RonVitale

Reflecting Back: Twenty Years of Me

A big personal anniversary is coming up for me next month and I'm doing the research to see if I can find some old pictures from 20 years ago. Digging through tons of boxes looking for old pictures scattered throughout my house has got me thinking:

1. The pictures I took back then were taken with a Kodak disc camera. Seriously. Boy, that's scary.
2. Digital cameras are wonderful as storing the images and archiving them is a snap!
3. Finding things from 20 years ago can be a lot of fun.

While looking for photos, I found the following:

The above picture is a piece that I made for myself back in the early '90s. On the left is a picture of me before I was two and on the right I'm 19 years of age and am in Paris. What's up with the crappy artwork under "Who" and "Do"? I was told a long time ago that "who" we are remains constant in that there is a core aspect to who we are as individuals but what we "Do" (the right column) is like a slinky that can collapse and change shape over time. In the center, is Whitman's "Song of Myself" poem.

Back when I was in my early '20s I wanted a reminder that who I am is good and solid and yet what I do will change over time. Now that I'm fast forwarded into the future I'm reflecting back to my early years, remembering who I was back then.

The question is: Am I the same person?

Yes and no. That's the funny thing about life. There are some core parts of me that have remained the same. Much of my value system has remained the same, my beliefs in family, God, people and the goodness of life have all remained firm. Yet my understanding and outlook on life and as to what is important has changed as I've gained a bit more perspective on life and living. I know a lot more than I did then: I specifically know that I don't know much!

When I look back at what I did back then, comparing it to what I do now the themes remain pretty much the same. I wrote fiction and tried to get my stories/novel published. In 2010, I've published my first novel "Dorothea's Song" and am working on another novel. I enjoyed computers and still enjoy them. Yet there was no internet back then and today I'm podcasting, blogging, creating videos for YouTube and using social media. The core values of what I believe have remained the same yet the tools that I use to accomplish my goals have changed.

Back in 1990 I had a goal to communicate my stories to people throughout the world in the hope that I could help share my life experiences with others. What people chose to do with what they learned from my stories would be up to them, but I had always wanted to carve out a small, intimate niche of work that when someone reads one of my pieces that person could easily imagine that a conversation between us is taking place.

I'm continuing to do my research and to work on a special blog post for sometime in July 2010, but I had to stop to just share this story as I hadn't see the pictures above in many years. I've not forgotten to sing of one's self. And hopefully you won't forget either. Thanks for stopping by.

On Love and Marriage

I've been meaning to take some time to sit down and write this, but I haven't had the time or maybe it's because I am a bit shy about being so open. In part, I think reading a short article about Michael Chabon has helped me though. In the NPR article about Chabon, I stumbled across how his wife, writer Ayelet Waldman, had written a rather personal essay for the the New York Times a few years ago. The essay created a stir as she said that she loved her husband more than her children and she went into some details about their sex life.If Waldman can be so open about her life, then why not me?

With that all said, I wanted to write about marriage as it's been on my mind. This past week my wife and I celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary. We've been together for 15 years, married for 10. I wanted to reflect on this celebration and be open and honest. Now that I have some experience under my belt, I must admit that being married and now being a parent are the two most difficult life choices I have made so far in my life.

There are many choices in life that I could have taken. When I was young, I thought about becoming a priest, but, honestly, choosing celibacy just wasn't for me. Once I knew that I wouldn't devote my life to God by becoming a priest (around the time I was 17), I made a decision that I would look for a partner and have a family and be happy. See, it's that simple! Unfortunately, the marriages I had around me were damaged and unhealthy. My mother divorced my father before I was six. My grandparents, though married for more than 60 years, bickered and fought like crazy on nearly a daily basis. In growing up in their household, I would come home from school and see them sitting on the sofa--one on one side and the other on the far side. Muzak like music would be on the radio and they would just sit there all day until it was time to eat or do work or move about. They weren't friends and didn't get along in working together. As for my mother's second marriage, that also ended in divorce.

Yet I remained hopeful that I would fall in love, marry a beautiful woman and find happiness, joy, peace and all the saints and angels would be swirling around me. How naive I was back in my early '20s. What I thought then was that love--just pure love--would solve any problem and fix anything. If you just loved someone with your whole being, then mountains could be levitated. What I didn't understand at the time was that first it was important to love yourself. How foolish I was to think that I could be damaged and broken from my upbringing and just magically know how to be healthy in a relationship. Yep, I was a fool. And I was also such a romantic by loving being in love.

My teens passed on by and in my early '20s, while in college, I fell in love and became engaged. It is here that I learned a painful yet valuable lesson: Two people who have issues to resolve cannot come together to make one healthy person. It just doesn't work. But I tried it anyway. Some time later, the engagement was broken, my heart crushed and years passed. I decided to do something during those years--something smart. I learned about myself, who I was, what I wanted, where I wanted to be and I realized a very important thing. Something critical: I'm not normal. My sensibilities, likes and streak of rebellion make me a bit of an oddball. I buck against tradition and I often ask hard questions of myself and those of my closest friends. Those who know me best love my honesty and understand why I am so genuine, but it's often misunderstood by many. In going through my '20s, I picked the pieces up, healed myself and learned, through counseling, how to deal with the problems I have and to become a better person.

What I learned along the way is that a partner doesn't just fall out of the sky and fairy dust is sprinkled on the two of you and suddenly everything is okay. No, that's not how it works at all. It's damn hard work being married. I've worked hard on learning what my quirks are, what are my personality faults and struggled to be a better person.

So imagine when I've been working on all of this, trying to become a better me when I went on a blind date with a beautiful woman. She talked about the gym, the gym, the gym and the gym. It was during that date that what I wanted from a partner crystalized within and I understood that I needed to look for someone who would be on the same wavelength as me. I needed a best friend.

A month or two later, by pure chance, my wife and I met. Dating went wonderful, then living together and presto--10 years of marriage with two kids. Has it all been glorious and wonderful? No, it hasn't. Want to know what have I learned in all of that time? I've discovered that I don't know jack shit. I've learned that I make more mistakes than I can count on a daily basis and that my wife and I have had wonderful times and the worst of times. Marriage to me is a journey in life. It's filled with the best and worst of time. As I'm human, I'm flawed, imperfect.

When my wife and I met, could we ever in a million years see where we are now? See our children, have gone through our dark times and understand the love and light that we've built together? Could we have? No, we couldn't. We took a risk. A very, very chancy risk. A good many marriages end in divorce. It's scary to think of that, but it's true. The second most important thing that I've learned about marriage (the first being that I'm no expert in it!) is to listen. No, I mean really listen. I often wish I were better in this department because I am a strong individual who is extremely stubborn. But when I listen to my wife and hear her, problems can be worked through. I've also learned that "listening" with my eyes ties so closely into hearing her words. I try to pay attention to her body language, facial expressions and how she carries herself. In the darkest of times, a little laughter, listening and reaching for a hand can set the groundwork for solving any problem.

Good communication between she and I can slay any demon or dragon, but we both need to be willing to listen, be open and compromise. Which is the third tool in my marriage toolkit: Learn to compromise. That doesn't mean that one person dominates all the time and the other always compromises. No, compromise goes both ways. Sometimes both people need to compromise at the same time as neither person can have exactly what he/she wants.

When I look back at all the years, the wonderful experiences my wife and I have had, the places we've been, the triumphs, sad points, joys and lows--there's a thread of experience that has multiplied itself thousands of times that's become our life. The tapestry that we've built is ours and it's filled with such wonder and excitement that I often have lost perspective, assuming I know my wife and she knows me. Time passes, we grow older, but we also have changed. I'm not the same man I was back when I was 24 and my wife isn't the same woman. Learning to grow with my wife has been a challenge as sometimes you grow apart and need to find ways to come back together again. Nothing holds a couple together (yes, yes, yes--you can argue children, bills, etc.), but their choosing to remain together. Love as it starts off as passion and fire burns bright but it won't keep you together. Tempering that fire, holding it in your heart and remembering it over the years is a must. I have caught myself looking at my wife and I see her as only I can. I remember her when I first met her and see her now. How sunlight changes the color of her eyes to a brilliant hazel and how I see her face, so pure and open, when she's asleep. Love in all its beauty grows in time, strengthens and changes--if my wife and I continue to allow it to. How you're in love for the first three months of being together is different than when you've been together many years. There's still plenty of passion and fire in my heart for my wife, but now when I'm with her there are memories of our lives woven into our love. Seeing my children born, holding them and growing into the role of parenthood has changed me beyond what I thought possible. Marriage and love. Love and marriage.

My wife and I have only traveled a short distance down the road of life together, but this is where I take a moment, sit by the side of the road and take a drink of water. I'm reflecting on my life and, in my heart and soul, I know what marriage means to me. Do I ever regret being married or wish I had never done so as some men I know? No, I don't regret that at all. I've had my doubts and fears, but I'm glad I've made this decision. Marriage is living to me. Every day is filled with wonder, excitement and possibilities. The challenge, for me, is to continue to be open to those wonderful possibilities. And as for love, it can move mountains--if you're patient and kind. I might have been naive to think that love could solve all problems--it can if you are at peace with yourself and both of you are open to love's wonder. It's the ultimate letting go: Marriage and love. A wild ride of life that will take you down a rabbit hole and up to the highest mountains. Here's to what we've achieved. Here's to us. Here's to our family, friends, God and every bit of luck we can get to help watch over us for the years to come.

Alex's Lemonade Stand 10th Anniversary Celebration

Today was the 10th anniversary celebration of the first Alex's Lemonade Stand in which Alex Scott (at the age of 4) set up a lemonade stand to help raise money to build a children's hospital for kids with cancer. Fighting cancer herself since she was one, Alex wanted to do good and help other kids. Back in 2004, when my son was only one, I took him to the first big Alex's Lemonade Stand gathering. Alex was there that day but it was so hot that she was inside the school, resting as she wasn't feeling well. Only two months later, she passed away, but her dream to help kids with cancer lives on.

Every year, my family and I go to the event in support of Jay and Liz Scott and their family. And each year, I have to choke back tears as I walk around seeing how many people have come together to help raise money for such a great cause. This was the sixth year that my family and I started going to the event and one of the most touching parts is the releasing of the butterflies. Standing on the steps of the school that Alex used to attend, families whose children are struggling with cancer stand at the top of the steps and Liz Scott leads a tearful moment. This year she thanked everyone for their support and stood with the families at the top of the stairs. Her two sons read a short piece about butterflies and then, all of us in the audience, opened the little paper in our hands, and out flew butterflies. Hundreds of them. Some flew away, a few stayed on the ground, one stuck itself to my daughter's shoe and many swirled around, watching all of us in yellow, white and blue, with our children, holding so dearly onto them and praying for help for those kids who are fighting cancer.

But what wrenched my heartstrings the most today, was coming back to give some bottled water to my family to see Jay, dressed as a lemon, and his wife, Liz, leading a conga line. I do not know where they get the strength to be so strong and wonderful to have suffered so much yet turned their pain into a dream to help other children.

What I like so much about today's event is that, yes, it's about raising money, but nearly all of the activities are free. Food, drink, games, arts and crafts--all free for your family. You can donate, if you'd like, but the day is about a celebration--of life, love and family. I wanted to share this with you as my wife and I have chosen to support Alex's Lemonade Stand Foundation over the years. It's a great organization that has helped fund more than 150 research projects across the country. If you're not familiar with Alex's Lemonade Stand, please visit their website to learn more. Thank you.

Brian Solis: Engage or Die

I attended the Vocus social media conference in DC this week and I have a lot of ideas swirling through my brain. I think the most informative talk was Brian Solis' "Engage or Die." Before I geek out on what I've had confirmed about social media, I want to simply say that Brian's straightforward and high energy enthusiasm comes through in person. He's genuine, he's not a snake oil salesman. I admire that because what he sees is a re-inventing of the world of business as we know it and it's not going to be easy to get from point A to point B. Well, it will be for younger folk coming up, but if you're established, well, David Bowie sang it best: "Chaa Chaa Changes..."

Essentially, if I can boil down what Brian Solis said into a nutshell it would be that social media is all about "Relevance, Resonance and Significance." Gone are the days in which you can just shoot your ideas out into the wild. What's replacing all of that (e-mail blasts, pitching stories, etc.) is essentially building relationships with influencers, clients, costumers and colleagues. There's a sea change occurring through society in which the way communicate is evolving. Not only do we need to become hybrids (word of the conference) but we need to build genuine relationships with individuals and this growth needs to occur, not be one person in an organization, but by all of the departments. Human Resources, Membership, Communications, Marketing, etc., all will need to embrace social media--not to shoot out an organization's message, but to engage people.

Brian Solis spoke on how "social media introduces the ability to shape perceptions" but that's done through hard work, getting involved and over time. It doesn't happen overnight.

Another speaker, Beth Harte, told an interesting story. She went back to Best Buy three times because of a computer problem. By the third time, her patience was spent so she pulled out her mobile device and asked her followers on Twitter who she could contact at Best Buy online. Within minutes, corporate at Best Buy saw her complaint on Twitter and contacted her to help her solve her problem, calling the local Best Buy associate telling him to work with Beth. The purpose of her story wasn't to show that if the squeaky wheel squeaks then you'll get oiled, but to show how our perception of solving a problem is changing. In the past, you'd go to the local store manager--now you can bypass this and go right to the source (if a company is listening).

I've been working in social media for the last two years and I have seen great change and learned much. What I am excited about is the re-invention of how organizations work as some of my best skills (listening and empathy) are key to implementing the new order. How this will all shape up and what it will turn into is not quite visible. With the candle I have in my hand, I only see a few steps in front of me, but it's been crystal clear to me now for the last year and a half that our world is changing (for better or worse) into a technological social world. Phone calls and face-to-face meetings are decreasing whereas relationships via the virtual world are increasing. Where we as people fall into all of that will mean that we'll either be passed by, unable to change, or become leaders in the field.

It's an exciting time as there is much opportunity and a genuine chance to build relationships with people. I'm ecstatic about that because there is value in developing these networks. We are social animals. No man is an island and we're quickly learning the world is blurring by us, changing before our eyes. Do we want to stay in the old guard or bend in the wind like a flexible tree? The choice is ours. Engage or die. Might sound drastic and a bit overstated, but great change has come--if we're not afraid to open our eyes and embrace it.