Twenty years have passed since I first went to France to study under the International Studies Association and I wanted to take some time to reflect on what those three weeks in Paris during the summer of 1990 mean to me.
Since then, I’ve done a good amount of research on Jungian psychology and the self-discovery process in the hopes of better understanding myself and the world around me. My Master's thesis "Memory and the Quest for Self: A Jungian Reading of Alice Walker and Margaret Atwood" helped me to crystallize the path that I’ve chosen to walk in life and that journey started with the decision to study in Paris. But before I get to the end of the story, let me start at the beginning. I won’t recap my thoughts of going on the trip. If interested, you can read my blog post on the 15th anniversary.
Yet I did want to focus on a pivotal moment in time in which I sat in my college French class realizing that I had received a $500 scholarship toward the program, but still could not afford the trip. At 19, I was putting myself through school and worked 25 hours a week at a retail job. I realized that I would need near $5000 to cover the cost of the trip and expenses. I wanted to go to Paris as it would be an once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. I would take classes at one of the satellite Sorbonne buildings and live in the dorm, learning about French civilization, the language and culture. I so wanted to go, but I did not have the money.
Two paths were before me: I could not go or go.
Now that I have 20 years of experience beyond that important decision, I can be a bit more objective and honest with myself. I can also freeze time in the story as I sit in college, trying to decide on whether I would go or not and back the story up to when I was in high school. Back then I took French classes on a whim. I enjoyed it a lot and did well. In my Junior year, I had a wonderful French teacher. The friendship that grew from my time as her student taught me not only the love of French culture but she was the first person that I “sparked” with creatively.
“Sparking” is an interesting experience for me as there are only a few people in my life whom I have met to become my muse. My high school French teacher was one of those people. Back when I was 16, I wrote a novel for her as part of my French assignment. A daily journal blossomed into a several hundred page novel. The seed of that novel became “Dorothea’s Song.” Having lost contact with her about a decade ago, I had thought to look her up online and send her a copy of my book. What I learned saddened me beyond words: A few years ago she passed away from cancer.
I look back on all of this and come back to that moment in college, deciding on whether to go on the France trip. At that point, I had graduated high school, chose to continue studying French and opted to become a dual major (English and French). All that I had learned from my high school French teacher remained alive within me as a college student. I could not go on the trip or go. I remember the stories that my high school French teacher had told me about her time studying in France. The great joy she had in seeing the art, eating the food and learning the language. As a young man of 19, I wanted to experience the Parisian life and wanted to grow beyond the small world of Philadelphia that I grew up in. (The video below is a few minutes of my visit to Notre Dame de Paris with the first minute or so being of my friends and I in the Roman sewers near Notre Dame--July 1990.)Decision time: I stared at the blackboard that day in French class back in college and chose to go on the trip. I had been denied borrowing money from my grandfather so I would need a loan from the bank. And that’s what I did because the experience was necessary for me. I believe in one’s personal myth and the life that we live leads us on the hero’s quest toward individuation. The challenge, in today’s world is finding a balance between hokey self-growth mantras and earning a living to pay the bills. Back when I was 19, I was young, naïve and just plain clueless about the ways of the world.
Yet I had some of my wits about me because I was able to trust the instinct that called me to go to France. I recently read in Joseph Campbell’s "Pathways to Bliss" about a meditation that he was given once that explains much about the self-discovery process: "Where are you between two thoughts? You're thinking of yourself all the time in everything you do. You know, there's the image of yourself--the ego. So, where are you between two thoughts?" Campbell goes on to explain that the undiscovered you is apart from your ego that you normally walk around with yet the “you” between your thoughts is your untapped potential, saying: "That's what our intuitive flash is giving you a taste of. This thought, that thought, the ripple of the mind--do you ever have a glimpse that transcends anything you could think of about yourself? That's the source field out of which all of your energies are coming. And so the hero journey through the threshold is simply a journey beyond the pairs of opposites, where you go beyond good and evil." For me, I tie the undiscovered self to my "spark" theory. Over the years, I have met several people who have acted as a foil to me and the undiscovered part of me rises to the surface. The creativity and inspiration that I feel at those times is rather remarkable. Yet I have also had experiences (travels, death, birth, etc.) that have also acted as these “spark” moments in time for me. At first, I thought that the creative energy blossoming in me was due to my interaction with that other person or that experience. But that's not the case. Those creative flashes or sparks are from within me. Those moments of intense energy are a perfect example of the "me" between two thoughts.
The importance of understanding my limits and inner self is to find the balance to incorporate the various parts of me into a whole. Again, I turn to a Jungian approach as I believe that each of us has a public persona, a shadow, anima/animus and self. I don’t go around on a conscious level thinking about my shadow, but let me explain: We each have a public persona and a private “me.” At work you will probably act somewhat different around your boss then how you act when you’re with your spouse. Incorporation the four archetypal aspects (a persona, shadow, animus, and self) of yourself is the process of individuation.
Now I am the future of the 19 year old me. I’m at a position in which I see what I have learned, understand the troubles that I have had and experienced some of life to get to where I am now. The future, future me (20 years from now) is beyond my understanding yet I can surmise that many of the themes that I have written about today will be relevant for me then. And that’s the journey that I am on: Twenty years ago I had a major split in the road of life and I chose one path over another. Staying home wouldn’t have been “wrong” but I would not be the “me” I am today and I wanted to become that person. I knew enough that I believed that the experiences I would have in France would strengthen and change me—and living in Paris did do that for me. What I find rather funny is that there is no way that me, at 19, could imagine who I would be today or what I would be experiencing. My knowledge of my self was so limited at that time that it is amusing, but I knew enough to pick the trip and to turn a hope into reality.
There are moments in my life when a “spark” comes (a person or event) and that moment in time acts as a fork in the road. I have a choice to make: Stay the course or change. I don’t go seeking “sparks” as life doesn’t work that way. A "spark" isn't a thrill ride. Nor do I look at people I meet as inanimate objects that I can get my creative kicks off of. Rather it's that space between two thoughts and I see a flash of insight into my life. When I encounter a moment like that, I need to think fast on my feet and either embrace the moment or back off. I don’t want to label “right” or “wrong” to these choices because each case is not that simple as life often isn’t black and white. Though I’m happy to find that listening and trusting my instinct usually doesn’t lead me wrong.
I’ve thought a lot about my decision from 20 years ago and realized that it’s not about France or the language or necessarily the experiences I had. No, it’s not that at all. Instead, being open and receptive to change and growth is important. The challenge is learning which path to take when these life altering opportunities come up. There are times when I'm on one page and another is on a totally different page. I've learned that listening to myself and what will be healthy for me is critical to my well-being.
Where will the future bring me? I don't think that's an important question. Rather I'd rather ponder: Who am I between two thoughts and where do I want to go from here? As Emerson has stated: "Life is a journey, not a destination." For me, that's what is important. Because, in the end, what will I really care about? The relationships I've forged with family, friends, the self-knowledge that I've uncovered about myself and my connection to the world around me. Living in Paris or not wasn't the critical decision that helped me to grow, but being aware enough to know the importance of the choice and why I made the decision I did helped me along my journey. And 20 years later, I'm still on that long and winding road.
"The creativity and inspiration that I feel at those times is rather remarkable. Yet I have also had experiences (travels, death, birth, etc.) that have also acted as these “spark” moments in time for me. At first, I thought that the creative energy blossoming in me was due to my interaction with that other person or that experience. But that's not the case. Those creative flashes or sparks are from within me. Those moments of intense energy are a perfect example of the "me" between two thoughts."
Love that. So true!
Great post Ron. I hope you get to go back to Paris sooner rather than later!
Posted by: Nat | July 13, 2010 at 12:48 PM