to you, or ever done that to you, and you may never get that closure from them, like the words of I'm sorry, for, you know, choosing alcohol over you, I'm sorry for you letting violence, you know, come into our lives. And, you know, treating your mother this way, I'm sorry, for whatever ABC fill it in. That's a really difficult feeling, and circumstance to overcome.
And with the steps, and like, again, it's like shifting things. It's like seeing seeing your life and saying, Oh, my God, this has been so bad. And I've been treated so horribly. And then shifting that and saying, How can I treat myself better? Because I'm not going to get what I needed when I was a kid. I didn't get that reassurance. I didn't get that unconditional love. How can I give that to myself today, because I'm never going to get that from my parents, or the people who took care of you and your family unit, it's impossible to go back in time, no matter how much we might want to do that. And then just be an adult now and say, I need to make my own moral inventory. And I need to be accountable for my own actions. And here's a list of the things that I have done. And here's a list of the people that I need to make amends to that is a really difficult and complicated process. Because at the time that we're doing that, the voice inside our head, you know, could be saying, I want this done for me as well. And I may never get that from my parent, or parents. And that I think is the the growth opportunity that is available to us. In that if we focus on again, if you don't want to use the word God put ever whatever word but the Serenity Prayer, you know, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
That phrase, that set of words, that prayer, whatever you want to call it. That thought process. I can't change them, but I can changed my present. And I can change my future, to me is the key to healing. You know, and I, I want to just kind of focus on that again for a second. If we only look at the steps, and, again, go through a perfunctory, I'm going to go through these because, you know, this is leading me to Nirvana. And if I just do 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 1, 12, boom, steps are done, I'm cured, everything's wonderful.
You're, you're not going to find what you're looking for. But when you realize that you can't change the past, you can't change how people are treating you today. You can't stop people from drinking, you can't stop people from being passive aggressive, let's say your parents, let's how that that's how they treat you, or guilt tripping you or whatever the dysfunctional family environment is, you're not going to be able to stop them from doing that. But what you can do is, how are you going to treat yourself? How are you going to interact with the people in your life, that's where there's a dividing line. And that can be very complicated, again, difficult, because if you didn't learn how to receive unconditional love, giving unconditional love is also very complicated. Because maybe you might think it's more like a codependent kind of thing and you're entangled with your child, it's, it's something that takes time to work through and to process the steps.
And so to make this list of these are the things that I need to work on for myself, for me, and then these are the things that I need to apologize and to focus on. And I want to make these amends. The men's can be a very simple, heartfelt, you know, look, I apologize when we were together, I, you know, acted wrongly, I treated you with disrespect, I didn't listen to you. And I'm sorry. And I'm working the steps so that I could become, you know, for the future, a better partner, someone, a better friend, a better parent. And I just want to say, you know, thank you for, you know, being in my life.
And I hope that you accept, accept my amends and move on, you know, you move on is what I mean, just let it go at that point. It's a difficult process to go through and to learn, you know, new skills be open to something that maybe you had never looked at before. Because often, in our shell of this is how we grew up. We keep trying to repeat the same patterns again, and again and again, and we're not getting what we want. And so we then apply the dysfunctional behaviors in our relationships, to try to then find other ways. And it's just like a, it's just a cycle of dysfunction that just spins out of control. And we're unhappy, and those around us are unhappy. And it just creates more angst, more anger, more frustration, more unfulfillment. But with the steps, you know, and focusing on each of them, and to kind of building up up over time.
Accepting the accountability, accepting the past, accepting the present, that you can't change your parents. But then you can change your own behavior, and how you want to love yourself, and how you want to focus and share love with others. That's challenging, and takes time. So I do hope that, you know, this episode, kind of, I guess, get you to question a little bit about what does it really mean, about making an amend, you know, maybe the first amend that each of us needs to make is with ourselves, you know, to realize that, when we were desperate for love, we fell in to the wrong relationships, because we just cared. We just wanted someone anyone to see us and to love us and to be with us. Even if we knew deep down, that that relationship wasn't going to last. It was it was better to cling on to something than to have nothing. Like that's a truth that shine a light on that can be a very difficult one. And to make amends to ourselves on that and say, You know what, it's okay. It's okay, that that happened. I forgive you for doing that.
And now moving forward, I'm going to focus on strengthening myself. I'm gonna be focusing on ensuring that I'm going to love myself and we'll see what happens with another relationship in the future. I'm not just gonna throw myself into something in it, you know, throw infatuation and become in love with being in love and then create the site to go again and again and again, and still be unhappy.
So I do hope that this episode has been of help. This week's tip, we've already talked about it, the Serenity Prayer. Again, if you don't like the word God cut it out. So I, you know, to each his own, I am not trying to prescribe, you know, my way on anyone here. This is just, again, skills that I have learned over time. And I do find it to be really powerful to think through and say, what can I change? And what can I change. And typically, that line in the sand is I can change things within myself, if I choose to, I can't change what's happening, you know, with other people, that that's to me what I tend to find in my relationships, and you know, with the people that I interact with, and things that go on in my life.
And then if that tip wasn't enough, a tip, too, is simply what if you were to try one new thing a day, even if you tried one new thing a week. And it could be simply something as simple as, instead of walking out your door, you know, going for a walk and walking left, go right? Or take a different block, like see something different, read a different type of book, make some art, learn how to, you know, do some pottery, learn how to knit crochet do something different. So that way, your brain is getting out of the normal behavior patterns of being stuck in a rut of like, I do this every day, I watch these shows, I go to work each day, shake it up a little bit. And it can be a very simple something.
And the reason why I put this tip in is that it often allows you to have creative burst of energy realizing that you like something or you dislike something, and that gets your brain thinking in a different way, is if we only focus on the things that we always do always know. Where's the growth opportunity there, you know, and for me, it's important to grow and to learn, I'm a life long learner, I love to learn. It doesn't have to necessarily be you know, quote, unquote, in school, I love to learn by reading by doing experiential learning, experimenting with, you know, creating new things with technology and building things out, do a podcast, write a novel, do ebooks learn how to do a print book, like all that's I love, love, love of learning that way. So I hope that these tips will help you to see that by focusing on yourself. It allows you the opportunity to heal, because you're spending the time to build your own personality and to focus on things that will actually help you rather than focusing outwardly on the other, you know, and trying to solve other people's problems or worry about other people's problems or worry about the world's problems.
What can you do on a local level for yourself? So I do hope that this episode, you know, something that you could use, and listen to share with others. And I appreciate each week when you come and listen to the podcast. I hope that you're finding these to be helpful to you.
And with that, I just simply want to say hope you have a great week and be well.