This
week marks the 18th year that I met my wife and in honor of that I
wanted to reflect back and set the record straight answering the
question: Does true love exist? But before I can do that, I think it's
more important to define: What is love?
Love Is a Many Splendid Thing
The definition of love that I like the best is one I was taught back
in my senior year of high school from a priest at my Catholic school.
Father Hanley taught us that "love is seeing good in someone and wanting
to see that good grow." I've always liked that definition because love
is active and other centered. It's not about swooning, smothering or
possessiveness, but about growth and giving of yourself to another to
support them in achieving their potential.
True love, for me, is simply that: Supporting the person you love and
being there for them on their journey through life as they continue to
grow and become a better person. Love is not simply about sex and gifts
(I think we all know that), but it's a balance of discovery, support and
learning to grow with another over time. There are ups and downs and
downs and ups, but there are also times of great intensity that flare up
like the sun. Yet if I look at the 18 years that I've been with my
wife, I would say that we have worked hard to find a path of calm
(though she would probably disagree with me on this) in which we have
strived to build a solid foundation for our lives and for our kids.
The "C" Word
We opted for a life that hit the Golden Mean. We didn't want to be
manic depressive with great highs and lows all the time in our
relationship, but find stability and calm. What exactly do I mean by
that? Coming together as a couple means that it's necessary to
compromise and make sacrifices. If you're not willing to compromise and
sometimes put your kids and your partner in front of your own needs,
then I'd advise you not to be in a relationship. We can't always get what we want.
And that's a good thing because having a push and pull in a
relationship in which there are boundaries creates tension and friction.
This is where the true magic of a relationship lives.
What if you don't wish to go to your in-laws this Christmas? What if
your spouse doesn't like to clean, but you do and you need help around
the house? What happens when you both are tired and the baby wakes up
for the fifth time at 4:00 a.m.? What happens? I always find romantic
movies so funny. The same is true with many TV shows. My wife and I will
watch the serious event lay out and within a few minutes all conflict
is resolved (along with, on cue, some really great music playing in the
background as the couple reaffirms their love for each other).
Life isn't like that. Well, at least my life isn't like that. When I
write my books, I have been criticized because I have made some of my
characters be unlikeable at times or I've had them make bad choices.
Just like in life. Have I not done some stupid things in my life that
caused harm to my relationships? Yes, I have. Has my wife? Yes, she has.
So what happens when conflict arises and needs to be resolved? Does the
cool music start playing in the background and we're suddenly running
toward each other and all is okay? No, that's fantasy land. That doesn't
even happen in my books (thankfully).
Learn to Forgive
I have made choices that have rocked my marriage and caused great
angst to the relationship as has my wife. These are personal moments
that are between her and me. She knows what I mean. And I know as well.
It's the secret language of a couple who have been together for a long
time. What has helped us get through those rough times? Forgiveness. And
forgiveness doesn't come easy. You can't just wake up and say, "Well,
looks like today I will simply wash away all the hurt and pain and just
decide to forgive my loved one. That was easy! Let's go play tennis
now."
Life isn't like that. And neither are the characters in my books.
I've had Cinderella do some really bone headed things that the reader
scratches her head wondering why she would do that. My answer: Because
she's human. She screws up just like the rest of us. When I have needed
to forgive, I will be the first to admit that it is not easy for me to
do. Sometimes the hurt is too deep and it takes time to work through the
feelings and come to a quiet moment to forgive. I've found that quiet
reflection and some time helps to put the situation in perspective.
Yet having grown up in a family that went through two divorces, I can
attest that I never saw a true and loving marriage. I did not have good
role models to learn from and felt socially inept for much of my early
dating years.
I look back and cringe at what a mess I was and how I looked for love
for all the wrong reasons (to complete me and "fix" me). Those
relationships didn't last and I hope and pray that the damage I did in
those relationships has been forgiven by the women I dated back then.
But there is one thing that I learned that's essential to all of this
and might just be the secret to true love. It's a theme in my Cinderella's Secret Diaries series and one that I believe is just about the most important thing anyone can learn about relationships.
Love Yourself
In order to be in a relationship that will work, I learned that I needed
to be able to forgive myself and also needed to love myself. This might
be one of the most simple and yet most complicated skills to learn and
be ready for in a relationship. If I wasn't able to forgive myself and
pick myself up and try again, how would I be able to forgive another? If
I couldn't look at myself in the mirror and love the person I see
there, how could I love another? It's almost too simple, but it's been a
key to helping me on my life journey.
When
I look at the road that my wife and I have journeyed on, I see some
amazing times and some purely magical ones. The birth of our children,
seeing a total solar eclipse
on the day I proposed to her in France, watching a meteor shower with
our children and friends, holding each other in the dark of night after a
rough time when our dearest family members had died--these and more
than 18 years of memories are all entwined in our collective memory. The
road has been impossible to predict but not prepare for.
Be in the Present
Each day could be my last. I have no way of knowing when I will be no
more on this Earth and I don't know how long my relationship with my
wife will last. But I don't dwell on that. Instead I focus on living the
best life I can and being true to myself. Will I screw up and make
mistakes? Yes, I will. Will my wife make mistakes? Yes, she will.
In amazement, I look back to a conversation I had on the phone with
my friend who I've known the longest and remember telling her after I
met my wife: "I don't know if she likes me romantically, but if she
doesn't, I'd be happy to get to know her as a friend." It's been 18
years later and who would have known that we would be together all this
time. The place we met, Borders, no longer exists. With all the change
and challenges in life, I try my best to remember the present and focus
on the here and now. Will we be together tomorrow and next year and so
on? It's not worth me worrying about. Instead, it's best that I focus on
today.
So do I believe in "true love"? I've fallen in love with many women
in my life and I wouldn't say that there is just one person out there
for me. I know that's not true. I often say to my wife that if I pass on
I hope she finds another person to be happy with. God know that she
wouldn't miss the grief I sometimes give her! I believe there's no
special or secret recipe to making this all work out. Making a
relationship last can be hard work. It's also taking time to look your
wife in the eye and listening to her and being present and holding her
or asking to be held. It's a myriad mix of complex human emotions that
spans decades. That's probably not the answer that people want to hear.
It's a lot easier to say that boy meets girl and they lived happily ever
after.
But for me, boy meets girl and that's when the story just begins.
It's not all happily ever after. Life is too complex for that and, for
me, that's the beauty of it all.
I dedicate this post to my beautiful wife who has patience with me during all the times when I deserve none. Je t'aime.
