RonVitale

Thoughts

I actually did do some writing the other day, but by the time I had worked on my story, I had already finished writing my blog for the day. I’ve not had a lot of free time. It’s 9:30 p.m. on Monday night as I write this and I’ve been up since 5:30 a.m. I’m exhausted. I had a long day at work, came home and had a lot of work to do around the house. Now it’s getting late and I need to get this done. Why?

I am in a frustrated and angry mood. Just tired, exhausted, and not at all pleased. Not the greatest of moods to work on a short story. I wrote down a bit yesterday and even jotted some ideas down. But that’s about as much as I could handle. I had no more time available to me.

I’ll leave it at that.

I did see an interesting movie the other night. My wife and I rented “The Piano Teacher” and I must admit that I haven’t been so affected by a movie in a long, long time. I keep thinking back to scenes in the film, wondering why certain events happened, but, as in life, there are no answers. None at all. You’re left wondering, doubtful, and disturbed. However, if you’re at all disturbed by dark films that portray the shadowy side of human sexuality, then I would advise that you skip this film. I remember seeing the posters when the film came out in 2001, but I never had a chance to go and see it. Instead I forgot about it until I recently heard the “top 5 foreign language film” list on the Cinecast podcast. I remembered that I had wanted to see the film and then added it to my queue.

I also started watching “The Fast Runner” that I thought might be useful as a research piece for my latest story. I’m about 30 minutes into the film and had to stop because I wasn’t feeling well last night (I’ve been fighting off a cold). The movie is close to nearly 3 hours long. I’m not sure if I’m going to be able to finish watching it. I have a bunch of work that I need to do and watching another 2 hours of the film might not be in the cards for me.

Lots of other stuff going on in my life, but I simply want to focus on my frustration. I must admit that I’m at the nadir of my creative cycle. I’m swamped with work and house work. The little time I do have available just isn’t enough for me to want to drop everything to do some writing. I know that sounds horrible, but I want to be truthful. In my writing life, I’ve had to choose other responsibilities over writing. But this time, I’m taking the time to still write in this blog. This is the life of a full-time worker who also likes to write. You’re continually bombarded by so many other issues that it’s not a clear cut sense of: “Hey, let me stop and do some writing.” When I’m so busy like this, I don’t want to stop and do writing. I just don’t feel into it and I want to rebel.

What I struggle with, is juggling and then coming back to work on a piece. Hopefully, I’ll be able to make time this Saturday. I’m not happy with all the different issues swirling around right now, but I can only see that I need to simply keep my chin up and keep working. It’s not fun, but I find that if I express my frustration than I can help deal with overcoming the issues. I’ve never been one for keeping quiet. Well, at least I started opening my mouth back when I was a teenager. I realized that keeping everything all bottled up inside wasn’t really working for me so I started to talk.

It’s funny because when I was younger I would just sit and watch, but be seething inside. I would watch and watch the world around me, and take everything in. I wouldn’t say much, but I’d use my imagination to get me past a rough point. I’d think of whom I was and what I wanted, and I would get through my rough time. I found my ways to help myself. It was all I had. A large part of my therapeutic healing process centered around music. I loved listening to music. I loved singing along to the music. It didn’t matter that I couldn’t sing (and still can’t carry a tune), but I would voice my frustration anyway.

When I was kneeling on my bathroom floor on Saturday, scrubbing it, I heard a Paul McCartney song in the background—“Take It Away” from his Tug of War album. And the memories flowed back to me. I recall working at a local pizza place, handing out menus to a neighborhood about 5 miles from my home. The owner, myself, and three other kids canvassed the entire area, putting menus for the pizza joint in every door. I had my Walkman on, listening to the music, and I would just work, thinking about the future. I wondered where I would be in the future, wondering if I would be happier there than I was back then. Little did I know that I would have certain freedoms by the dozen, but severely lacking in time. And I remember that when I was young, having all summer to do whatever I wanted. I would read, read, and do more reading. I’d stay up late, working on my dungeons & dragons characters. Now I’m lucky if I can make it up to 12:30 a.m. since I get up so early. It’s just such a different life that I lead now than when I was younger. I longed for a companion, for understanding, and to belong. Now I long for time, quiet, and peace. It’s funny how life turns out. And it’s not that I’m disgusted with my life, just a bit overwhelmed by my present circumstances. There’s a lot going on that I’d rather not talk about online. It’s not the proper forum for it. Needless to say, just understand that I’m working as efficiently as I can and as hard as I can.

Yes, I’d like to do more writing, but there are higher priorities right now. C’est la vie. That’s just how it is. Peace.

Free Speech

Last night I contact my Senators and also sent an e-mail to President Bush asking them to bring our troops home. I know that my e-mails won’t make an impact on our foreign policy, but I wanted to do something. I thought that I would also take the opportunity to simply say that as a writer I am also concerned about world issues. Yes, I write science fiction and fantasy, but I’m also passionate about various issues. Lately, I’ve been concerned about the survivors of Hurricane Katrina, poverty in Africa, literacy, and the War in Iraq. (Though I’ve also written letters to my representatives concerning cancer research funding and peer to peer technology.)

I believe that it is important for me to take part in the current issues of the day and not be isolated in an ivory tower. Living in a free speech society, I want to be sure that I take the opportunity to stake my point of view. I mentioned yesterday that Cindy Sheehan’s march on Washington, D.C. is taking place on Saturday, September 24th. No matter if you’re a Republican, Democrat, or a non-U.S. citizen, take a moment to think about the War in Iraq and ask yourself: How long is this going to last? When are American troops coming home? I want to see that happen soon or at least for a date to be set in stone. Right now, American troops might remain over there fighting for several more years. I am not in favor of that. I oppose that.

Science fiction and fantasy have always been my means to escape from reality, but I’ve noticed that my last several stories have an interesting shift in them. There is a slight political overtone in the stories. I’m not trying to beat people over the head with a moralistic message, but I do want people to question and to think about the value of human life. At the least, I want people to question. And to wonder why a policy is, and not just accept it as fact.

In other news, I came across an interesting topic this morning. Adam Curry’s September 21st DailySourceCode dealt with the following question: What would you do concerning a hate based podcast that was on a node on servers you controlled? If you believe in free speech, would you pull down the hate based podcast or would you allow it to remain online? I had a tough time answering this question. In the past, I ran across a situation in which I was the forum operator of a BBS. I believed in free speech and a user tested my patience. The user kept posting irrelevant material in the forums to see how far he could push me. I deleted the post and the next day more posts appeared—just as annoying to users. I continued to delete the posts and asked the person to stop, but he continued. I eventually locked his account and worked the issue out with him and reopened his posting ability. But the user had made his point: What is true free speech? This podcast is a hate based audio file. Would I allow this to remain on my servers? I don’t believe I could allow that. But doesn’t that make me a hypocrite? Yes, it does. It seems that I believe in selective free speech in which the story, podcast, or movie isn’t harmful to other people. I can see I’m already on a slippery slope though with that thought. Who is to say what is “harmful” and what isn’t to other people?

I’ve seen such great debates over what books are banned in various schools in Southern states. Books that are banned that make me roll my eyes in disgust. However, the parents who are sending their children to school are opposed to having some books in the libraries there.

In good faith, I have a problem with a book being banned. A podcast that people can hear is disturbing. I would like to think that people have the right to listen to whatever they want. But with the Internet being a free zone of whatever content, children could easily find the hate based podcast and download it for free. I’m not happy with that. It’s not as though the podcast would be blocked out and available only to those who paid for the service.

We live in a crazy and difficult world. As a parent, I want to make certain that my children are open to many different influences, but I can’t say that I want my children to hear racial slurs or hate talk directed at a particular group. Interesting topics to think about.

On one hand, I want to have the right to utilize my free speech and to complain about the War in Iraq. On the other, I don’t believe another person has the right to post a hate based podcast up on a server. Does that make me a hypocrite or wrong? I don’t think so. I’m not saying that groups like the KKK cannot protect, but I want to educate my children to let them know that I am opposed to such thought, that I disagree with their beliefs, and that I only hope that my children have a more open mind to embrace other cultures. It’s not an easy world we live in. I do not have all the answers, but I do like to think that I at least question the issues. To me, that’s most important. Discuss and talk with your family the issues.

Macca

After midnight update:

Man, oh man. What a concert. I just got back from dropping my mom off from the Paul McCartney concert and I had a blast. It's after 12:30 a.m. and I'm beat, but it was great fun. How many times do you get to put your arm around your mom and sing "Hey Jude" with her and another 20,000 plus people? The concert started off a bit rocky: A DJ was playing some mash-ups and remixes of McCartney songs and the Philadelphia crowd booed him off the stage. Then the concert started and McCartney's mic was mistakenly going up in the air on a riser. But after the concert settled down he rocked the audience with some excellent tunes. Hearing Blackbird, Band on the Run, and Live and Let Die (complete with indoor balls of fire and fireworks) was amazing. Paul came out for two encores and ending the concert by bringing three kids on stage (around 5 years old or younger)--two girls with thick glasses and a young boy (I believe they were all brother and sisters) who were dressed up in Sgt. Pepper outfits. He sang Sgt. Pepper with them and then went into "The End." "The love you take is equal to the love... you make..." As the song ended, the three little kids were jumping up and down, and the video in the background showed three circles of a sun rising. The crowd went nuts. Then Paul, band, and the three little kids took a bow. Wonderful!

Tonight I’m headed to see the Paul McCartney concert with my mom. For those who know me, I’m a huge Beatles fan. I love their music, having grown up with my mom singing to their hits and the solo songs of Paul McCartney. I can still remember being a young boy, sitting on the sofa and seeing my mom singing along to Band on the Run as it played on our record player. Yeah, I said that right: Record player. There were no CD players back then and mp3 players? Please! There weren’t even home computers yet!

This will be my third time seeing Paul McCartney live. Why three times? Well, how many times are you going to see an ex-Beatle in concert? The first time I saw Paul was in 1993 and the last time was 2002. Both concerts were a blast. I’m looking forward to bringing my mom, singing along to the hits with her, and just enjoying the night. I’ve been tired and exhausted from work. I haven’t had much free time to myself but I am continuing to make an effort to write in my blog. I have an idea for tomorrow’s blog, but I need some time to think about what I want to write. I’m angry about the war in Iraq and I want our troops to come home. I’m thinking about this because Cindy Sheehan is marching on Washington, D.C. this weekend. I’m not in support of the war yet I don’t know how America can easily pull its troops out. But I do think about the 1,886 who have died in that war and the 14,265 wounded (numbers as of August 3, 2005: Source Wikipedia). A coworker of mine asked me today: “What are we going to tell our children about what we did to stop this war? That we just went to work each day and didn’t protest/complain to the government?” I have said this before and I will say it again: I was in favor of this war when it first broke out and I was wrong. I made a mistake. I believe that there were weapons of mass destruction in Iraq and now I don’t know what to believe except we’ve spent billions and billions of dollars and have killed many people (civilians).

But I’ll write more about that tomorrow.

Today I want to relax and just put down that while I have some time to relax and enjoy my family, I know that Americans are fighting across the world and I don’t know why. For my safety? I do not believe that any more. The terrorism card is so complicated now that I wonder how many thousands of converts the radical groups gained from American’s having bombed Iraq to Kingdom Come. I wonder how the cycle of hatred and war will simply turn back on us, hitting us when we are weak.

I am not ashamed or afraid to write and to speak my mind: I want President Bush to create a timeline through which our government will bring home its troops from Iraq. But to complicate matters: The logistics are insane. If our troops are pulled out now, who is to stop the country from falling into civil war? I almost seem to think that my government is in a Catch-22. If our troops are pulled out, then all that people have fought for might be wrecked and ruined. If our troops stay, the American people’s hatred will continue to grow. However, I strongly believe that America made a mistake. We invaded under false pretenses and should admit to that mistake. Governments are not always right. Need more people die to prove that point?

What about the safety of the Iraqis? I believe that a compromise should be made through which our government helps train the Iraqis to police and protect their country and then withdraw. Pull out. Entirely.

I know that my opinion is not popular, I know that the war itself is not directly affecting family members of mine, but I do want to state that the war has become unjust and the United States of America’s armed forces are not the police of the world. The blood of our children should not be spilled over in Iraq to help another country protect their own lands. They can be trained to do it themselves. Will this take another year or two? I don’t know. But hearing how the Pentagon has long term plans to stay in Iraq frightens me.

But now I’ve gone off, losing my train of thought about a concert that I’m going to tomorrow night with my mom. But sometimes it’s important to just release your frustration in words. I have always believed that it is important to have empathy and compassion for others. And right now I’m thinking about the unjust war in Iraq, the Hurricane Katrina survivors, and those who will be affected by Hurricane Rita (now a Category 5 storm headed toward Texas). I hope and pray that they will all be safe.

Writing and Inspiration

I guess I would describe my mood as being grumpy lately. I haven’t been motivated to write and do feel overwhelmed with all the responsibilities hanging over me these days. When I’m in a mood like this, I want to just stop and relax a bit. Or better yet: Just do something fun and exciting without worrying about not writing or making time to write. I’m still working hard on keeping up with my blog, reading each day, and on listening to podcasts (I’m listening to I Should Be Writing and This Week in Tech and the DailySourceCode). Granted not all of this listening content is 100% related to my writing, but I am finding that I become inspired by what I read, see, or hear.

I’ve had some great ideas for stories just from reading the news and surfing tech sites. When I do write sci-fi stories, I make sure I do as much as I can to incorporate real life technology into the story to give it that lived in feel. I’ve been rather pleased with the results. In my story P2P, I poked fun at the record company’s fear that all music will be stolen and the entire business model will fall apart. And I also used IBM’s BlueBoard technology in a few stories I wrote several years ago.

What I know as a writer is that it’s extremely important to continue to read, experience life, listen, and watch. For me, that means books, movies, podcasts, and just simply looking around throughout the course of a day. My story “The Coin Collector” came about from a chance encounter with a man at a train stop. I never know when my next idea will come or in what form. I’ve written stories from dreams, based off of my own life story, events I see around me, and my favorite type of story comes about from an indirect inspiration (as the idea for “20,170 and 1” that came to me from a few lines in the book “Everything Is Illuminated”).

I try not to force myself to have ideas, but rather to let them come naturally. The most difficult challenge these days is to allow myself the time to decompress and allow the ideas to sink into my subconscious. Ideas then bubble up from there and I go to town and start writing them. Sometimes I’ll take a walk in the park and try to visualize a scene. I imagine seeing the textures of the room where the characters are in, what they’re wearing, what the surrounding environment is like, and finally what they’re doing and saying. I take all of this information and then write it down.

Most times I “see” stories in my mind and then I write them out. My favorite stories are like mini-movies in my head. I can see what the characters are doing and there’s a bunch of ideas going through my brain that is generating the story, playing it out for me like a movie. I keep playing the parts over and over again in my head until I get it right. And then I do, there’s a “click” feeling inside and I say to myself: “Yes! That’s a great idea. That’s how it will work.” I’ll play a scene over and over again in my head, trying pieces of the plot on. And internally I’ll say things to myself like: “That’s not true to life. A real person wouldn’t do that.” Or I’ll ask myself: “What is the conflict and tension in this story? Why does this story need to be told? What makes it unique?” I’ll also try to ask myself: “Why is this a sci-fi story (or fantasy)? Am I using the sci-fi part just as a crutch or does it make sense to be there?” That’s a tricky question to answer.

There are times in which I have a story burning to get out of me and other times (like now with my most recent story) I just can’t get the energy together to sit down and write. It’s not necessarily writer’s block that I’m experiencing. I think it is more like burnout I’m just damn tired of working. It’s not fun anymore. And that’s a key issue for me.

I promised my self about 6 years ago that I would only write because it was fun for me. If I wasn’t enjoying my work, then I would stop and take a break. I’ve been writing (and being rejected) since I was around 15 years old. I know that if I stop that I’ll come back to work. The difficult aspect is that recently I’ve had a string of successes and am now back into rejection land. To complicate matters, I realize that my time for being able to write is limited and that I’m also burned out and don’t feel like writing. This is a bad, bad combination. How to clear this up?

I need to let go and trust myself to have a break and not to worry about the issue. If I try to force the work to come, then I simply build up resentment toward my working and I want to rebel even more. In the past, I’ve rebelled by working on another writing project or just not written at all. I know that in order to succeed that I need to keep writing, but I know that I am human and do need a break. I need to rest. So why am I writing this? Because it’s a trick: I’m writing about not wanting to write. It’s a good psychological tool that a writer can use as a touchstone to their soul. As a writer, I can but my thoughts out there on the table and ask: “What will really happen if I take a break and stop writing?” By honestly answering that question and processing my thoughts and feelings about the issue, I’m coming closer to terms with what the real issue is. And what does it boil down to: I’m frustrated that the writing life pays so little (so far that is) and that the huge amount of work that I do put into it sometimes comes down to a form letter rejection.

With the small amount of time that I have these days, I want to take that time to work on different things or to play. And boy, do I need to play and have some fun. It’s been a rough last few weeks. Got to go. Have a good one.