Change

In the last year, I have made some major changes in my life and although some might seem inconsequential, these changes have helped me to become more confident, happier and aware. One of the biggest changes is my decision to emulate good friends of mine and begin to run. I've the build to be a runner but never took the time to do it. I've disliked exercise all of my life. But let my clarify that: I dislike exercising just to exercise. I do love walking, running and thinking. When I first began to run, I played music as this was a good way to distract myself from my body's increasingly noisy way of letting me know that my legs weren't going to hold out and that, maybe, I better stop running before I fell down. But the stress, problems and just my creativity became blocked by the music and I just numbed myself and pushed onward.

In time, I realized that the wires and sweaty ear buds weren't making my runs any easier so I put the music away and just ran. I listened to my breathing, to the world around me and a funny thing happen. I found that I enjoyed running without music and that my mind became open and clear. Those who are close to me understand that I need time away from people. I need time to recharge my batteries and I can do that in any number of ways: Cleaning, cooking, walking, reading, writing (like now) or even a quick run. Day by day I am challenged with work, being a father and my struggle to be a good husband. On a daily basis, I fail at one of those roles. I can't be at all places at once, being all things. Inwardly, I'm fine with that. I accept failure as a part of life, dust myself off, get up and move onward.

Running and training for long distance races (my first 10 mile race is next weekend) has taught me an important lesson. I cannot have everything that I want now and I can't make everything happen now, but I can, little by little, move toward the change I want in life. It's a rather powerful lesson. Water, gentle and clean, over time, can cleave through mountains. For me, learning to pace myself in life has been a tremendous life lesson. The transformative change that I am undergoing is enabling me to see new and different options in my life as well as allowing me to test my strength and my creativity. The challenge continues to be the pace. I cannot run a 7 minute mile, but I can run a 9 minute one. Similarly, in other areas of my life, I am trying to learn what my internal speed is and to pace myself. The race is lifelong and won't be over in 30 minutes or a day. No, I've embarked on a journey that's lifelong and I can choose to see life as half empty or half full. Approaching 40 has caused me to fear and doubt and become sad that many of my dreams may not come true or I'll be passed by because there is simply not enough time after the rest of my responsibilities are done each day.

Yet if I realize and strive to embrace life and to pace myself then the change will come and I like the more confident person I'm becoming. Change is not easy. It's not easy for one's self, for family or friends. If I could sum up, very succinctly, why I've decided to change, I'd simply say that I was not happy or fulfilled in life. Things don't do it for me. I like things but they don't complete me. Yet friendship, laughter, creativity and love, well, my soul thirsts for that.

Although it might sound simplistic, I have had to cut some activities out of my life to add in the running. I watch less TV and, you know what, I don't miss it. The peace I get from running acts as a balm to my often tired and battered spirit.

Where will this change take me? Exactly where I began many years ago. All of this reminds me of one of my favorite Beatles songs (The Inner Light):

The farther one travels
The less one knows
The less one really knows

Without going out of your door
You can know all things of earth
Without looking out of your window
You could know the ways of heaven

I know that the path I'm headed on will lead me back to my idealistic "me" when I was young and I'm rather happy to know that with what I know now, I'll understand that there's so much more for me to learn, but it's when I'm at peace and at rest that I truly know that life's the journey. The journey is my goal. It's not the finish line. It's today and what I choose to do today that matters. And that's why I've changed. I want to be who I've always believed I could be. I can be me. I need not explain or reason with anyone by what I mean by that. It's exactly what I need to hear and know. It's for me.