A friend of mine from work lent me the film "Dancer in the Dark" and I made time to watch it last night. I have been meaning to see this film since it came out back in 2001 as I am a Björk fan but just never made time. I knew what the story was about, understood that it was a Lars Von Trier film, and just didn't want my heart to be stomped on. But over conversation the other day, this film came up and, as luck would have it, my friend and her fiance owned the film. I watched it last night and then had a dream. In my dream, I was to get up, go to the computer and looking for Beethoven's 9th symphony and send that out on Twitter. So, before I go on, I'm going to do that now. For your viewing/listening pleasure, jump to 2 minutes and 42 seconds in and listen from there as it's my favorite part:
Does that set the mood for you as to what my mindset is? So getting back to the movie, I watched the end of the film (no, I'm not going to give anything away. I'm not like that) and was touched by these lines: "They say it's the last song. They don't know us, you see. It's only the last song if we let it be." I have always been fascinated by the power of the human mind. There have been times in my life in which I am under tremendous stress and have been unable to find ways to see the solution to a problem, but if I allow my mind to be free there are no chains to hold me down. If you are free in your mind and in your heart, then everything else will just pass through you. Maybe some might call this denial but that's not what I am trying to get at.
I have limitations on the amount of time I have to accomplish my goals and my desires. I want to write and am working on a large project but have not made time to do this work as I've been focusing on my family life, my career and on training for a half-marathon. Anyone who knows me sees that I am not lazy and that I am put my all into my work and in what I believe in. I am genuine and true though flawed.
I slept last night, had the dream about Beethoven and then went on a 4.5 mile run this morning. It was 36 degrees outside, cold and still dark. The sun had not yet risen. Thoughts of the movie kept running through my head and a line kept popping up: "Selma, listen to your heart." That's a critical line in the film as earlier, Björk, who plays Selma tells her friend Kathy: "I must listen to my heart." How funny it is that this is a key phrase that speaks deeply and secretly to me. One of my favorite sayings is: "The Heart has its reasons which Reason knows not" (Blaise Pascal). I've always liked this phrase and although following my heart often can be confusing because it's hard for people to understand my motivations. I have no master plan. I don't have my life all color coded and mapped. It's not how I live nor would I want to live that way, but I do wish to be alive and to take time to stop and listen--especially during the difficult times in life.
I ran to my halfway point, turned around and I could hear, like Selma in the film, music around me. I could see the sky brightening as the sun was rising and saw red robins flying by on the way to their nests. The chill in the air touched me and the heat inside me from my running conditioned me to a flow of the trees, the air and the noises around me. I had those moments of quiet in which I could just be. It was a quiet, personal moment. So why share it? It's my goal to listen to my heart (as corny as that might sound) and to be true. When I interact with you, you know that I'm genuine and I'm not pulling your leg. I am not trying to pull one over you. That's not how I operate. Those closest to me know me for who I am and I suspect that they love me for that with my flaws and quirks. But today is a day that I simply wanted to share this experience and to quote my family: "Rome wasn't built in a day." I am training for a half-marathon and the training is going well. I am working on a big writing project and made time to write five pages yesterday. It's slow going but progress is continuing. I am walking along a road that's twisting and crooked and has pitfalls but I am not giving up. I am a quiet fighter--well, that's not fully true. I bitch a lot when I've something on my mind, but then I set to the grind stone and work hard. It doesn't matter how difficult your path is, it doesn't matter how much work it is, none of that matters. If you believe that you can do it, even if it takes a lifetime, then you can do it.
Many ask me how I accomplish all that I do and that's how. Today is today. I ran 4.5 miles. It's on my training program. I wrote this. I am moving, slowly, oh so slowly, forward. Momentum. Energy. Listening to my heart. To just be. You'll see a sly smile on my face if you look hard at me. Because I'm happy. Tired, but committed and damn happy. Je t'aime.